to suspect that this DH is living like a guest in his own home?

[Madinche1sea]

So this morning at breakfast, while DH was "ordering" his particular- style of protein omelette (😐), DD (aged 7) looked at him and said,

"Daddy do you think you're a guest in this house or something?"

Her comment got me thinking, but AIBU to think that DH could, in fact, be making his own breakfast (or dinner or doing anything else housework-related for that matter)?

We have 4 DC under 12 so the mornings are fairly full-on and I tend to need to be super-organised to get everyone out. We have 4 kids in 3 different schools. I should start by saying that I'm SAHM and since our youngest started school last Sept, can get some time to myself in the day now. DH works very long hours and travels a fair bit which is why I'm fine to do most of the house-related stuff. However....

DH does not cook AT ALL. On top of this, he is always involved in some kind of training schedule for some ridiculous event (like running 100 miles in the Sahara or something like this), so is usually on some particular diet which I am expected to cater for. I don't think he's ever ironed anything - I take his shirts/ suits to the dry-cleaners or iron his other stuff, but he never passes comment about how things appear ready to wear in his wardrobe.

I do have a cleaner who comes in twice a week and, to be fair to DH, he always tells me to get her in more so I can take more time for myself. But I don't bother because most of the mess is in the evenings once the kids are in anyway.

If not overseas with work, DH goes to his boxing club one night a week. He plays rugby on Sundays usually, plus goes on early morning runs most days. I don't mind any of this as he has a very stressful job and needs to unwind, but it does make family life more hectic - particularly with morning routines and all the stuff the kids do on weekends.

He usually comes in about 8 ish to "put the kids to bed" ie. joke about with them, cuddles etc once I have actually got them in the beds and everything else is done! Then we will have dinner together. He will usually do a few more hours work after this while I'm clearing up, sorting out kids school clothes and stuff for the next day. We go to bed about 11-12 usually.

I do have to say he is generally very thoughtful and lovely - for instance, he insists on taking me on "date-nights" at least every other week which he organises and books the babysitter for. He is actually better than me at prioritising our relationship and I appreciate this as it can be difficult with 4 kids.

Sometimes though, I feel as if he is living in a parallel universe, with no idea about the logistics of 4 kids, homework, after school clubs, shopping and general life skills. AIBI?

Stop - thankyou It's ok though - it's an open forum after all! More sense has been posted than nonsense so it's been helpful for sure.

Phiney - good metaphor choices! Whatever role they take, I just hope they're happy tbh.

OP I know that clinical psychology is fiendishly difficult to get into and takes years of training. It's also ultra competitive. Are you genuinely happy to just let all that hard work go? (I'm not saying it's wrong if you are, I just know how tough it is).
Funnily enough, I'm in the process of looking at private child psychologists for my son as I think he needs help but probably wouldn't meet the CAHMS threshold. Could you set up privately, then you could do whatever hours you wanted? I'd happily be your client!

well, i personally think you're feeling a little unfulfilled. he says 'why not take time for yourself now?'. well finding a pt job is taking time for yourself. if it will give you a view outside your home so you're not just mum / wife / servant it's got to be good right? if you're happy, the family is happy.

he should be encouraging you on this. and i really do think he can start making his own breakfast. gently foist a few tasks his way if only because it's good for your dd's to see him load the dishwasher once in a while.

MissHoolies - you are very kind (and brave!) - thankyou!

I did actually call the BPS today () and it does seem that I would need to do some form of accreditation renewal course. It varies depending on area of specialism obviously. They are forwarding me some info and I will go in to discuss options after this.

Thanks for the vote of confidence though! I hope you can get your son some help, even if not through CAHMS.

Thankyou to everyone on MN who has helped me build up some resolve as to the way forward!

He loves you all, Made1n. He is sure of it.

But you are unhappy, and the DD who complained at breakfast is unhappy too.

You are doing him a great favour by judging him by his intentions and not his actual behaviour or actual time spent properly engaged with you all as real, three dimensional people.

The girls have either a famine or a feast where he is concerned. His relationship with them is conducted on his terms. They have to accept it. Do you want them to have adult relationships like that?

Math - I hear what your saying about the relationship being on his terms. But the reality is that the job he does requires more than "normal" hours. What's normal for us may not be normal for most and I accept that, but what about people who are in the forces or work on oil rigs, spending months away at a time? There is always a compromise whatever you do, as Tootsie said.

It's true my elder DS misses him when he's away. When DH is home though he tries his best to "switch off" and hang out on their terms as much as he can. He is always very calm and consistent with all the DC.

Sorry DD (not DS), as you were referring to.

My dh works longer hours and travels a lot more. The one thing we always ensure is that they don't just have the 'yay, daddy is home' and fun. We want both our boy and girl to see that both of us are their carers

Dh tries to do school runs in the morning or will do homework at weekends if he can. When he isn't travelling he tries to come home for bedtime and will do all of it - not just the fun part. Often he has to go back into work after but it is worth it for him to take that break. He will often give them breakfast before he leaves for work and will cook them meals at weekends.

It's the sharp division of labour you have that would irritate me!!

Anti-boop - well yes and clearly it irritated me recently!

I think there may be some cultural differences, but I admit there is more to it than that.

I get what people are saying about the role models for the kids etc and I am giving this quite a lot of thought at the moment. At present, I have DS1 who wants to be a pop singer; DS2 who is very like his dad; Dd1 who is pretty switched on and feisty and I'm not worried about her at all tbh and Dd2 who is still in the Disney Princess zone! So a mixed bunch - who can say how things may pan out. They are all very loved though, which is the most important thing obviously.

This is a very tricky one to read from the outside, but IMO YANBU. I'm not sure I have anything much to add to what PP have said but there's something about the dynamic you describe that makes me uncomfortable - if he wants the kids looked after by family and not, say, a nanny, then he needs to be involved in that. He doesn't get to dictate about a person's whole life.

