AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

*the same way my mum does. Not dies!!

Totally get where you are coming from. YANBU.

I can see both sides. However what you and your mil are both saying is: respect me by doing X. And then what you're both saying back is: this isn't about being respectful of you, it's about honouring me. When a person is accused of being selfish, what is actually happening is the person is prioritising and meeting their own personal needs first. Unless you can have this type of conversation with your mil, you are both going to cause upset with the other person. Your dh isn't helping the situation because his dm is meeting his tummy/taste bud needs better.

I don't blame DH. He's not a picky eat, he'll eat everything. He just prefers good food not that he'll ever really admit to it "publically" (basically outside of our home or his childhood home), for some weird reason. And my MIL happens to cook good food.

Janecc is probably right. But Idk, I think my MIL's behaviour is a bit like my DM giving my DH makeup and then expecting him to wear it (not that my DM would do that). I'm not expecting her to eat my food... I just don't want to eat her simple carbs, sugar and dairy fat.

I know you don't mean to, I really do...and I have great respect for your dedication but the way you are talking about your MIL's food "I just don't want to eat her simple carbs, sugar and dairy fats" is coming over a bit sneery.

I can sympathise a bit because my husband can be the same way but for my cooking, although is more inconsistent than you. His initial solution was to pick over what I made, eg only eat the meat filling in a pie and leave the crust. I hated that, it was so wasteful and made it very hard to plan! So now he does what you do: if he doesn't want to eat the meal, he makes something else.

When I host, there are often a range of diets some for serious health reasons, a vegetarian, a vegan and I try to cater for those (usually successfully ) but I don't mind if people bring their own food if they're into whatever, in fact I'd rather they did that than have to worry I'm not doing it just right. I mean, unless they were bringing super excellent lollies for their kids only and not sharing but I don't think you're doing that.

All that is to say that I think you already are compromising and it's a good compromise. The alternative isn't to eat her food, it's not to go or not go as often and I don't think she sees that or appreciates the effort you're making for her.

Oh, sorry. actually, it's not meant to be sneery (and I never told my MIL like that). I looooove cake! Like, I'm not sure I can express (in English) how much I love baked goods!!!
(Especially the ones from my childhood, but you can't get those in the UK anyway. Usually flaky sugary goodness. Either dry and crumbly or soft and fried. Often stuffed with cream cheese, preserve or fresh fruits and cream.... ). Baked goods are absolutely brilliant!

But seriously, bread with jam is just divine (especally bramble)! Especially sourdough bred, that's still slightly warm with bramble jam on top. Or quince jelly on soft braided bread.
Or pie... I looove pie. I could eat apricot pie pretty much everyday!! Or onion pie! God I looove onion pie!! It's probably my favourite thing ever (I'm actually really really blessed my MIL doesn't make onion pie!!!)
So awesome! Now I made myself kind of hungry, tbh...

So, sugar, fat and simple carbs are puuure goodness imo!! I just can't/don't want to eat them (well, I do want to eat them, but I chose not to. And I technically could eat them.)

I see where you are coming from op in that no one should make you eat food you don't want to. However you have to appreciate how others feel about it. You said yourself upthread that to you food is fuel, to most other people though it's so much more. It's about sharing with family and love and trying new things. How restrictive is your diet, becasue if it's anything like a pp mentioned (plain chicken breast, brown rice etc) then I can understand to some extent why that would bother some people. I won't lie if you came to my house and turned down my food for something like that then I'd respect it but think you were being utterly joyless.

I don't know what the answer is though.

frikadela has just put what I've been meaning to so much better. I love cooking, I love cooking for other people even more, and yes if you came to my grouse for food and either turned it down or brought your own I would be hugely offended.

I can see why it's difficult though.

My house. I don't have a grouse and if I did coming to it for food would be just...wierd.

I may be wrong, but I wouldn't worry too much about this tbh. Once the baby arrives, everything I your life will go tits up (in a nice way) and you'll look back and laugh at the days when you had a spare minute to worry about what you eat.

RestlessTraveller, that's interesting that you love cooking! I hate cooking and wouldn't mind at all. Maybe that's where the divide is.

Of course your not wrong OP,is there any way your DH could explain it to your MIL?Explain just how much effort it takes on your part and how hard it would be for you,your body and your sport if you kept letting the food slip?

I do get it we've got a budding gymnast amongst our DC and a couple of my cousins compete with body building and I used to Dance when I was younger.It takes alot of effort and willpower and having your nearest and dearest on your side makes all the difference.

