To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

My kids' favourites:

What did the banana say to the doctor?
Doctor, doctor, I don't peel very well.

What did one snowman say to the other?
Can you smell carrots?

-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-Interrupting cow.
-Interrupti ...
-MOOO!

What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around, I go on a-head.

Sharing a load of these with my eldest. He loves a bad joke.

What's a frogs favourite shoes?
Open-toed (toad) sandals!😳😄

Bloke in the pub offered me eight legs of venison for £50 the other day. I said no, too dear (two deer, geddit??! No, DS thinks it's a rubbish joke too!)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
To
To who?
To whom.

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet

I don't know why

What do you call an aardvark that doesn't like fighting?

A vark.

Doctor, Doctor! I cannot get to sleep at night!
Try sleeping very close to the edge of your bed - you'll soon drop off.

A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing a condom on his nose.
A guest asks "Who are you supposed to be then?"
Man replies "Fuck knows"

One sperm keeps asking the other sperm 'Are we nearly there yet?'

Eventually the second sperm gets fed up & says 'No, for god sake, we've only just passed the tonsils!'

There are just 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

These are awfully droll. My eldest started her periods this morning, when abroad, and when I asked about it all (trying to be helpful) she said it was 'bleeding obvious'.

She laughed, I (nearly) cried

A Jew, a Homosexual and a Pakistani walk into a pub.....

• what a fantastic example example of well integrated community.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains

• I'm sorry I'm just a GP. I can't treat complex mental health problems and thanks to the NHS cuts, the low priority afforded to mental health services and ongoing stigma don't expect any help soon.

Two Nuns cycling over a cobbled street. One says to the other 'I haven't come this way before.

The other replies, no this a diversionary route as there's a burst water main on the bypass.

Bloke on a tractor has just gone past shouting 'THE END IS NIGH!!'

Think it was Farmer Geddon

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Dam

What's green and pink and whizzes round and round at 90 miles an hour?
Kermit in a blender

Man goes into a library
"Fish and chips twice please"
"But Sir, this is a library"
(Whispers) fish and chips twicev please

Funnier when spoken but you get the gist

WalkingInTheAir13

Scotsman goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a welly on his penis

The same guest asks "Who are you supposed to be then?"

Scotsman replies "I haven't a clue. I'm just fuckin' a boot"

Two cows in a field. Which one's on holiday?
The one with the wee calf.

A man goes into a butcher's and says "do you have a sheep's head?"
The butcher says "no sir, it's just the way I comb my hair."

A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock at the door:
"It's the blind man, can I come in?"
Nun reasons that he might as well come in as he won't see anything improper anyway, what with being blind and all.
"Ok, in you come"
"Nice tits love, where do you want the blinds?!"

My dads favourite was:

I used to be a werewolf but I'm alright nowoooooooooooh

Rusty Bedsprings
By I. P. Knightley

Yellow River
By I. P. Dayley

Lost in the Desert
By Mustafa Pei

What goes woof woof Boom?
A terrier-ist

What's a wombat?
For hitting woms with!