AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

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Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

Perhaps it can be helped with humour. MIL finds it difficult that you do not eat her food but love of your DH means you want to have meals at her house. That is tricky.

Firstly, stop debating whether to eat her food. You choose the way you want to eat. Stick with that.

Secondly, you need to diffuse the tension over your choices. Having a laugh at yourself might help. Being less earnest might help too. Little jokes along the lines of "I'll bring my own, you know what I'm like!" Let them laugh about it and perhaps a little at you instead of stressing about it. Compliments are great for diffusing the tension too, like someone else suggested.

YANBU

Your body, your decision what food you put in it.

Your sport is obviously very important to you and I can understand not wanting to move up a weight group. There's a lot more to doing that than people outside the sport understand, especially when the difference could be 7kg or, worse still, going into the open weight category. You fight at a weight that you feel strongest at - that's why there's a phrase about 'fighting weight'.

The only thing that bothers me is you mentioned 'losing water weight'. I've never been a fan of people using saunas/sweat suits to make the weight especially if they have followed a strict diet in the run-up to the competition.

Maybe I am too committed.
I think it's a bit like this: there's a person that runs marathons, trains a lot, helps others train, gives running classes etc but is not a professional. They have an other job. That's not the same as somebody that likes to go jogging a few times a week. But it's also not the same as a professional. In many ways you have less of a support structure than a professional. Even if you have an awesome trainer and nutritionist (like I do).

(btw, appart from jogging I have no idea about running. Any runner I somehow offended here: I'm sorry!)

And probably (if I had a job that involved more standing/walking) I'd be more relaxed.

But compliments and jokes I can do. Just agree with my MIL that I'm being silly and laugh about it?
Btw, that's something I'm very willing to do now. If this helps the situation that's no problem But not when the LO is older. Yes, teaching kids an unhealthy relationship to food sucks. I do think I have to be very honest about what I'm doing, why etc.
But the LO seeing that the way I live is "not ok", is something worthy to be made fun of etc? I honestly do not see how it's much better. And seeing as children are perceptive (I absolutely agree on that) they would realise.

So, I guess I have to hope me trying to relax the atmosphere will actually keep the atmosphere relaxed.

I think everyone, man, woman and child, should eat what they like and not force something they dont want to eat into their throats to please others. Your body, your choice OP.

Okay, here's something to try.

Think how amazingly important to you this hobby is. How, for this hobby, you make sacrifices. That you put in hours and hours of effort. How you put it before food you would enjoy eating. You put it before extra time with your DH. You put it before having an easy social life. You put it before easy relations with your inlaws. And you do it because it is incredibly important to you. Because it doesn't just make you feel good, but has become tied up as a large part of your identity. And that anyone doing anything against this makes you feel absolutely fucking awful.

And then try realising that some people feel THAT strongly about food, and showing their love for their family by providing food, and that your MIL may well be one of them. So she feels as bad/worse about you rejecting her food as you would about eating it.

And then see if maybe you could try communicating a bit better, and maybe even making more allowance for her and less for work. On the understanding that she tried to provide some of the menu in a manner acceptable to you.

My grandma considered providing food to those she loved as highly as you appear to place your sport. If one of her children/grandchildren/children in law had turned up with a packed lunch, she'd have been beyond distraught. But we did manage to get her to stop slathering the fresh strawberries in sugar and cream, and always insisting on cake...by actually talking about it.

I just want to say: the LO is absolutely nr 1. If my way of eating would have been bad for the LO I'd have immediately stopped.

As for my DH. I love my DH. But if he demanded of me to stop training I would not do it. If it was the wellbeing of him that needed me to stop training I would.

Buut just to make it clear, my DH is supremely passionate about his research (he luckily could reduce his other engagements and will do a lot of writing from our home). Would he put the LO before that? Yes. My health? Yes. My DM liking him? No way. My DH would never in any way be ok with giving up (or compromising) his research because of my Family not liking him. Btw, my DM does like him. Maybe because they actually don't really understand each other (my DM doesn't speak a lot of English... She doesn't live in England), but they seem to manage to joke about the most ridiculous things by speaking a very peculiar hand/feet/spoken word language mix.

So, in this way he understands me being this passionate about training. He would not ask me to stop fighting. He just doesn't get that food is actually such a big part of it.

OP I don't think you have to make fun of your eating habits and I don't think you should have to eat food that you don't want to just because it's somebody else's way of expressing love.