It sounds like he doesn't feel his role is to contribute around the house, and that he's free to take leisure time as and when he wants it. Your leisure time and interests are equally important - his don't trump yours because he earns the wage.

It is really important the kids see him mucking in around the house, as it will seriously affect what they expect from future relationships. I'm not claiming to have a perfect relationship, but although I do most of the housework as I work PT (freelance so am flexible) and DH works FT, DH will also do most things I do when he's around and our goal is equal leisure time. DH has always said that if I wanted to work more than I do, we'd work together to find a way to achieve that.

I think some very serious thinking about what you want is in order first. Maybe worry about the 'how' later. Would you also consider seeing a counsellor? I have recently done so and it's been so useful to tease out what's going on in my head, what's reasonable and what's not, and how to deal with it.

Also, in relation to the omelette situation - as I'm sure PP have said, it's quite understandable to be getting fed up with the situation simply because 'wifework' is so undervalued. No-one is grateful for it or tells you what a great job you're doing - though DH has become fantastic at spotting when I've got PMT and am about to throw all the washing out of the window in a feminist rage and telling me how much he appreciates everything I do . So comparatively small issues become big ones. I do think it's important that he does some of this cooking though, especially if he's on a special diet - I'd be sorting breakfast for me and the kids and telling him to get his backside off his chair and get his own breakfast in that situation.

Rumble mum - thanks. The thing is he does tell me how much he appreciates me (a lot) and he's invariably lovely. The issue is more that he doesn't seem to be able to find the means within himself to actually take housework stuff on. God knows why this is.

I'm not sure how I'd present to a counsellor. This thread has been a bit like counselling

The issue is more that he doesn't seem to be able to find the means within himself to actually take housework stuff on. God knows why this is.

It's hardly a big mystery.

He doesn't do it because he doesn't want to.

Because it is beneath him.

And he has a wife to do it for him.

I get what other posters are saying BUT I would suggest he sorts himself out of a morning and you carry on sorting the kids. Otherwise your life seems pretty cool. you don't NEED to go back to work so don't. let someone else who needs the cash have the job. Unless of course this is all about your loss of independence. Then you need a re think. x

I wouldn't be having my husband tell me he's not keen on me getting a job!! What if he loses his job or something awful happens and he can't work!? It would fall to you .... Plus you have a profession too why should you give this up !?

As for the rest I would be pretty happy with your life (bar the sahm bit as if go bonkers)

I think the problem I'd have in your situation is that while he appreciates what you do, it would feel to me like that's all he wants you to do right now - that's your role and you've got to stick to it, otherwise he's not happy.

True appreciation of another person means helping them to be happy IMO. My DH used to be flexibly self-employed and we shared the childcare fairly evenly. But he wasn't happy or fulfilled, so I pushed him to apply for a job he really wanted but was holding back as he was nervous. He got it, and is really happy now - I knew it would make my life harder as I'd have less flexibility, and it has, but we've worked together to make it work. Because that's what relationships should be like - give and take - not one person having to sacrifice everything.

I'd also take exception to the fact that he appreciates what you do but he's either unwilling or incapable of doing any of it. My DH cooks AMAZINGLY and does most of it, but I try to do bits here and there because I just don't want him to think that's his 'job' and it's all down to him. IMO if we end up with rigidly defined roles with no willingness or ability for the other person to do it EVER, it infantilises one partner and is unfair for the other.

Whether or not these are issues for you is, of course, another matter entirely. But clearly the current situation isn't completely working for you, which means something needs to be done about it.

he's invariably lovely

I'd also be invariably lovely and always in a good mood if I didn't have to do a single bit of housework, could "order" my meals exactly as I wanted, came home to perfectly pressed clean clothing, lovely children who I could play with when I wanted but hand back when I didn't feel like it. Isn't that the dream?

Any change to the current situation isn't going to be good for him - he's well aware of that, so why would he encourage it?

Everyone - I know all this now, so I will try and make changes one step at a time. It's hard to just change a dynamic overnight.

i think that just the fact that you're seeing this imbalance is enough to effect small changes. e.g. if he says 'oh i'll do bedtime tonight' you say 'fantastic! can you make sure they brush their teeth?' and then make it clear you really do expect him to do it.

I'm in a similar-ish position to you in that I have 4 DC, I am a SAHM with a husband who works long-ish hours (not as long as yours I would suspect), we have a cleaner for 2 hours a week.

I'd be pretty annoyed if my H was training daily, he plays football once a week, incorporates running/ cycling into his commute and cooks dinner 50% of the time.

I don't think your unfair to want him to be a bit more 'present' when he's around. I think most of those saying YABU don't have 4 children (that were mutually agreed on by both parents!).

I'm sorry, I posted that before reading beyond page one (I know, I know ).

I see that the situation is far more complex and you've had some wonderful and very thougtful replies. I'm off to read as there are quite a lot of similarities in our situations but I'm 4 years behind.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to successfully make the changes you want to

m

I agree that you cannot change a dynamic overnight, but I am glad this thread has been helpful to you and I hope, bit by bit, that you can get some of your self back, whatever that may look like.

To pick up on one of your earlier comments, you won't be letting your husband down by growing and developing as a person, by giving your time and energy outside the home as well as within it. That should be a source of pride for him. You have supported him all the way with his aspiration and subsequent career, there is no reason why that support should not be reciprocated.

Don't rule out some kind of RL therapy or support, particularly if you find yourself struggling with feeling validated. It massively helped me clear my head.

And I wanted to say well done for ringing the BPS - each step makes it more real and exciting and less of a big mountain to move to get there.

Cocoa - I really am so grateful to you for your kind words and support. Thankyou