to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

12 years looking after babies and indulging a mostly absent husband and then being told I'm not allowed to have a job outside being a skivvy for the rest of my life sounds like a pretty shit life to me.

I think I've stepped back in time. Nice wifey is so lucky big strong husband earns the money so she is lucky to be able to stay at home! What a load of rubbish.
OP you are definitely not unreasonable, and until your husband stops treating you like the help you will continue to feel this way.
Your daughter seems pretty smart for one so young. Why not be the role model she deserves?

Thanks for all your comments. Sorry if it sounds like drip-feeding - it's hard to sum up your life in a few paragraphs though.

DH is not abusive - really he's not. He is extremely full on though and quite fixed in his thinking about some things. I'm not sure everyone could live with him - but he knows this.

I have never said I don't appreciate all that he has done for us. I have spent the last 14 years supporting him in everything. I don't regret anything, as such, and I know he has given us a great lifestyle.

It is different when all DC are I school though. I feel that I'm not really in a position to consider going back to work. His schedule needs to be very flexible -like now he is away until Fri but only got a few hours notice about this. It's not always that straightforward. He thinks I'm crazy for even considering it as we don't need the money so what would be the point. He also says the kids would suffer at school -even more now that 2 of them are in quite demanding schools.

This is my life too (although my DH does most of the cooking if he is here, i.e. at weekends). He absolutely is living in a parallel universe to you so on that point, no, YANBU.

But I understand the underlying feeling here, although I find it really hard to articulate, have spent 10 years trying to articulate it and still struggling! Yes, we both live very lucky, comfortable lives. But I am still gutted that I have no career left. I am jealous of my DH's success and the interesting work he has. And although I've never tested it, I have a suspicion that he wouldn't ever cut down on his work to enable me to work a proper job and that he has an inbuilt, probably unconscious bias towards me doing more of the housework. As someone who would happily call themselves a feminist, I am horrified sometimes that I have ended up like the cliche of a 1950s housewife!

Do you want to change things? I'm sure it wouldn't do him any harm to understand a bit more about the dynamics of family life, so a weekend or two away for you might be a good thing?

i think if your 7 year old daughter can point that out there is definately something askew here....he does lots of activities. does he do any with you or the children....discuss with him re your daughters comments, see what he makes of it

If he works very long hours and works away a lot, when is he supposed to do any household chores? There aren't enough hours in the day.

You are a sahm, and with the kids in school, you have 6 hours per day to yourself, you have a cleaner in twice a week (and DH says book her even more), you have a DH that provides financially, organises date nights and is good with the kids.

Am I missing the point? He sounds alright to me!

I work from home and I have much more free time that DH (even though I earn more). I do all the chores, but as the kids are grown up, I have to say, it doesn't feel like a lot of work. This way, when DH gets home, we can have the whole evening relaxing in the hot tub as all the work is done.

4 kids must be exhausting though!

Thankyou for all the less vitriolic posts! Tootsie -you articulated it very well. I really don't want to sound like I'm moaning though. Maybe it's the heat!

Could he run the household if you weren't there to do it? Is he capable of cooking a meal, doing all the domestic and childcare arrangements? It's not brilliant that he's a Disney Dad for fun stuff while you seem to be doing all the jobs of parenting. What's his relationship like with the kids? Do they see him as a parent? I wonder what your daughter is thinking about both of your roles that led her to speculate openly on them.

My only thoughts on your original post is that your DH spends absolutely no time with his children, does he even know them?

Why not get a job that's say, 9.30am-2.30pm, a few days a week. That way, you will have an outside interest and a bit of pocket money. Personally, never having been a sahm, I think I would rather capitalise on the new freedom you have, now that youngest dc is at school. I'm thinking, swimming, reading, hobbies etc. But who knows, maybe I'd be bored.

It's a gilded cage sometimes though. Yes you have a lovely life from the outside but there is nothing for you. You are primarily wife and mother. Which is fine if you are happy with that role but if you are not it feels like a trap.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do something for you - be it working or joining a gym or finding a hobby.

It sounds like a pretty good set up if I'm honest IF you are happy with staying at home. If all the kids are in school, surely you just need wraparound care and you can work yourself? Sorry I haven't RTFT so I don't know if this is too difficult with 4dc.

This sounds suspiciously like a marriage that, with all the material trappings, looks great on the outside but is actually rather sh!t. You're a glorified skivvy and he is a career-obsessed workaholic who has little or no time for his family. Is that really what you signed up for?

Well he does have a good time really, doesn't he? Does he enjoy his job? I'm assuming so. And he gets to do his extra curriculars whenever he wants to, because he knows that you're there to deal with the children.