Your hobby may or may not be less important to you once you have a DC. Personally I hope you manage to keep it going, it sounds like something you enjoy and which you get energy from. Yes priorities do change when you have a DC but if OP was a man no one would patronisingly be telling them that they need to go to the back of the queue because DH and DC will always come first.

Personally my strategy would be:

• Do not talk about food in front of MIL ever. Particularly do not talk about how much you love stodgy carbs but can't eat them due to your sport. This is annoying and implies judgement on those who are eating those things in front of you.

• In direct contravention of the first one, but for veg and fruit you could ask or your DH could ask her not to put fat/sugar on them. This may be a generational thing, my DM ruined perfectly lovely fruit salads until recently by adding Splenda to them ( DF is diabetic) which tastes a thousand times worse than sugar.

• Bring your lunch box with you, but judge for yourself how appropriate it would be to get it out. Perhaps you could have a very small portion of what MIL serves then top up on your way home

• If anyone mentions your eating, either try to deflect the conversation to something else, or have a couple of short sentences prepared - "My nutritionist has recommended I eat like this for my sport. Hasn't the weather been lovely recently...."

Like I said in previous post, the main problem in the UK is childhood obesity. Provided you are at a healthy weight, then I don't think following a diet regime that helps you perform at your best athletically is the worst thing you could do, just don't talk about it much and try to have similar family meals for everyone.

All the people who seem to think that sport explains/excuses the diet restrictions the OP is placing on herself are missing the point.

The sport/weight class may be the starting point, but the end point of the focus and control making weight necessitates is psychologically very, very unhealthy. I say this as someone who had to make weight for their sport and who has experienced and seen at first hand the pyschological impact of making weight over time. Put simply, best case scenario you end up a boring nutter who is a pain in the arse to do anything involving food with. Worst case scenario is you end up a boring nutter with physical problems and an eating disorder you can't shake long after you've finished competing. Oh, and for complex physical/pyschological/societal reasons the impact is far worse on women. Sucks, but it just is.

Obviously it's a question of "what is it worth to you". And everybody should be free to damage themselves in pursuit of a greater goal. Except in this case, the OP's diet is impacting other people - her inlaws, her relationship with her inlaws (and therefore her DP) and I think it's extremely likely to have a negative impact on her child.

All I'm suggesting is that she should think about that and be honest with herself. And remember the child is totally at her mercy.

Boiledfart But is me not eating her food really my MIL "indulging" me? Yes, I don't have an allergy. But it is my lifestyle. If it was a different religion, would you say the same? Me eating halal would be not "pleasing" my MIL? Me not eating meat and refusing to eat anything with meat like meat sauce, stock, jelly (btw, I do eat meat) would mean my MIL has to indulge me?

I'm sorry, I do thank you for your comments, but I have to fundamentally disagree.
Plus, one could also say that a certain degree of consideration (or "indulgence" ) is something my MIL could show me. Should she give up cooking for everyone else because of me? Of course not! Asking her to be ok with me not eating her food is different than demanding xtra stuff or saying everybody has to eat like I do!

I make my DH happy. He accepted that I had a meal plan whilst I was still training/fighting. he doesn't understand that I stick to it whilst being pregnant. He understands that I plan to go back to it after the birth. That's never been an issue for him.

I don't know what you specifically care about, maybe you have a cat a dog, a horse play golf on the weekend. Would you ask somebody to give up walking their dog etc because their MIL wants them to come eat breakfast at her house? Giving th dog away because the MIL wants them to go on a long vacation or something with the rest of the family?

Not to mention that my MIL can be happy my family hasn't visited them in the UK yet. My little sister will not eat (or wear or use) anything with meat, for example.

There's something that sits very uncomfortably with me about telling a woman that she can't eat what she wants anymore because she is married, and that she should just suck it up and eat what MIL makes because she's part of a family.

I think you should be able to eat what you want. Your husband and MIL seem very controlling.

It is unnecessary and really shouldn't be causing the upset it is, you are healthy and that is all that should matter.

I'm glad that you wouldn't force your children to have a restrictive diet and wouldn't force them to have weight targets. I agree with you about not allowing them to live on junk food, but making kids scared of a bit of butter is a recipe for eating problems. I would be wary of forcing them into self defence classes though (or any other classes). You don't know what sort of child you will have. You don't know what their physical capabilities will be, or what sort of things will interest them. They may be more into reading than sport for example.
As a school teacher, it seems that the fastest way to turn a child off doing something is to force them.
Remember that a child is not a mini version of you to be shaped into your body and fitness obsessed image. They are a little person who will have ideas that might be totally different to yours.

