to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

Hurrah for taking the first steps by ringing the BPS and working out what you need to do to get back into work!

I also want to take issue with your comment about "letting your DH down" - turn this around, what about him letting you down by inhibiting your need to do something more than wife-and-mother? It works both ways in a partnership - give and take on both sides, not just one.

I know you've taken it all in, and are working towards change, and that it all takes time, especially to change the ingrained habits of both lives and your relationship - but it can be done. You do need to keep remembering that you are, just as much as him, worth consideration. BOTH of you need to realise that.

Another step you could take while you're waiting is start looking at how/where you want to work - do you want to set up in private rooms, do you want to be in a clinic, do you want to work for someone else? Start investigating these things to, alongside your CPD/professional refresher work.

And one last thing - going right back to the beginning and what you said about your DD1 being switched on - yes, she sure is because she has already picked up that things aren't quite right in your relationship. So now you show her that you too can see this, and that you are taking steps to remedy it - show her that no one has to put up with the inequality that has arisen, that it can be changed and a fair partnership will allow it to change.

Good luck - you're making inroads already, look forward to the next step!

Your life sounds lovely to me.

The job thing is like the handbag thing.

The bigger the handbag the more stuff you'll find to fill it with. When you give your job permission to take over your life it will take over your life.
The issue is more that he doesn't seem to be able to find the means within himself to actually take housework stuff on. God knows why this is
When you want to prioritise family and you are disciplined and organised, the job shrinks a bit and your role as partner in family life grows. The two can shrink and grow as much as you want them to. It's all in your own hands if you run your own business(es).

It's not even just the job in your DH's case. It's the stuff he does at weekends when he could be at home sorting laundry with the girls. He is not on an oil rig or in the army. He runs his own business and he has chosen to let it consume his days, and on days when he is not working he is indulging himself outside the home. He has not compromised at all.

DH is quite adamsnt he doesn't want this as our lives a complicated enough. He says the children will suffer if I return to work. So this is how that panned out.
This is not compromise. This is dictating to you how he wants you to live. Your lives would be much less complicated if he didn't choose to train for races in the Sahara or run a kickboxing club or play rugby every weekend or get up to run early every morning or work until almost 8 pm every evening. All of this is his own choice.

For your children, their relationship with their father is defined by his absence and they know that this absence is chosen.
This is not healthy.

I am sure they also know how extremely full on...and quite fixed in his thinking about some things that he is.
I'm not sure everyone could live with him - but he knows this.
The children are asked to accept him warts and all. To a certain extent this is the lot of children everywhere. But you have a DD who is already questioning the rigidity and the assumptions that he holds. You speak of him being adamant. There is a lot of hurt behind that question - 'Daddy, do you think you're a guest in this house?' She is telling him she thinks you all have the role of catering for and to him. Thumbwitches is right that your DD has her finger on the pulse of your family.

I would not be blase about her. If things don't change, the person she will turn on in her teens is you.

Thankyou Thumbwitches - yes I am feeling quite resolved about this, but it's a strange feeling. DH has no idea, obviously.

math - I like your handbag analogy. I can definitely relate to that! The work/ life balance thing is a tricky one. I never really thought of asking him to give up the boxing or whatever as to him, that was the compromise. He has a group of friends who do a lot of mountaineering and he has, at least, stopped doing this since one of them had an accident and it really upset me.

But I do take your point that the life choices he has made have, in many ways, defined mine.

My eldest son has also challenged his dad a few times recently - eg "why do you need mum to make your coffee?" - this kind of thing. He is turning 13 and I can see him going head-on with his dad in the next few years if I'm not careful.

DH is away atm - I am working on things though thanks to MN!

Well Madinche - whatever other dynamics are going on in your household, at least 2 of your DC are completely on the ball that it's not a very 21st Century set up! So clearly they're being brought up well

I hope so TW

What does he actually say to these comments from both your son and your daughter, then?

SecondRow- not much really. Just something like "Don't be rude" and that's it. He doesn't seem to take the comments on board particularly.

Madin - your DH sounds like the kind of man who is used to getting what he wants. He's somehow managed to make you into what he wants as well. I hope you can start to figure out whether the role he has assigned to you will be enough for you going forwards.

He is turning 13 and I can see him going head-on with his dad in the next few years if I'm not careful

Language is important - that last bit should read 'if we are not careful', and actually, if your DS goes head on with his dad, maybe that is because of his dad's attitude and behaviour, so maybe even, if DH is not careful. This is not something you can solely take responsibility for; don't own it.

Though I am wondering what your DH would say if you said, 'hmm, that is a REALLY good question, DS, now you come to mention it. Actually, DH, please be a darling and make the coffee, and I will pop off for a run/swim/bath/facial/whatever for a bit'.

We are all products of our own upbringing. I've spent the evening tonight with my mum. My relationship is so like hers. My dad worked all the time and didn't contribute much to looking after us. Ok, it was the 70s and 80s, but still, when that is what life looks like to you, it is so hard to imagine something different!

I was also thinking what someone above said - your children are thinking and questioning about your family life, that is all a good thing.

YANBU - I am sort of in the reverse situation and would never dream of treating my husband or DS like that.

My job involves a lot of long hours and 40% of it is overseas travel. It often feels like I spend more time away from home than I spend actually at home. I love my job, it is challenging and rewarding, and I get to visit some amazing places. But I love my DH and DS too, and realise how hard it is for them to be on their own so much. I also miss them so much when I'm away that all I want to do when I get home is spend time with them, especially with DS as I feel I miss out so much on his development.

I make sure whenever I'm home that I help my DH as much as possible to give him a break and some time off, and do as much as I can with my DS so we can maximize the time I'm at home together.

My DS is 5, and my DH works, but in a much less demanding and more flexible local job, which means he can do the school runs on his way to and from work and take time off if our DS is sick. I never take his domestic role for granted and can't believe the OP's husband has such little involvement in the functioning of the household. From my perspective as the frequently-absent parent, it seems strange that the OP's DH doesn't prioritise his family time more.

Cocoa - good spot! I'm starting to feel quite annoyed with myself for enabling his behaviour though.

Tootsie - well yes, my own mother did everything, but that was the culture where I come from. DH was put in a boarding school when he was about 9, I think, and hardly saw his father much after that (which is also probably fairly telling). It does make you wonder about the degree to which people relive unconscious patterns

ByStarlight - I think I would be exactly like you, regardless of how many hours I worked. Clearly it's about attitude, isn't it. I know so many men like DH - round here, I would actually say they're in the majority. I can't think of any women who would behave like this though.