TBH, if I had your schedule in the morning, I'd be telling him to make his own fecking special protein omelette! If he hasn't the time or inclination to help with getting the children sorted for school, that's one thing - but to then ADD to your jobs by expecting you to cook him a special breakfast, that's another entirely. CAN he cook? I mean, even if he can't yet, it's not that fecking hard, just point him at the oven and a cookbook and let him work it out.

I have a similar-but-oh-so-much-less-hard-work-than-yours situation here - SAHM, DH works nothing like as long hours as yours and is mostly here but often goes away for a couple of nights, maybe every other week. I do all the children's stuff - school runs, extra curriculars (except DS1's football, DH does do that one). If anything happened to me, DH would be stuffed - he hasn't a clue what happens when or what is needing to be done on a daily basis.

However he DOES cook and wash up - partly because he doesn't work such long hours, and partly because I think it's important for our boys to see that it's just as much his job as mine. So we take it in turns. He also irons his own shirts - I wash them, along with all the rest of the laundry, and hang them up then he gets to decide whether or not they need ironing before he wears them. He doesn't clean though.

Where I think your relationship balance falls down is that you've only just started to have some time for yourself, where it seems that your DH has had plenty of time doing his own thing over the past 12+ years - and it's been said on here (and no doubt elsewhere) that a good balance means that BOTH parents get equal free time. So, it requires divvying up the work/housework/ cooking/etc. however it is necessary to achieve that.
Has that happened?

It would piss me off if my husband ordered food from me as if he was in a restaurant - but I have never been a stay at home mum (if only!) and we have always been 50:50 with childcare, cooking and chores.

Everyone is different though and if his demands are irritating you, then talk to him about it. Maybe he could make his own food when it is so specific.

Well as long as you agree that your role in life is to facilitate his need to be flexible, you will never have a life in which you play anything but a supporting role.

Either accept that and embrace the martyrdom or change it and make the big important man work out how to be flexible without a skivvy he coerces into being at his beck and call.

Doinit, your posts are really unpleasant; the projecting is extremely obvious too.

I'm with doinit on this, I'm surprised that so many people think the op is out of order.

The children will suffer with a mum who is bored witless. Him suggesting you take on the cleaner for more hours is him missing the point about what you need. He clearly doesn't work hours that are too long to spend time at evenings and weekends just on himself - he could be taking the kids to activities, getting them involved in sport and fitness, in that time.

Next time he orders an egg white omelette, while you're already busy, tell him he needs to, say, go and clean little Johnny's teeth, while you do it, or else the kids will be late for school. I'm cheeky cow and would probably suggest I stick a broom up my arse and sweep the floor while I'm at it.

I'm telling a woman that it is not her responsibility to give up on everything in her life just to make her husband's life easier.

You think she should be grateful to be allowed to make the omelettes he orders.

I think your position is far more unpleasant than mine.

Good god OP I can't believe the responses you've had on here. Most people seem to be saying that if your DH throws enough money at you/a cleaner then he can be let off any sort of domestic responsibility.

I agree 100% with ThumbWitch who seems to be almost the sole voice of reason.

IMO just because he supports you financially and pays for a cleaner does not mean he gets to duck out of all the shitty bits of family life, be "fun dad" for a few hours here and there when it suits, do all his extreme sports crap AND expect you to cater to special training diets.

As Thumb pointed out, you may get equal free time now (assuming your school hours add up to about the same as his training/sports events hours) but I'll bet that wasn't the case when all the DC were younger.

I think your DH is taking the piss and your 7 yo has it spot on.

My sympathy isn't much considering I work full time & do all the cooking, cleaning and child stuff considering I'm a single parent with no help whatsoever, completely struggling with money...

However, if you don't feel like doing those things for him... Just don't? He's an adult. If he wants breakfast, he knows where the kitchen is.

Should change your username to Maidinchelsea as that's what he is kind of treating you like.

Thankyou everyone - never quite expected this level of response. I will read through all your comments and thanks for taking the time to post. Just driving atm!

OP isn't asking for sympathy though CattDamon. She isn't saying her life is rubbish or terribly hard. She's saying her DH doesn't do his fair share. Different complaint altogether.

I agree with the pp who said we've stepped back in time.

I wouldn't be happy with a set up like this, and to be honest I'd much prefer a man who prioritised family time and did a bit of cooking and cleaning than one that took me on 'date nights'.

You might be a bit happier if things were a bit more balanced. If you went back to work part time and he can do the cooking on the weekends.