AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

I also do think that what whatthe says is relevant. MIL has absolutely no experience with making weight. Which is why LaPha's specific comments are something I'll actually consider more... My MIL's problem with how I eat is diferent. And it was an issue before the pregnancy, so saying she fears for LO's relationship to food doesn't explain her behaviour.

I dont get all the vitriol here? Why is this happening?

What the actual fighting fuck has it got to do with anyone here how the op chooses to live her life and prepare her body for a sport?

She's not even eating like this now, so what is the problem?

Now she is pg, she's eating well, but still avoiding the worst offenders in food to limit the potential impact on her post pg. no harm in that at all, she's under nutritionist and midwife care, all is good... None of anyone else's business...

I can pretty much guarantee that Jessica Ennis would not have got her Gold plated loyalty card at the local chippy while she was pg, especially as she was back kicking Arse and breaking records iirc within months of giving birth. Nutrition is part of performance sports, eating crap won't win gold medals, eating the things that make your body run badly, like low grade petrol in an engine, won't help the body perform at its best.

I think it's wrong to say this diet is obsessive, it's strict at times and colt rolled, but not out of mental health/ED compulsion, it's out of performance driven goals. ED stems from an irrational view or self image.

I think mil sees this as a battle ground and wants to win. rejecting her food is rejecting her. I think if you can show her you can make exceptions some times and explain why, it might get through. If I were your mil, I'd be asking if you were on or off and ask what I could do, but I do get that you are extremely independent and don't want to put anyone out, but it might be that you can ask for what you need, and it might help her feel more accepted by you?

The dessert thing today was a great example, you've Collaborated on this and I hope it's all gone down well.

I think it's outrageous that you would be so rude. I could understand if was occasionally but I feel it's attention seeking

You have a lot of years to come try and respect mil if you don't it'll cost you dear, it could even ruin your marriage. You don't need war don't start it.

I don't respect my MIL. It hasn't ruined my marriage. Lay off such nonsense, OP says her DH understands and supports her commitment to her sport. As well he should, it is obviously very important to OP. If you love someone, you shouldn't try to change them just to please your mum. If you do, that isn't a love worth having.

Did you read this thread?? I have explained why I eat this way. It's not something I do for entertainement or to start war. Rude?? I have been very accomodating to my MIL. In many things that I don't need to mention now.
Food is personal and as this thread showed me also crazy emotional. If she wants to show love she ought to understand that this isn't showing love to me.

I can't eat what she cooks once a week. No way! I have eaten what she cooks (on occasion) but I will admit that her food nagging and deceiving has caused a bit of an all or nothing response in my case (more prescicely a nothing response).

I go to her house once a week. If I had family in the UK I'd certainly never would! Maybe I'm being presumptious here, but I somehow doubt all DIL's are ok with doing this. In a way she could be happy I come once a week. She's a lovely woman (though very... all encompassing with ideas how things are done).

Yes it went well today. Yes, there are a few other things could imagine doing each Sunday afternoon. She doesn't have to be thankful, but a certain amount of appreciation (like no little-food comments and her stare) would be nice!!!

I don't have to do things the way she wants!!
I live in the UK because I love her son. I had a 2 year job and was expecting to go home after it. The only reason I'm in the UK is because of DH. Not because I earn more money, have more possibilities or am safer in the UK. i'm pregnant and my mum isn't here. My mum and family will see the LO via skype and a few times a year!
They would have loved for me to come home but they don't give my DH the stinkeye (I'll admit, they did in the beginning a bit. But not like this!)
No, think whatever you want. But do not expect me to answer.
Thank you for taking the time to comment.

Oops, sry. Bit overemotional. Uhm, have a nice evening, expat.

Expat777, your post was very rude, so ironic you accuse OP of that!

MIL isn't respecting OP much, TBH!

The irony of Expat's 'rude' wasn't lost on me either.

Pathetic.

Op, are you expected for Sunday lunch EVERY WEEK?

Time to scale that one back a bit, make it more ad hoc otherwise you'll never have a weekend to yourselves as family.

Cooking someone food is a gesture of love to continually refuse it is just going to cause hurt and then trouble. I just can't see what the problem is. I would say food isn't the real issue.

To you, maybe, Expat. And how, after 9 pages, can you not see what her "problem" is?
Are you OP's MIL?

Oh Gods no. Are you my MIL? :O

Also, you're right in food not being the real issue. But from MIL's side, not OP's. She's said so many times throughout the thread that she isn't purposefully making a big deal about the food, her MIL is. Even her DH doesn't seem bothered that she eats like this. And so he shouldn't; if she's eating enough, and is healthy, what the hell has it got to do with anyone else?
IMO the fact that she's consistently stuck to refusing her MIL's food means the MIL should just cut her losses and give up trying to force food down her throat.

Was this your way to tell me that this would mean war??

Like, I don't think you're my MIL? But if you were... Maybe she has mumsnet?? But she's not an expat. Soooo, unless she did this in 'honour of me... Which. Uhm. Yeah, no. My MIL didn't see it. She was nicer today.
Which either means she read the thread and understands(unlike you) or she appreciated the compromise.

