To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

Slinky that's hilarious!

Chough I can't wait to tell my mam the wardrobe one! I think I'll change it to '2 blondes' though.

Rusty Bed Springs by I P Knightly

All these are funny apart from the man telling a period joke yawn

How many civil servants does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change? CHANGE????

Knock knock...
Who's there?
To.
To who?
To whom, not to to who!

(said to my grammar nazi DS who did not appreciate it at all)

*"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Chicken butt" remains one of the stupidest things always guaranteed to make me laugh.*

I say that all the time to my kids, they roll their eyes at me. I also answer "ice?" to "you know what would be cool?"

I'm so glad there are so many other people who also appreciate shit jokes.

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

Dad, how much pudding do you want?
Oh, just a trifle.

Literally for 50 years.

Mary had a little lamb
She also had a duck
She put them on the mantelpiece
And told them not to...fall off.

My mum's favourite and she was a mega prude!

What do you call a woman with a plate of beans and chips on her head?

Caff

Why is there no asprin in the jungle

Because the parrots eat em all

click my dad had a similar one. If anyone says 'you know what I can't understand?' He replies 'Chinese writing.'

What did the slug say to the snail?

Big Issue sir?

Muuuum, why am I walking around in circles?
Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.

What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind when it hits the windscreen?
It's arse.

Why did the lepers call off their hockey match?

They had a face off in the corner.

Why did the leper fail his driving test?

He left his foot on the brake.

Knock knock...
Who's there?
Sam and Janet
Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet evening.........

What's white and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you

A fridge

Just LOL'd at the Freud one

What's white and tartan and fell out of a tree it would kill you

Rupert the fridge

Really sorry about those two but they use to crack me up as a teenager

I had a chicken Tarka for my dinner ... It's like a chicken tikka but a little 'otter !
Boom boom Tish!

How many MCPs does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one. He holds the bulb and wants for the world to revolve around him.

My dad, every time he poured gravy or custard 'one lump or two?' Wasn't funny then, isn't funny now, but how I wish I could hear him say it again.