To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

How do you make three old ladies say the F-word?

Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"

1st astronaut: Can you telephone from a spaceship?
2nd astronaut: Of course I can tell a phone from a spaceship!

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really was a dog!

Someone I know has started up a company selling prayer mats that explode. Prophets are going through the roof.

What did one tampax say to the other?
Nothing, they were both stuck-up cunts.

Angiefernackerpan

Man in a restaurant: "Waiter! Do you have chicken balls?"
Waiter: "No sir - it's just the way I walk"

I walked past a homeless busker playing 'The logical song'

'That's supertramp' I said.

Don't take the piss he cried.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple

• I don't know, what's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Third world poverty you callous bastard.

Customer: Waiter, what is this fly doing in my soup?
Waiter: Backstroke

How do you make a bandstand?

Take all the chairs away

What do you call a fish with no eyes??

Fssshhhh

Why did the man drown in a bowl of muesli?

He was pulled under by a strong currant

How do you get Pikachu on a bus?

Poke him on

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls

More cheese jokes:

Did you hear about the explosion in the cheese factory? Debris was everywhere.

What cheese do you use to attract a bear? Camembert.

A woodworm walked into a bar and asked 'is the bartender here?'

Farting in a lift is wrong on so many levels

Three very deaf old ladies meet in the street.
"Isn't it windy"? says one.
"No it's Thursday" says another
The third one says, "Me too, let's go and have a cuppa".

I love this one especially on a windy Thursday.

Today's football score:

Real Madrid 2
Surreal Madrid Fish

Why did the punk cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea!
And what about if it has no legs?
Still no idea!

What do you call someone who has overcome an obsession with tractors?
An Ex tractor fan!

Made a right show of myself reading this on the bus, I was nearly hysterical!

Knock knock

Who's there?

Ivan

Ivan who?

Ivan to suck your blood!

It's better in person when you can do a Dracula accent....

Which Pokemon was arrested for stalking?

Pikachu

I went to the pet shop to buy a pet tarantula, but when I saw the price said forget it, I can get it cheaper off the web