And yes, once a week we go to my MIL (and my FIL, obviously. but we get along like a house on fire. Similar humour and stuff. Plus I think he thinks it's kind of cool I fight. I get a long with most of DH's fam.)

It's hard, because a lot of people do equate feeding with love, and also seeing someone exercise huge amounts of self control re food is intimidating, and it can make people think you're judging their food choices.

Eating together is a big part of lots of people's culture and by rejecting the food it can feel like you're rejecting them.

On the other hand if you want to compete at a high level in sport you need to make sacrifices and eating like this is part of that.

So basically MIL should stop trying to get at you (the secret additions of sugar etc is really bad) but it will be hard to come to a middle ground.

Meeting less frequently, or meeting at non-meal times could go some way to help.

I'm really annoyed at the level of abuse being hurled at people who would be made uncomfortable by having a person who you've invited into your home for food either refusing food or bringing their own. When I say I love cooking it's not my way of 'expressing love' for someone, it's merely that I enjoy doing it and enjoy the social aspect of people 'breaking bread' together. I think it's just simple manners that you show appreciation for someone who has doen something for you. I would never dream of going into a persons home and being so rude.

However as I have already said, I do appreciate that this is hard for you and again, I admire your dedication. It's difficult to see a solution that would keep everyone happy. I think the best thing is just not to go to your MIL's to eat. Let your husband and little one when he/she arrives go. That way you know what's in your food and she's isn't offended about her food. In the long term it will probably damage your relationship with her (and in my case it would also damage my relationship with my partner) but you said that you have to make sacrifices for your sport.

Oh and whois I don't feel intimidated by people who restrict their diets (and I am not overweight) I actually feel a bit sorry for them.

is it Muay Thai you do horatio?

Yanbu at all. If you were living on pot noodles your mil could be justifiably worried. But people will always try to sabotage for some reason.

If your mil equates food with love it will be hard to change her emotional response but that is honestly not your problem. It's hers.

Right, I haven't read the thread through but if you were my friend and happy to bring your own food I wouldn't have a problem with it. So long as you didn't make comments about what the rest of us ate, how much etc or sit there looking smug.
But it doesn't sound like you would. I think I am quite laid back about food. Sometimes if you were my good friend I may offer to make you something but I would follow your advice and specifications.

In fact, I would prefer it if everyone brought a packed lunch to me. I'd much prefer not to cater!
My mum and my family may be offended though. Or maybe not. Actually, my mum would probably ask you to advise me on weight loss and admire your self control. And then endlessly talk about your weight to me. But she is a disordered eater

Not saying you are a disordered eater!

I think your eating sounds very healthy to me, both before your pregnancy and currently. Limiting the simple sugars, simple carbs and dairy fat is something we should all be doing for health and the fact that so many people think you have an eating disorder is why there is a huge obesity crisis looming.

I also have a sport I adore. I don't have to stick to a certain weight to do it because I'm not into serious competing. But I have noticed that when I weigh less, I kick higher and cope better in sparring classes. So I also limit the breads and pastas, the sugars (not dairy or alcohol, not that committed!). Not because I don't love cakes and pastries, but because when you eat them it's so much harder to stop eating them again. And when someone cooks for you, it's hard to say "yes today I will eat this but next weekend I won't be able to" because they just won't understand. Far simpler for everyone to say "today, tomorrow, next weekend and next year I won't be able to eat this".

If you could wholly trust your MiL to cook according to your dietary preferences then I'd suggest letting her cook for you weekly. But it seems you can't (who on earth ruins a fresh fruit salad with sugar anyway! fruit is loaded with sugars!) - and so yes, take your lunch box with you.

I am someone who shows love by cooking, or baking. And I would understand if you explained to me why you eat the way you do. I might even try and emulate it so I could be better at my sport - and I would love my sons to have a gf like you (they are 8&10 so a few years yet!). But you would also be able to trust my cooking - because I cook to show love, I cook the way the person I am cooking for likes to eat, not the way I think they should like to eat.

Absolutely yes to insisting that your child takes self defence lessons. Mine do, it's been one of the best things I ever insisted on. When they're at a certain level of proficiency they can quit but I doubt they will want to (they're a couple of years off black belts and I can't see them giving up when they get to that level!)

Not sure why everyone's been quite so harsh, unless they're all feeling defensive about how healthily you eat.

(sorry, not everyone being harsh. Just those that have been, there have been a few)

Kind of relieved I'm not the only one planning to insist (or already doing so) on selfdefense.
Though a ma is imo not neccessary if they don't want to. My DSis took 2 selfdefense courses and knew probably more about it than I during the first years of judo (which was the sport I started with).

Yes, it's not just weight. I totally agree :)
It is imo a very clear difference of fitness (I so feel it after Christmas! My favourite holliday). But not drinking isn't really a sacrifice for me, so the there were very few times I've been like "aw, I'd reall like a drink as well".