AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

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Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

See the fact you refer to food on a date night as "normal" and its a compromise to eat it for your husband tells me that your diet is much more restrictive than what your making out. I don't know of many restaurants that couldn't do a simple salad with no dressing and say grilled chicken for example. If it is as simple as no refined sugar, no simple carbs and no dairy then that's not the hard to accommodate when out. In fact the only compromise I would see is with mil.

I could be projecting my own issues here, but to me it sounds as though your MIL is being more unreasonable. It doesn't sound as though you have a difficult diet to cater for, even if she's cooking something different for others.

People get weirdly hung up about what other people choose to eat sometimes. I appreciate that people show love in different ways - but if one of your ways is through food, then surely you'd want to provide something that someone can actually eat! For instance, I don't eat dairy. Never have done. Our family's convention is to do buffet-style meals. Whenever one branch of the family hosts, they complain that I don't eat anything. But literally all the dishes contain dairy! And it would be so easy to just, for example, put the salad dressing on the side or get some cooked meat or something. I don't see them much any more - not over this issue specifically, but it was a factor in why I always felt slightly unwelcome.

But if your relationship with your MIL is otherwise good, I'd just continue to bring your own food. Or have a joint cooking session where you can try to work out whether there's a version of her dishes that could be adapted to your diet and make you both happy?

But that's not what I eat when we have date nights, The last date night I actually dairy and we shared a tiramisu. I eat this kind of food around once a week. Just not in the 2 months before an event.

I make these exceptions for my DH. Especially when we cook together. This means something to me, because I know he genuinely enjoys it. Just like he enjoys going to a reastaurant and trying my food and me trying his. It's ok, we can totally do this. He's adorable and amazing!!

I loove how sappy my DH is. But that's something I do for him. My MIL? ... Eh... Especially because she is not willing to compromise imo. She didn't understand in the past that yes, this time my "normal food" could be her food. Next time it won't be. Because my DH and I have a date night, or there was something work related.
And now she doesn't understand it at all.

Actually re-reading your OP, stop asking what's going to be on the menu in advance. That is rude and suggests that you want them to cater to your requirements.

Much better just to bring your own food to all gatherings going forward. Then if there is something that fits in with your regime then great, but if not you have something with you.

I wouldn't worry too much about future DCs. As long as you're not "that" DM who brings along carrot sticks for birthday parties then they'll get more than enough sugar at birthdays, meals out, nursery and school. Honestly I thought childhood obesity was the number one issue these days - provided you reinforce the message that your diet is so that you are fit and healthy for your sport and aren't overly restrictive on them, then you'll be doing fine.

I agree completely with LaPharisienne I would class your eating habits as disordered. Being healthy is one thing but you've explained in great detail your love for 'baked goods' but then you're saying 'I just don't want to eat it' which seems bizzare.

I would be very concerned about the ideas you will be giving to your child(ren) about food and eating. They pick up on everything. It's not so much what you do and don't eat, it's more about the level of control you're holding over it. A sprinkle of sugar on a fruit salad once a week is not going to impact you physically when you balance it out.

rokiemere, that may be a good idea. But if somebody counts me in and I don't eat it...? Isn't that worse?

I do eat like this once a week. I have 1 cheat meal a week (on Christmas I have 3 cheat meals in 3 days....!!) Just not always. I don't want to suddendly be stuck in a higher weight class.

I'm on the fence a bit. I can kinda see why mil can't get her head around it but also why you're strict about your diet.

Weekly meal with inlaws, usual socializing, speial events all adds up.

Food can be such a personal thing. I once went to someones house for lunch and they proudly brought out a masive chocolate cheesecake. The reasoning was that it's a one off and won't it be fun to cut straight to the fun nice food. I smiled but thought fuck nearly a days calories in somethng that will still leave me hungry and not fun because I dont have a sweet tooth. A relative stayed at mine and exclaimed about how I could eat all that lunch! It was a bowl of tofu miso soup with lots of veg, they had a cheese sandwich with coleslaw.

What you eat doesn't sound that difficult to cater too especially if someone is eating with you reguarly.

Anyway the bit I find wierd is why your mil feels the need to hide sugar etc in stuff. If Im catering we always put fruit salad or melon out alongside the other puds. Then cream in a seperate jug. Never had anyone ask for sugar but it wouldnt be too taxing to have in a bowl. Everyone can have full control of what goes in their mouths then, one slice of melon or chocolate cake, melon, cream and sugar. Their choice. Why sabotage the one food that is easily eaten by all?

