To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

I went to the doctor and told him I felt like Mickey Mouse.
He told me I'm having Disney spells.

Mummy, mummy - why is daddy running around the garden?
Shut up and pass me another bullet ...

Is this the Barking bus
No it just goes vroom, vroom ....

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendres.

So he gives her one.

daisy my brother once yelled that at the top.of his voice in a chippy in Whitby as a child. My parents were torn between utter embarrassment and amusement.

Two cows in a field - one says 'Moo' ...
The other one says, 'Shit, I was going to say that'

Thought of another.... I could keep going all night

What kind of owl lives in the kitchen?
A teet-owl

Why did the baby strawberry cry?

Because his parents were in a jam!

What has 100 legs and no teeth?
The front row of the Cliff Richard concert

Two cakes in an oven.
One says 'phew it's warm in here isn't it?!'
The other replies 'fucking hell, a talking cake!'

How do you make a Swiss Roll?
Push him down a hill.

A tangled up bit string goes into a pub and orders a drink. The barman says are you string? We don't serve string in here. The string replies No I'm a frayed knot.

How much does shampoo cost in Sarf London?
Pantene

Knock knock
Who's there
Atch
Atch who?
Bless you!

Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can also appreciate them ...

What is invisible and smells of bananas?
Monkey farts ...

How many ears did Captain Kirk have?
3
The left ear
The right ear
And the final front ear

What's red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot

Loving the Pantene chazs

Teacher asks the class it they can use the word contagious in a sentence. Little Janet puts her hand up and says "My Next door neighbour was painting his front door with a toothbrush. My dad said it'll take the contagious"

Naze ha!!!!!

Picnic on the Beach, by Sandy Bottoms

The Scottish cloakroom attendant Angus McCoatup

Two twins were put up for adoption and got separated, they moved to different countries and were named Amal and Juan, they managed to find Juan as an adult, and the mother wanted to find her other son, but the father said what's the point? Once you've seen Juan you've seen Amal

What's yellow and smells of banana?

A banana.

What's yellow and smells of banana?

Monkey sick

allowe.com/laughs/book/Funny%20Book%20Titles.htm

For those of us that like the fake books/authors.

little the twins one was great!

Me: who are you backing in the Grand National this year?
Grandad: Dusty Rug, I've heard hes never been beaten!
Me: good one, but really, who are you backing?
Grandad: I'm still not sure, but it won't be Holey Cardigan...he's a rubbish jumper.

I no longer ask for his tips on horses.

Babysitting by Justin Casey-Howells

What's red and invisible?
No tomatoes

Am actually weeping at Nazi Synthesizer

Why did the sheep go to the doctor's?
Because he was feeling baaaaaaad.

Chuckling away at these!

More cheese(y) jokes:

Husband tries to take some of wife's cheese on toast. She says 'hands off that's nacho cheese'

Which cheese is made backwards?
Edam

How did the artist paint his wife?
He double Gloucester.

Why do squirrels swim in their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

Dr Watson: "Holmes, why do we have a yellow door?"

Holmes: "It's a lemon-entry, my dear Watson"