To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

Say it quickly...

Why couldn't the viper wipe her nose?
Because the adder had her handkerchief.

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr Dre

My kids love him for that one.

I'm going to bin my Hoover..... all it's doing is gathering dust.

A rabbit walks into a bar and asks the barman "Got any carrots?"
The barman says "No. We don't serve rabbits in this pub. Get out!"
Rabbit hops away.

An hour later the rabbit comes back. "Got any carrots?"
Barman says "No. I told you once, get out!"
Rabbit leaves.

An hour later the rabbit comes back in. "Got any carrots?"
Barman loses his temper, grabs the rabbit by the ears and says "I've had it with you and your silly fluffy tail and your silly twitchy nose! You're barred and if you ever come in here scrounging flipping carrots again I'll nail your silly ears to the floor!" before throwing the rabbit out of the door.

The next day, the rabbit goes back to the pub.
"Got any nails?"
"No! You're-"
"Got any carrots?"

I saw a man walking along the street in shorts and vest with a long stick across his shoulder.

I said: "Are you a pole vaulter?"
"No I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Bubbles in the Bath by Ivor Windy Bottom

some absolute corkers in this thread, wish I could remember them!

'Mummy mummy, can we have a dog for Christmas?'
'No, Charlie, we'll have turkey like everyone else'

I asked the doctor if the Viagra nasal spray had any side effects, he said, "Fuck nose,"

I've been really enjoying watching the women's high jump in the Olympics. The Russian is my favourite - Upanova.

Jamie I've just text that to all of my address book. That's hilarious.

(I love your NN too. My team has been promoted this season and we keep hoping we're 'gunna do a Leicester'. )

I'll let my Dad know - he claims it's his greatest creation, behind his three children.

As you can imagine, he wheels it out every time the athletics is on but it genuinely never gets old

Good luck for the season - my team got relegated to League 2 but having a half decent start!

MMHQ, please put this thread into classics!

DS1 has just begged me to add some of his...

If you're American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
European.

If you're European in the bathroom and American in the living room what are you in between?
You're Russian.

Doctor doctor, I'm not feeling very well.
What have you eaten?
I've eaten three red snooker balls, two brown snooker balls, five orange snooker balls, four blue snooker balls, and six black snooker balls.
No wonder you're feeling ill, you haven't eaten your greens.

I've just tried reading these out loud to DH and couldn't actually finish the joke for laughing so much! Thank you all, you've cheered me right up

What do you call a man wearing sandpaper underpants?

Dick Emery.

Joke I've nicked of t'internet today;

Why did The Chuckle Brothers join British Gas?

To meter you

Q: What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun?

A: Sir

Q: What do you call a gorilla with a machine gun and dark glasses?

A: Nothing you don't recognise him.

Whats big red and eats rocks?

A big red rock eater.

What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
Justice Fingers

I'm hungry!
Hi Hungry, I'm Mum.
Literally 3 times a day. They are so sick of it they've stopped telling me when they are hungry. Win!

When ever my DW says she can't hear me I feel compelled to reply "pardon".

This is entirely my fathers fault. He told this 'joke' for from the moment I learnt to speak and for 18 years I hated it. Then I met my wife and now can't stop myself.

Also:

Why do firemen wear red braces?
To keep their trousers up.

Why was the Indian Chief buried at the bottom of the hill?
Because he was dead.

There are also all the dead baby jokes... but perhaps this is not the place.

These are brilliant. I've just had a real laughing fit, tears, snot, lack of breathing...!

I told my DH the Halloumi one about a year ago, and he still chuckles about it once a week on average