I do not talk a lot about my eating choices (unless it's on mumsnet. In a thread about my eating choices. Talking about the weather would be rather weird).
I just stick to my guns. I'm not making others give up their food, I don't make nasty remarks or longing eyes when somebody eats cake, I don't require others to cook for me.
But preventing other people from cooking food for me that I won't eat does involve a certain amount of talking about food (I have to ask if I can take my own, what they're cooking etc).
Obvously that's not the case with people I've been friends with for some time. Many people can accept it easily. My MIL can't. Ok, I feel sorry, it sucks. I don't do it to assert dominance or controle her in any way.

But if I want to do what I love I have to eat the way I do. The alternative? I'd probably have to train in a plastic suit or pullovers, sit hours in the sauna, take multiple hot baths etc to make weight. I do not want to do this! It's unnecessary for somebody at my level (because it's not my job) to cut weight like this if stick to my meal plan!
Yes, there is a certain amount of losing waterweight, but not like this. I'm not willing to do this to make my MIL happy!

A Muslim doesn't have to eat halal either, but if he wants to do what the Koran says he has to eat like this.
I don't have to eat like this, but if I want to train, train others (I can't be in worse shape than them!!) and compete I have to eat like this. (please let's not start talking about religion.)

First of all, my DH will be the main caretaker. And seeing as he loooooves butter. What the LO will see is 2 healthy people with different lifestyles that have a different diet. It doesn't seem bad to me.

As for the child. There are soooo many self-defense classes that are actually made for children, women or people with a disability (yes, it's not what I do now, obviously). I don't see an issue. Every girl in my family had to do it. Most men in my family did as well. One of my uncles can't really move one half of his body (he was born like this and had to get many procedures to even walk, he crawled until he was 6). He still did selfdefense. Isn't it even more important for him?

I didn't make a quick internet search and decided... ooh, I think I'll cut out dairy or something like this.

I'm sorry, but it's a part of my lifestyle. Maybe it's not like religion but it is a part of me.
My DH married me. Not a woman that eats whatever other people want her to eat. He could have married a vegan...
Now that would have been admittedly harder, tbh. We had shellfish fullgrain pasta with salad and carrots this evening (yes, I had a huuge plate of pasta). I had an oil based salad dressing, my DH had white dressing. My husband had chocolate after it, I did not. It seems very reasonable to me. That's a normal supper imo. My DH was ok with this (I asked him!)

I'm not sure, maybe you believe I'm on portion controle. But I'm not. I eat a lot. I just don't eat everything!!

For what it's worth, I think you are sensible to stay round your fighting weight rather than trying to lose a stone in a week in saunas etc like I have seen some guys do

What's wrong with dairy, though? I have recently started having a pint of milk as a post-training 'snack', interested to know if that's bad.

Was going to ask if this will be your baby, but I see you're a stand-up fighter, not ground!

Awww! how adorable!! Already chokes the teddy!!! :)

Huh? How did you find out what sport exactly I do? I wanted it to keep sliightly vague (plausible deniability if my MIL ever happens to read this thread).

I note that you have ignored everything I have said, which rather confirms what I thought.

Good luck.

"Awww! How adorable! Already choses the teddy" - Oh. My. God.

• chokes.

LaPharisienne , I don't think I did? I think I explained the child is actually not at my mercy at all? I'm not the primary caretaker! btw, you make me Sound like a murderer. "At my mercy"... Seriously?
I did say that I could have an ED. I do not think I have. But if I did have one I probably wouldn't think I did have one, right...?

Ok, you say me living the way I do is unhealthy for the LO. Right now it most certainly isn't (according to the doc), I don't think it'll be later. But I appreciate the pople that warned me here and do my best that it won't impact my child negatively.

Can I ask you something,LaPharisienne? I'm not trying to be rude. But would you say the same to a woman that... idk, tends to eat chocolate when she's sad? that the child is at her mercy and that she "should be honest with herself"? (this woman is phisically speaking healthy, like I am. It would just be using chocolate to cope. )
I won't lie, of course I like to train when I'm angry, sad. It's good to let off steam. I am honest about this. But... Idk, I don't ignore you. I just don't agree.