AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

Are you a professional sports person?

Have I got this right...
Normally you do a sport (say you are a jockey or something, maybe martial arts) where you HAVE to be under X weight to compete. during that time, obviously you have to be very careful and tend to take your own food to places.
Now, you are pregnant (and presumably not competing) and your MiL thinks you ought to just eat as everyone else does, while you are pregnant ?
If that's right, then I think, whilst you are at her house, or out at a wedding or something, then she's got a point. What is the reasoning behind not eating what's put for you, whilst you are not competing ?

(if I've got the wrong end of the stick, then I apologise)

No.
Sport has never been my primary source of income (also because it's pretty much impossible in Europe. I could probably earn a modest living by teaching and competing [I still help training people], but I don't want to do so as a job. The risk of injury and losing my job is too high)

I work and will continue to do so (my DH will reduce his work for the LO). (he is a totally awesome husband. Just not into sports....)

Assuming you are eating a healthy diet for pregnancy then your DH and MIL should let you eat what you want. It sounds like you don't expect anyone to cater for you so they are making it an issue not you.

You should be able to eat what you choose but you do sound uptight and bringing your own food to a social occasion is not really acceptable unless for health reasons and even then it's more polite to allow the host to cater for you. Could you compromise and eat what you're offered when at someone house or choose something off a menu but do your own thing at home?

i have a friend who's a body builder so I know from her what it's like. But I also have to say that unless you are in the last stages of prep (in which case I know that the diet is very strictly organised) then perhaps a bit more give for a special occassion - and by that I mean a wedding or something - so long as you aren't coming up to a comp there's no reason why you can't have one meal that doesn't fit your plan, is there?

Yes, you got it right, BackforGood.
Well... Let's say it like that:

I will want to restart after the pregnancy (and train the LO if the kiddo isn't totally opposed to it. I just love teaching kids). I'm not sure if I can compete on the same level, but I really hope I can work up to it again. Dealing with what pregnancy does to my body will be difficult enough (let alone a litle child, a DH and work), letting myself go will only make it much harder. Plus, it's really hard training oneself to eat like this. Going back to it after indulging for months...?

If I make an exception for my MIL, will I also make an exception for when we're invited to friends? When my DH wants to go out to a restaurant (which was one of the few exceptions I made, because brining food isn't exactly an option)? When we go to his sister? When my mother cooks? When we go to a wedding?

Will my MIL understand that this is only for the pregnancy? (Because I highly doubt she does. I know that my mother understands) but I fear like it will set a really bad precedent in her case....

I really don't know ANY sport that you absolutely can't eat a dish every so often that someone else cooks.

It's strange, and I can't believe you take your own food to weddings.

I don't take my food to weddings during the off season (sorry, that wasn't clear in my initial post).

But in the 2 months before an event? There's no way I'll eat my MIL's meal once a week. I'm sorry, but if I did this I'd have absolutely no lee-way for business related meals or for date nights.

Why don't you let her prepare you something suitable? Alternatives and easy swaps to what she's cooking everyone else? You said she offered, this way you're getting best of both worlds. It's not rude to allow her to do so, so don't be worried about that.

I wouldn't offend my MiL so I could eat what I wanted on date nights with a DH who understood my dietary preferences. I can see why she would be hurt tbh

So you prioritise business and dates nights, but not meals with family? I can see why they might struggle to understand and be a little hurt (although in their place I would try to accommodate you - if only in a "that's one less person to cook for if 1horatio is bringing her own again" sort of way.

How many competitions are there a year? How many months a year are you on the strictest diet?

I'm struggling to imagine what sort of diet couldn't be accommodated at most restaurants. Unless you're going on a lot of dates and work dinners at McDonald's, I'd try to stick to the diet at the restaurants and then relax a bit at family meals.

I dont think that people really understand how important diet is for athletes/sports people. My friend is a cyclist and his diet can be the difference between a good result and a bad one.

They think "well its just one dinner....." without considering that it isnt just their one meal, its all the others as well. Also, its attitudes like "well its just a Yorkshire Pudding/one slice of cake/a couple of glasses of wine" that lead to the increase in obesity and type 2 diabetes. I wonder if they would have this attitude if your name was Jessica Ennis.

YANBU

It is no one else's business what you eat!

Can't believe people are validating the unwanted interference of others of what food you consume. How is anyone else's business?

Do you insist that they eat as you think they they should?

Tell them to butt out. Take your own nosh and tell them you thought you were wanted for your company, not as a mouth into which they pour whatever they fancy. FFS

GraysAnalogy, that is a very good idea. The thing is... now that I'm pregnant this offer doesn't stand any longer.

