Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

338 replies

Madinche1sea · 20/07/2016 13:30

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 20/07/2016 14:01

Yabu

Your a stay at home mum with your youngest going to school September so that allows for a fair but of 'you' time.
You have a cleaner and your DH is more than happy to pay the cleaner for more hours if you wish.
He puts his kids to bed
He insists on a date night every few weeks and arrangers a baby sitter which I think is lovely and shows he cares about 'you and him time'

Don't look for problems where there aren't any.

Maybe by returning to work once your youngest is at school you could change the roles up a bit but I'm afraid you can't have it all to be a SAHM and expect your DH to work to provide for the family and do as much as you do around the house etc

DoinItFine · 20/07/2016 14:02

He says the children will suffer if I return to work.

Shock

Fuck him.

Seriously.

The only one who will suffer is him because he will lose his skivvy.

Go back to work and stop cooking his poxy omelettes.

You are in a gilded cage.

I'm not surprised you can't be arsed making dates with you boss.

SovietKitsch · 20/07/2016 14:06

Gosh, is it just me who thinks he's unreasonable? Maybe it's just that I know I would hate to be treated like staff by my husband

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 14:06

I thought your daughter was rude as well, OP. Your husband sounds nice, if a bit finicky. He's supportive of you getting more help in to give you more time.

I get the feeling that your 'power' is in running the home with military precision and this defines your 'worth' in your head. I think that's quite sad if it is the case. Being a SAHM is great if you have some sort of balance and self-worth firmly established but it doesn't sound as if you do.

Stop offering the 'fussy' meals if you don't want to do them. But if you do want to do them then it isn't fair to complain about them, if you see what I mean. That's martyrish and it stinks.

Whilst your children are at school, what about bolstering up your qualifications so that you can start looking for a career? Or find some interests of your own that you can do in your spare time in the day or evening. Your husband resents NONE of this, you have a good one there.

You're in a privileged position of being 'comfortable'. What did you do before you met your husband?

The last point I'll make is that it was drummed into me by my mum (who didn't follow her own advice), which is to be a whole person yourself so that you're not dependent on others for your identity. It makes you more interesting as a person and I do believe that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 14:08

cross-posted with you OP.

So tell your husband that you agree; the kids will suffer. Therefore, what is HE going to do about filling in the childcare gaps?

I think he's being ridiculous on that point and you need to nip it in the bud. It's important for any woman to have a Plan B...

cestlavielife · 20/07/2016 14:08

He says the children will suffer if I return to work.

err how?

I think he means he will suffer. as you will be more independent and not enslaved to him.

EttaJ · 20/07/2016 14:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SovietKitsch · 20/07/2016 14:10

Cross-post YADNBU

FiveFullFathoms · 20/07/2016 14:10

I was edging towards YABU until this little gem:

DH quite adamsnt he doesn't want this as our lives a complicated enough. He says the children will suffer if I return to work. Seriously? I'm very Hmm about that statement. He doesn't get to decide what you do. If you want to be a SAHM then fair enough. But if you would like to start exploring working outside the home then he doesn't get to decide that you can't! You've given your family 12 years of your total focus. Nobody who really wanted the best for you would begrudge you looking for part time work.

The children will be fine if you get a job. But will he? He's got a pretty good set up at the moment.

Eatthecake · 20/07/2016 14:13

Oh it's going to be a drip feed.

AIBU? List nice sounding DH. Mumsnet Yes you being unreasonable

Oh well he said the children will suffer if I go to work. Mmm

It's one of those threads

Ivorbig1 · 20/07/2016 14:14

I suspect he does not want you to work because then child care and domesticity would need to be more evenly shared.
All dc at school
Cleaner 2x a week
I think you are doing alright, I say that as a sahm to 5 dc and dh who works long hours too.
The breakfast I'd tell home he can eat whatever he likes, however he likes, and he cleans up. He's not a child and you are not his maid.

fallingsnow · 20/07/2016 14:15

I just think he ought to help you sometimes, a bit of cooking, a bit of cleaning, whatever. I do think if he wants specialist food he should learn to cook!!!!!!!!!!! Just say you're not doing it!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know you are a SAHM, and he works long hours, but I still think he could "muck" in a bit more. Otherwise you just never really get a break.

