to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

If you want to work, work.

Is your DH fit? Sorry to lower the tone but with all that working out he must be

Yanbu op. If he never cooks, never washes or irons, never organises anything for the family and spends many hours outside of the house on his hobbies then I can quite understand how that must be tiresome and, ultimately, rather a turn off.

YABU.

Abuser?! Really??

Calling out your knob of a Dad for bossing your mother around and treating her as staff is only "rude" if cap doffing deference is your definition of polite.

Well I'm not in a relationship. And she can get a job he's not holding her prisoner. Getting hubby his breakfast in return 6 hours to do as she pleases and a comfortable lifestyle doesn't sound abusive at all.

Blimey DoinltFine telling another poster you know nothing about they are probably in an abusive relationship or even the abuser Did you get out of the wrong side of bed or something?

Blimey doinit I originally thought you were right and the daughter wasn't even cheeky let along rude. But I think you've possibly read too much into this, to say the least!

Couldn't imagine this dynamic (and I'm a sahm) and don't think the daughter was rude. What dad can't take a bit of gentle teasing from his child?

Well, he sounded great from your first post. A caring and thoughtful DH who acknowledges his choices impact on your lifestyle.

However, now that you tell he won't 'let' you work, that changes things. How dare he? And why are you letting him make that decision on your behalf? Do you think he is trying to ensure you don't get overloaded and you aren't as available to him when he needs you?

Surely there's a middle ground that would work for your family's commitments... What about part-time work? Or consultancy in the profession you are qualified in? Or maybe studying to work towards a career change that fits with family life?

Snap eatthecake

So what I suggest you do is book a long weekend away with your girlfriends. Tell him he will have to do everything for the family for a full Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. This is your "thank you" for everything you do for him in enabling him to have the great hot-shot career without ever having to give a thought to his home life. Also, you are owed x amount of time "off" because he has had approx y amount off to pursue his hobbies over the years since he's been a dad.

How would you like things to be?

OP is an adult and if she wants to get a job she can, she just tells him that is what she wants and goes ahead with it she is not locked in cellar FGS!

Doinit, you're unhinged on this thread and out of line.

If he's frequently abroad and earning a good salary to keep this ship afloat then he may have a very good point about returning to work being logistically difficult.

Could you do any freelance or supply work if you are keen to get back into your professional role? Otherwise it sounds hard and after 12 years you deserve some free time.

I think your life sounds pretty good and if you were standing in the kitchen taking orders for breakfast he did nothing wrong. Maybe reduce the option of choice and say eggs on Monday, porridge on Tuesday etc.

Christ on a bike doinit other posters are allowed to disagree with you, NO need to call them an abuser!

I agree the OP could get a job if she so wished, you tell him that is how it's going to be and you go ahead with it you don't back down. Not saying it would be easy but she's not chained up in the house.

Yabu, until the hot where heh is adamant you aren't returning to work.

That's not a decision he gets final say on. Why did you just accept that?

Or is the truth you would be quite happy at home?

Both me and dh always worked and therefore dh does at least his fair share. If one of us was at home I would be happy for it to be like you have.

Quite honestly I would love to make breakfast for everyone then pack them out of the House for the next 5/6 hours. You have plenty of time available to have as 'me time' wether you take it or not is up to you.

I'm more or less with Doinit on this one - I think the OP was right to see that her daughter was raising a flag (although maybe just a pink one at this stage).

If he said sorry but would you mind, have you got time to do a breakfast for me, then maybe not so bad? But overall, he has the OP in a nice little "slot" in his life - if it works for them both then great, but he seems very much tuned out of their life.

Just because he is (currently) the main breadwinner doesn't mean little wifey needs to be "grateful" to be the SAHP, surely its more a case of simple logistics, for the time being.

I get this. I had an awesome job lined up (I've always freelanced, but wanted to get back into a 'real' job) but when I sat down with DP to discuss how we'd split drop offs and pickups he refused. He said that he couldn't and wouldn't do it. I wanted to earn the same wage as him, but he actually prevented it (luckily I stepped up my freelance anyway so could still hold my own)

It's all very well saying that his earning provides her with (now, lets not forget the 12 years of continuous childcare), but if he's actually preventing her from going out and getting a job by not even slightly being prepared to take over some of the responsibilities (even his own) then, YANBU OP, it's a bit off.

Relationships are rarely as black and white as people seem to thing on MN.

It isn't a choice between "you should be down on your knees thanking god for your cushy life" and "he is an abuser ltb". The OP can want to change things without having to call her husband an abuser.

OP I think your main issue is that your husband's life and your life are so radically different. You have complete responsibility for childcare/housework (even if you get plenty of help with it) and he has complete responsibility for work. I think your daughter's comment put a spotlight on this. She basically called out just how different your roles in the house/family are.

If it works for you - fine. I would be a bit concerned that my children's perception of their father is that he is incapable of any housework/cooking. I'm not sure this sends a good message. Lots of men in high powered roles have lives like your husband's but also roll up their sleeves and throw on the dinner/clean up after a child when they aren't working.

But if you, OP, are now thinking you want to go back to work, then the arrangement is no longer working perfectly and you are well entitled to want to change it. From your husband's point of view, everything is working fine so he doesn't want to change anything - but that is only the starting point of a conversation.

If you think you want to start up your career again, then start planning for it and start talking to your husband about your plans. You don't have to not work just because he would prefer it.

He said that he couldn't and wouldn't do it. I wanted to earn the same wage as him, but he actually prevented it

doinitfine you're ridiculous. She has a charmed life and you're just making shit up . The drip feeding is boring. She's adding it to look less woe is me.

I think you've been given an unfairly hard time here OP. Especially as other times on Mumsnet people a very firmly 'when you're both at home, you both share the work'.

There's nothing wrong with you making his breakfast, especially if you're already doing it for all your kids (just efficient division of labour), but him ordering it makes it sounds like you're his staff, not his partner. Not great for you, and not a good example at all for your kids.

And while the cleaner sounds fab, I presume he/she is not picking up toys, putting laundry away or cooking meals. This is the stuff which takes me a lot of time, far more than the hoover, mop and dust (and maybe iron) that a cleaner could do.

Finally, while I'm sure he would argue his Blackberry could go off at any time, it's not the same as being the go-to parent that kids give the run-around at bedtime and wake up in the night when they're ill. I find this psychologically tough and can't imagine doing it for 4 kids more or less on my own.

FWIW it's worth, me and DP have one DC and both work full-time, so I don't think I'm biaised. And tell your DH to give over with his faddy diets - he needs to grow up!