And whilst I was competing.... it sounds bad of me but I did try eating what she cooked (her "special" healthy meal for me). I get along with my DH's family, seriously. But she'll add extra spoons of butter, salt, put "just a little bit of sugar" in the fruitsalad etc. Food is for taste and pleasure in ther opinion.
But when you have to weigh a certain weight (and then sweat the water weight off again...) you do develop very particular habits, food becomes fuel, it's not about taste anymore. I can't ad won't eat that "lovely sauce" and the piece of pie during this time.

And if I ate her food during the pregnancy she'd insist on me letting her cook whenever we visit after the pregnancy. Tbh, I think that's what I'm most afraid off. Up to now I stuck to my guns, I feel like restarting it after the pregnancy will be insanely difficult and lead to more tension.
Plus, if I eat the same my DH eats, our friends cook etc... how the heck can I go back to my previous diet? Learning to eat this way was hard. Especially if one has a husband that loooves black forest cake, chocolate etc...

Getting into it will be difficult enough. But if I start eating like my DH for the next months...? :(

I prioritise business because that's about earning money, it's my job. I once ate a full dinner 9 days before a fight (yes, I remember precisely). The outcome was not funny for me at all and I will only do it again if work absolutely requires it.

*I dont think that people really understand how important diet is for athletes/sports people. My friend is a cyclist and his diet can be the difference between a good result and a bad one.

They think "well its just one dinner....." without considering that it isnt just their one meal, its all the others as well. Also, its attitudes like "well its just a Yorkshire Pudding/one slice of cake/a couple of glasses of wine" that lead to the increase in obesity and type 2 diabetes. I wonder if they would have this attitude if your name was Jessica Ennis.*

There's a really big difference between having ONE DINNER at ONE WEDDING maybe once or twice a year and having an extra slice of cake with every meal wouldn't you say?

Oh that's a bit crap then! It must be hard for you to trust her meals if she cooks like that so I understand your dilemma much better now.

This is just something they're going to have to bloody deal with and stop getting on at you for it. It's obviously a massive part of your life and career so they aren't going to be able to understand, a lot like we haven't on here.

There's a really big difference between having ONE DINNER at ONE WEDDING maybe once or twice a year and having an extra slice of cake with every meal wouldn't you say?

You have just demonstrated exactly the point I am making.

If she eats that way at a couple of weddings then she is under pressure to do it "just" once a month on date night and then "just" once a week at MILs. The OP has said how hard she had to work to get into this way of eating in order to be successful at her sport, should she really sabotage that for the sake of other people?

I totally understand where you are coming from and think you will have to tell DH's family if they can't be more understanding about the food then you will just have to avoid having meals with them.

My MIL is amazing at sorting out different meals for family members who through health issues, sport or preference eat different things. It becomes part of the planning, having the right things in and is discussed with each person so they are happy. Everyone feels welcome and loved and, unsurprisingly, she has lots of visitors and house guests.

So, my problem is:

1. I trained myself (and was trained...) to eat this way. Getting into it again after the pregnancy if I stop doing it will suck very very much. This was not fun in the beginning. I like white, fluffy bread, other bakes goods, cheese....

1. Dealing with what a pregnancy does to my body will be hard enough. (I'm happy about being pregnant, but let's be honest here... And I love my hobby. I think it's a bit like other people owning a horse/dog). If I don't manage to lose the pregnancy weight I'd need to go to a higher weight class (which would be really really bad).

1. If I eat what my MIL (or other people....) cook now it will be soo much harder to stop doing it again.

1. I will have to stop eating my MIL (or friends) meals after the pregnancy. I can't eat this stuff in the months before a competition. And I can never eat it on a regular basis. Yes, I do prioritise work and sometimes date nights (saying once yes to people and the next time no again is muuuch more of a hassle). My DH understands that I can make 1 exception, but it will stay at one exception. Bogeyface is explaining it much better than I can, tbh.

So, apparently this gets really mixed responses... Hm.

Tbh, I myself kind of struggle understanding it. I don't want extra stuff, nobody ever had to change a menu because of me. I have my lunchbox and that's it. I don't judge other people for the way they eat. I know that one doesn't need to eat the way I do to be healthy (certainly not). But apparently me rejecting food is a much more sensitive topic than I though it was (judging from the responses). So, I guess I'll try to be more understanding.

'It is no one else's business what you eat!'

Exactly this! And the rest of what Hearts said.

Nobody gets to tell you what to eat, if you choose to eat something because you either fancy it or because you're eating it to be polite then that's your choice to make, but them ganging up on you and creating tensions is ridiculous.

You're an adult not a fucking 5 year old, whether you're pregnant or not or doing the sport or not they don't get a say!

' But apparently me rejecting food is a much more sensitive topic than I though it was'

A sensitive topic for them, so let them deal with it and leave you the fuck out of it!

May be overusing the exclamation marks in those posts could be the wine could be the teenage me projecting...

AgentZ, well, I personally love your take on things :)

But telling them to deal with it and get the fuck out of it... Uhm, as I said, I do like my DH's family (usually). I don't want it to be tense.