Oh, btw, I don't just eat brown rice with chicken and salad.
I eat loooots of veggies, also fruits, nuts, eggs, potatoes, legumes, rice and other stuff. Meat isn't a staple food... Depending on the time I do have proteine shakes.

I just don't eat white sugar, dairy, other simple carbs or any alcohol (it's not that I don't like these things, but especially alcohol is reserved for suuper special occasion). Not that drinking alcohol would be an issue now. If I were to drink whilst pregnant I'd absolutely understand my MIL's indignation (I'd never do that!).

Puppy, let's hope you're right about that... But honestly, I don't think you are. I know it has been an issue before (maybe I had a thicker skin? Maybe they [especially MIL] were less insistent? I do think they were less insistent). But I somehow doubt it will just die down.

DH nearly always respects my food decision, he has also often told me he greatly admires my dedication and discipline. (But I won't lie, there have been times when we were both a bit huffy)

I don't think he really gets it. He isn't unathletic, we go running together and he seems to have a fairly good metabolism :) But he just doesn't really get it in the way of: "Yes, this 1 piece of cake makes a differnce (not always, but sometimes it does). Yes, I will not have one champagne flute (as I said, not an issue now, but it has been met with confusion)."

I don't think he understands that yes, I'm still fairly slim (I mean, except for the bump) but my body is changing. And this is fine, but it will already be difficult to get back. And saying: "But you still workout and you still look athletic" doesn't really change the fact that I'm not in the same shape anymore. And I most certainly won't be after the birth. Like, I don't resent that. It's ok. I'm happy to be pregnant. But I'm not looking forward to getting back in shape again. (especially because I have no idea how we'll manage with the LO, work, etc and I understand that some sacrifices must be made [though it shouldn't be my sport, imo]. I mean, my DH will stay at home for some time, my MIL wants to help. So it will work out. But... it's probably going to be simply crazy!).

And DH has a hard time fully grasping that, I think.

Not sure what to say to you about not eating you MIL's cooking other than its a shame and it sounds like you're missing out.

What I would say, from extensive (sporting) experience, that very controlled diets are not pyschologically healthy - whatever your reason for adopting them and however healthy the diet.

I would urge you to think very carefully about your diet, your control issues, your priorities and the potential impact on your child of all of these before your baby arrives. I recognise a lot of what you are saying from personal experience but suspect there is an underlying reality you are not divulging either because you are in denial or because what you're looking for is validation of your eating habits.

I may be wrong. I'm just a stranger on the internet so ignore me if so. But I'd put money on being right.

HTH.

Sit too have a feeling your priorities might change once the little one arrives.

I agree with the idea of meeting up where food is not part of the visit.

Your mil is too invested in your day to day sustenance. I think a word from DH to say "look mum, you may not understand or appreciate what Horatio does or doesn't do wrt sport and her sport related nutrition, but it's absolutley fine, it's something we're both happy with and there is no need for anyone to comment or cajole her to be any other wAy. If she can eat your food, she will. If she chooses not to, for whatever reason it's not a reflection on you or your hospitality, it is just that she has not got space or room to accommodate that meal.

Let's leave it to her to decide eh? Putting pressure on her won't change anything except the atmosphere and it's really not worth it"

Sit, SIT??? Where did that come from?

I'm with everyone else when I say I would respect your choice but you'd only get 2 invites and if you rocked up to dinner with your lunchbox twice you'd never get invited again.

Uhm... sit? What does that mean....?

I don't think my diet is unhealthy. Tbh, I usually don't really talk about it (unlike this thread may suggest) I usually just quietly do my stuff. Food isn't such a huge part of my life as this thread my suggest. I just want to do my thing, tbh. I don't think it's more extreme than being vegan, eating kosher, paleo or whatever...

I am contemplating how it will affect the LO. But I'm not sure how seeing 2 different diets could be bad. As I said, is it bad if a baby has a vegan mum but a pesketarian dad, for example? I don't think so.

Oh, but when I'm invited I do tell people before. It's not like somebody cooks for me and I'm like.:"Ha, gotcha. You cooked for me, but actually I have brought my own food and you have worked in vain....!"

I know you tell them. But I wouldn't repeatedly extend my hospitality for you to throw it back in my face either.

It's also not like 1 vegan parent. It's everyone else eats grandma's food buy mummy says it's not good enough.

When I said sit I meant 'I' sorry, it was a typo. To be fair, if I had invited you and you said you were bringing your own food before you came I would still be offended. I wouldn't say anything at the time but you wouldn't be invited back. I'm really not trying to upset you, just being honest.