People do find other people's restricted diets irritating. They just do. I'm vegetarian and some people find that irritating. I cook special food for vegan friends and for friends with gluten and dairy intolerance, I find that quite fun as it's a different challenge. But lots of people find those requests irritating. I do cook meat for meat eaters and buy halal if friends require it. I don't think I could manage kosher, but I'd certainly buy kosher foods instead of cooking. But even I would find it annoying if someone brought a packed lunch to my house, as eating together is about sitting down and sharing something.

So you can compromise for a work related event but not for your mil. I kind of see why she wouldn't want to compromise for you then.

Fwiw I used to go out with a professional kickboxer... he obviously had to keep within weight limits etc for his career and it didn't seem to cause half as many problems as the diet you maintain for your hobby is causing you.

I think anyone telling you what you should eat and then getting the huff/ silent treatment/making an issue is abusive

It's your fucking face, tell them to fuck off and stop trying to control you

If you were a fussy eater, had an eating disorder then my response might be different

As long as you don't make some long whiny 'look at me and my broccoli fuss face' I don't give a fuck - I want your company !

Boiled if she is a professional athlete all what she has said is basically just what some of them have to live like (depending on the sport obviously). I would completely agree with you if it were not for that fact. It's really not good to be armchair diagnosing someone with an eating disorder.

Sorry not quite professional, but hardcore. Sports nutrition is a whole new ball game compared to our regular nutrition.

But she isn't a professional Grays it's a hobby

Maybe this kickboxer didn't have a MIL like I do? A boss that invites people to his house to eat? Clients he sometimes has lunch with (actally, that one usually (not always!) works. I just have fish with veggies and stuff)
Maybe he also doesn't have a time consuming job despite kickboxing? I would probably be more relaxed if I trained more...

Yes, because it's work. It's a job, of course I make a compromise for work. how couldn't I? I'd gladly do overtime on my own birthday if there was an important case.

Well, I am fussy in the sense that I restrict my diet. But I don't look longingly at other people's plate and sigh with sorrow. Unless there was onion pie, I could never resist my DM's onion pie ;)

I don't know if anyone is being unreasonable in your situation. However, I agree with you that it will be harder to get people to accept your food choices in the future if you relax them.

Would it not be easier for you to eat more to your own pleasure (you say you very much like some of the foods that you deny yourself) and compete in the weight group that you settle at? I obviously know nothing about fighting but, would you be at a massive disadvantage if you were to move up a weight group? Are the people you compete against working so hard and restrictively to be in the weight group or do they just accept the weight group that their body tends towards whilst training?

btw, food has never been an issue like this before my MIL.
It has always worked out perfectly well. I didn't have to think a lot about it. Not even whilst still living with my Italian mother. It also worked when my DH and I were dating (in the beginning, before the fam meals).

I just ate what was on my meal plan (a meal plan I don't create myself, btw. If anything it's somebody else controlling my nutrition. But they do a really great job and it has worked brilliantly for me!!) and that was it. I didn't have to worry or think or anything. It worked. And it worked perfectly fine until family dinners happened, tbh.

Its no one elses business what you eat i agree!! If you are bringing your own food then its up to you. I think its ridiculous for people to get offended by someone not eating their food because they are on a special diet. Especially if they have known full well before hand that you are on a special diet so they know its not just that you hate their cooking. Just keep eating what you want and ignore these people. People will find anything to moan about sometimes.

Oh, and yes, other people in my weight group eat similarly. I have friends that don't have weekly cheat days...

I'm more confused after reading all this than before. Some people say I have an ED (I really doubt that, tbh. It's obviously not impossible, but I honestly don't think so), others seem to agree with me etc.

Urgh, verdammt -.- this is getting too complicated. I honestly just want to follow my meal plan.

Could you get your mil to be more onside by setting up the person who plans your meals as a common enemy, and paying her compliments? For example, lots of"Oh, mil, looks delicious - if only I could" and"dh tells me it tastes as good as it looks."

I honestly just want to follow my meal plan.

Just do this. Explain if you need to but carry on. You don't have to change what you do because of a few thread responses, where we only have limited information anyway.

People do find food rejection difficult, for reasons explained by pp. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't continue to reject the food though.

Now that I have not thought up, maybe that would work. But I think I should ask my DH if he's ok with this before I try to engage in manipulating his DM. Because honestly I am not sure if I'd be ok if he did this to my DM.

I completely understand your issues and don't think you're being unreasonable at ALL. I would be ashamed to be whiny and tearful and emotionally blackmail someone who trains and works hard to do well in a sport or activity that is huge part of their life and has been for many years. Yes it would be nice if they could join in but I would try to remember that it's not actually about me and it's actually them making all the sacrifices. I used to go out with a professional sportsman and he was like this though not quite as committed.