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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

338 replies

Madinche1sea · 20/07/2016 13:30

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

OP posts:
Marmelised · 20/07/2016 13:33

How much of an idea do you have about the demands of his job?
Cleaner 2xweekly, SAHP, all kids inschool, caring partner.
I'm struggling to see your problem I'm afraid.

Shoxfordian · 20/07/2016 13:37

Yeah you do sound a bit unreasonable, he seems to be doing a lot for you all and making an effort with date nights, saying to get an extra few hours cleaning (which you may as well do, why not...)

He probably sees this as the division of labour in your household; he makes the money and you sort the house/children out. If this doesn't work for you then maybe look at finding a job

JustABigBearAlan · 20/07/2016 13:37

I'm afraid I have to say that whist I agree he probably has no idea o fthe logistics of your day, I'm not sure what else you expect him to do? You do all the house and children related things and he does all the paid work. Obviously you could split this differently, but not whilst you're a sahm. It sounds pretty good to me as you have it at the moment.

Arfarfanarf · 20/07/2016 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 20/07/2016 13:40

I don't know if he is being unreasonable, it sounds like both he and you are living incredibly busy lives if neither of you finish up until 11pm! It would kill me!

If he is generally a good guy and he sounds like it then I might start joining in with DD with some jokey comments at breakfast time. TBH that's the only thing that would rile me but I hate breakfast time until I've had my own toast and coffee.

DisneyMillie · 20/07/2016 13:42

Possibly a little unreasonable - if you're at home all day with no children to look after and no cleaning needed then making dinner or doing some other stuff in the morning / evening as your contribution to the family isn't too much to ask. I struggle to see the issue

Mellowautumn · 20/07/2016 13:42

Cannot even see why he needs to be educated about your work - unless you 'thank' him everyday for working why on earth would you expect him to remark on clean clothes in the wardrobe? He shows his appreciation with date nights and a cleaner. To be honest he does his job you do yours - what's the problem?

ImperialBlether · 20/07/2016 13:43

I would make an omelette for someone who treated me well, enabled me to stay at home and order in cleaners whenever I wanted!

Yes, he should make his own omelette but if you've chosen roles where he brings in the money and you cook, then I can see why he doesn't. Your busy time is the morning, before school. In any job there's a busy time that everyone hates. That's yours. At 9 o'clock you could go off for a lovely swim or sit and watch television, where he and the children are going off for a full day's work.

By the way, how do you make the omelette? Grin

ChicRock · 20/07/2016 13:43

He sounds like a total bastard, perhaps you could swap so you're working all day and then again in the evening and he can see just how hard your life is as a SAHP with the kids in school and a cleaner. Grin

Tell your daughter not to be such a cheeky little madam.

bonzo77 · 20/07/2016 13:43

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. The household tasks include making money (he does all of that, assuming you've not neglected to mention something), and he's happy to pay to reduce your work load. And he cares about your relationship.

Like you, I do a lot of tidying / cleaning / laundry once the kids are in bed. If we had the money I would hire a "tea time girl" (horrible phrase). Lots of my friends have them a few afternoons a week to do these particular "light house hold duties" allowing the mums to interact with the kids, supervise homework etc.

itsmine · 20/07/2016 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2016 13:45

You both sound great. The only one that is a little Hmm to me is the ordering special food thing. Smacks a little of creating work for the other person, which I dislike intensely.

I hope you use the time in the day for you, not just housework.

WordGetsAround · 20/07/2016 13:48

It sounds like you've got a great partnership and both do well out of it!

Do you think you might be getting a bit fed up towards the end of the school year and in this heat?

EllyMayClampett · 20/07/2016 13:49

Sounds like you are in a very traditional marriage with old fashioned gender roles. Fine if everyone is happy. Sounds like you are beginning to wonder if it is what you want. Perhaps he isn't fully happy being the sole bread winner either? Could you look at going back to work? It's okay to change/grow.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 20/07/2016 13:49

Get a job outside the house and don't make his omelettes. That's the corollary

In a SAHM. Have 3 DCs age 3 and under. DH works crazy hours. He worked for 7 days a week 3 months straight for two weeks after our 8 month old was born. Does bedtimes etc if he's home in time. We have a cleaner too. I make food that he likes and do "his" washing etc. If I don't want to do that, I'd get a job outside the house. But then we'd need a full time nanny and out of hours childcare and neither of us want to

What do you want? would you prefer legitimately to work outside the house?

george1020 · 20/07/2016 13:49

I have to be honest, your day sounds pretty good to me!

If you are feeling it's too much for you though why don't you get the cleaner in more? DH seems to think that's a good idea so I would be jumping at the chance!

MyKingdomForBrie · 20/07/2016 13:51

YABU. Sounds like he works bloody hard, what's wrong with being nice to the person you love. Your daughter was bloody rude and I hope she was challenged on it.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/07/2016 13:52

I think you are being unreasonable.
I don't see your problem, sounds ok to me. Sometimes on here we do read about some pretty rubbish dp but yours doesn't sound like his one.

pinkbraces · 20/07/2016 13:54

The only issue that I can see is the lesson your DC are learning. Daddy goes to work, mummy does everything else. For this reason alone I would want my DC to see him doing some house and kid related stuff,

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 13:54

Yabu

Sounds like a good partnership to me. We read about some right arses on here sometimes but your partner is not one of them.

DoinItFine · 20/07/2016 13:55

I think if you want to follow a faddy diet, you prepare your own food.

Being a SAHM doescnot involve catering to the training plans of an obsessive sports hobbyist.

I think it's sad that your daughter can see that your husband isn't really a full member of your family.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2016 13:57

Read this though. How much housework your DH is seen to do may affect his child's choices.

purplefox · 20/07/2016 13:59

YABU and your daughter was rather rude.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 20/07/2016 13:59

Thanks all for your (very quick)! responses!

I would just say that it's only been this last year that I've had any time to myself at all - before this I had 12 years with at least 1 pre- schooler with me at all times. DH is very career-focused and so things were always like this. My family are in Spain and I've never really liked using childcare.

I did speak with DH about returning to work now that DD2 is in school. I have a professional qualification and was thinking about trying to go back into this area part-time. DH is quite adamsnt he doesn't want this as our lives a complicated enough. He says the children will suffer if I return to work. So this is how that panned out.

IANBU most of the time - maybe just today!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2016 14:01

DH is quite adamsnt he doesn't want this as our lives a complicated enough. He says the children will suffer if I return to work. That just pushed him into unreasonable, didn't it?