Also, while we're at it Grin, I think he should make some time so might be able to pursue a couple of interests.

RedHelenB · 20/07/2016 14:16

I would inform your daughter that he is not a guest as he pays the mortgage and earns the money for the food on the table. Unbelievably cheeky!!

DoinItFine · 20/07/2016 14:16

It's not much of a dripfeed.

If you can't see that a man who "orders" breakfast from his wife is likely to be a bully, you aren't paying attention.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/07/2016 14:18

Are you actually happy with the division of Labour? And do you get an equal amount of time for youself and equal leeway to pursue your own interests?

I don't think there is anything wrong with being a super competent sahp any more than there is at being super competent in any job, but when your job is the sahp role there are two big differences - all your recognition etc. for a job well done pretty much has to come from your family and you aren't building up a skill set that will earn you money in the future, so your financial well being is somewhat precarious.

So are you getting enough in return for what you are giving, taking into account the lack of external validation and the financial insecurity? If not, how can you tackle it? If you started insisting on DH doing more around the house, how is that going to change things? It would give you more time perhaps, but will it fix what is niggling you? Will he actually appreciate what you do more? Or will it just make things more frantic as he tries to cook his special diet and the kids' breakfasts while you do the pack lunches? When would he fit his extra hours of work in if he's sorting out the kids uniforms in the evenings? What if you looked for a job instead and insisted DH find a job that wasn't so taxing on you (no travel etc.) in order to accommodate that?

DoinItFine · 20/07/2016 14:19

I love all the people advising you to teach your daughter that it is not OK to challenge the big important man who does nothing but pays for everything.

Great life lesson for her Hmm

The only not-depressing thing about the thread is that at least one of your children seems to be growing up well.

TheAntiBoop · 20/07/2016 14:21

I work part time and have always been very clear to dh that he must do everything I do. So yes, I do the lions share of 'home' work but the kids see him cook, clean, laundry, deal with them! I didn't want them to grow up thinking it was women's work.

I think it would do you the world of good to get back into work as it sounds like something you are keen to do. You will end up resenting him if you don't give it a try.

BoomBoomsCousin · 20/07/2016 14:22

Sorry, started writing that before your update.

I think you need a really hard look at what you want out of the rest of your life. He can't use the "children will suffer if you work" card on you when he is too career focused to put a fair amount of time into them.

AmberNectarine · 20/07/2016 14:23

My DH works similar hours to yours. He gets his own breakfast and the children's before he heads off. He also feeds the cat, sorts the bins if need be etc.

I do also work (though less hours than him), but do all the cleaning, ironing, cooking etc (mostly because I'm a control freak and have middle-class guilt about getting a cleaner).

Things don't sound so bad for you but he should:

A. Get his own breakfast
B. Support you if going back to work is something you want.

Our lives would be way simpler if I didn't work, but DH wouldn't dream of suggesting I stop. In fact he said to me after we had them that I'd go mad if I stayed home (he was quite right).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 14:24

Doinit, what's the difference between that and saying "What do you want for breakfast?'

It's a bit ridiculous to call 'bully' for that.

MissMargie · 20/07/2016 14:25

He should do more with the kids, he can't know them much at all. He can box and run when they are older.
You need to make a life you are happy with,
Using cleaners/ job/ study / voluntary work whatever- if money is not a problem decide what you want and arrange it.

RedHelenB · 20/07/2016 14:25

Well when daughter starts earning money and contributing to household then she can have a say otherwise it is just rude. 6 hours a day free while kids are at school can't see what there is to complain about really. And as others have said, OP can get a job if she wants to

nutellacrumpet · 20/07/2016 14:26

It sounds like you both have a nice life... what is the problem?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/07/2016 14:26

Rude children are not a joy for anybody. It's very telling that you're pointedly commenting on that Doingit and making such an assertion on the upbringing of the children when you don't know more than what's on this thread.

Original poster
Madinche1sea · 20/07/2016 14:27

Oh my god! Well I was a Child Psychologist before kids. But it's been a while now obviously.

Btw - I am not complaining and never have. Just wondering really. It's only been since last Sept that I've had thinking space at all to be honest.

Too many views to respond to - still absorbing!

OP posts: