AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

Eat what you like - your body, your choice. However, you have said that you plan to start training your child. I think it would be totally wrong for you to enforce your eating and training regime on a child, and start having weight targets for them etc. Let them make their own choice.

I'm sorry you feel this way. But that's your right, it's ok. I do appreciate to see your perspective (though I obviously won't lie, I don't particularly like your perspective...) but it seems to be similar to me MIL's so that's good to see how some people explain her behaviour.

But I do have a question, how would you feel about somebody eating kosher so, you'd need to buy new kitchen utensils etc

if you wanted to cook for them? Or somebody eating raw? Or vegan? I mean, if you genuinely said, "hey, that's awesome. Please explain your diet requiremens. I'll totally cook something you can it", I'd be like yay, thank you. A friend of mine for example always has fresh fruits and roasted nuts for pudding when she invites us over. That's awesome :) And I do eat "normal food" around once a week (just not in the 2 months before an event). But the thing is, if I start making these exceptions when invited everybody will want me to do them again and agian....

But people don't have to do that for me. and certain people, like my MIL seem to be unable to do so. Which is also fine. Just, let me eat my stuff.

puppy way to dismiss the OP!

I'd absolutely love cooking for my vegetarian friends, I've never tried cooking vegan but there are a gazillion vegetarian recipes to chose from and I love experimenting and trying new ones. As for kosher, there's no way I'd be buying new kitchen utensils I would in that case allow them to bring their own food if they wish but, again being honest it would make me feel rather uncomfortable.

How restricting is your diet, do you eat, meat, fish, cheese?

I'd never have weight targets for a kid. I'd also never tell them what to eat (well, it depends. Chocolate for dinner or chips for breakfast are admittedly not an option. Or if the LO started to be clearly medically overweight this would be an isse. But I wouldn't just start with weight charts or something).
A friend of mine used to have a ballet teacher that had weekly mandatory weighings infront of everybody. She developed a very severe case of anorexie and never danced again....

I think the kiddo will just eat a mix between mine and DH's diet. Probably more DH's diet. I think I mentioned once that I know eating like I do isn't necessary to be healthy. That obviously applies to the LO.

But I'd love to train the LO. Not like weigthtlifting etc. But a certain amount of self-defense training will be absolutely mandatory. The LO doesn't want to go to a class I teach? Fair enough. Wants to do an other sport? Also ok. But I'm sorry, there's no way a kid of mine won't know basic self-defense.

I'm really shocked at all these people saying they'd be genuinely offended by the OP not wanting to eat their food, even if they'd Been warned in advance. In that scenario I'd just think 'cool, one less meal to cook' or if I genuinely enjoyed cooking then I'd be keen to take up the challenge of creating something the op would be happy to eat.

It really just highlights the split between those who see food as mainly fuel and those who see food as representing emotions. And the instinct that ' you reject my food you reject my love'

I dont know how you get round thisOP beyond saying that I think your life will change beyond recognition when you have a child. In a good way, but your priorities will get turned on their head.

I would absolutely try and cook something the op could eat. But how completely off putting for people to be at a dinner party with one person eating their own lunchbox dinner they made themselves.

Restlesstraveller no cheese or dairy. No simple carbs (bread, pasta, white flour etc). No refined sugar. Usually only one starchy food per meal so, like for example brown rice .

But if it wasn't before an important even I'd totally eat a dairy free curry with brown rice made with coconut cream (for example. but I'd have to trust you to actually use coconut cream and not use half and half or something).

I don't really eat a lot of meat. It's not a staple, but I totally eat it if somebody cooks for me. I do have mussels rather often and also eggs, and some fish, beans, tofu etc...(It depends on the time, how much I train etc.)

I do have to say that in the week before the weighing I wouldn't eat whatever you cook. and 2 weeks before I'd have to really really trust you (which I do not in the case of my MIL).

The thing is, I know how fruit salad tastes with fresh fruit or with canned fruit. With sugar or without sugar... (just an example) And I know what was in my MIL's fruit salad. One could even still see the tiny sugar granules at the bottom. And she probably thinks "pshhh, a spoon of sugar won't hurt. That's totally meshugge. She'll burn it right off with exercising..." (at least I hope she thought something like this...)

To be honest, in my mind, this thread has just illustrated what a disordered attitude we have towards food as a society and why were facing an obesity epidemic. Meals like plain chicken breast,brown rice and salad are healthy and should be what we're eating the majority of the time. We're not sports people but but we try to follow a healthy diet and it would be a fairly typical meal for us. We might have potatoes or a jacket sweet potatoe instead of rice and also add some salt, butter, salad dressing, cottage cheese or hummus for a bit more flavour but I think that would be a nice, healthy meal. As I repeatedly explain to my toddler, cakes, rich sauces etc should be "sometimes foods". You have my full sympathy OP.

Totally agree tights the OPs specialist diet does sound very reasonable.

I really wouldn't have a problem with it, the OPs meals sound like mine except I do eat snacks like chocolate, cake or the odd beer every now and then. I'm not training it's just the kind of food I like to cook and eat. No added sugar or salt just simple mainly veggie healthy meals.

WutheringTights, haven't you read the OP's posts?

What you're talking about adding would make for a normal and healthy diet. The OP doesn't eat ANY dairy. She can't eat at other people's houses (unless they cook according to her requirements) or at restaurants, except on the odd occasion and I bet even then very carefully.

Needing to exercise this level of control over your diet is unhealthy. Not necessarily physically, but psychologically.

I don't cook extravagantly for every meal but if I invited people round it's an event.

The last time I cooked for a large number I made from scratch-

Thai Green Curry with Roti
Sausage Casserole
Parma ham and sage risotto
Spiced potato wedges
Massive Bowl of Salad

(We're very much a dig in and eat family)

From what I see the OP couldn't eat any of that (apart from the salad) but that's because I was cooking for 15. If it was six people or less I do one starter, one or maybe two mains and a pudding. A lot of time and effort would go into it, that's why I'd be offended. But I wouldn't say anything at the time.

Again I'm not saying what the OP choses to do is wrong, I'm just outlining how I would feel.

WutheringTights I eat potatoes. I wouldn't eat a mayo salad dressing (but olive oil with lemon is what I usually have), the cottage cheese would be a nono. I also eat couscous, for example.

I do think that my "sometimes foods" are less "sometimes" (does this make sense?) than necessary. I know that. I know that bread ,or pasta isn't "evil",
I just choose not to eat it because it impacts how I train, fight etc. And sometimes my "sometimes foods" are "nono foods".

People that eat more stuff than I do are most likely still healthy. I mean, instead of a proteine shake they may have bread with ham, and that's fine. Or a slice of pie or crisps or whatever. I'm not judging. My DH does this. He is healthy (according to the doctor and the way he looks/acts).

I know that one could have a coke twice a week or a glass of wine, beer etc,,. My DH basically drinks a glass pretty much whenever I teach/train (he goes to his family, meets friends etc or stays home to write on his papers...) but it's just something I don't want to do. Alcohol genuinely wrecks me (not that I'd drink whilst pregnant).

I could see my perspective on fighting changing (though I hope it doesn't, it's my passion).

In England I "have" work, fighting, my DH and his family. Most of my closest English friends I met because of the sport. I'd honestly go crazy without it. It's not just a hobby. It's also a social thing.
I'm not saying it's more important than the LO. But do people sell their pets when they have a baby? No. Why should I stop fighting? I already kind of miss it, tbh.

RestlessTraveller:
I could have eaten spiced potato wedges (I think, unless I missed something about what these wedges are. Would they be deepfried?) and salad. I could eat this pretty much always.
I could have eaten the sage risotto, I think. Depending on what's in there... (My mum makes yellow mushroom risottos, that would be fine for example). I just wouldn't put any cheese on it.

What's so bad about not eating dairy? People don't eat meat and it's not like others make a huge fuss about it.

I'm sorry OP you've lost me now. When you talk of 'some people chose to have a ham sandwich instead of a protein shake' and 'he is healthy according to the doctor' you are coming across as being massively judgey.

Also this 'mandatory' self defence traing for your child? What if they don't want it?

I know that couscous isn't suuper healthy (it's actually also a simply carb) but it's probably one of the few exceptions I regularly make. It's just soooo easy to make.

My risotto recipe (well, it's Jamie's actually) contains butter and Parmesan. The wedges were coated in olive oil and baked

Cous cous isn't unhealthy!

I think you've been extremely patient, 1horatio explaining to us all the ins and outs.
Personally, I totally agree with what Nooka has said though.
I do now understand - if you are round at your MiLs regularly for meals, that it's not reasonable to 'just make an exception' if she's doing things like putting sugar on fruit, but then, I have 100% total empathy for your dh to need to be able to sit down with his nearest and dearest and have a relaxing, and tasty normal meal on a regular basis - I think he's extremely patient to not be able to do that with you as a normal thing. For me, coming together around the mealtime table is a really important part of each day - it's more than being about food, it's about conversation, laughing, sorting out the logistics of the family's diary, sharing news, even discussing things in the National news.
I think if you were my DiL, I would (if you were otherwise nice! ) just let you get on with it, but I totally understand the posters who are saying it feels rude, and inhospitable, and that I can see it makes your MiL uncomfortable in her own home.
I struggle to understand that any diet needs to be that restrictive for someone's hobby - you aren't competing in the Olympics or World Championships - but maybe that's my issue.

This is such a hard one.

It's clearly important to you to eat a clean diet and your MIL does not cater to that, which is fair enough on her part.

I'd continue to bring your own food with you, but try to take the focus away from food. Never mention it - particularly don't mention what she has cooked and what you aren't eating, and just try to move the conversation on to something else. If she mentions you being pregnant just say that both you and your doctor are happy with your diet.

I must admit I'd find it odd to have a visitor not eating anything, but if I realised it was the only way I'd see them and that they weren't intending it as a personal slight on my cooking, then eventually I'd get over it.

Well, some parents make their kid play an instrument (mine certainly did. I played the violine for 13 years...). Others have very very strict academic requirements (mine certainly did).
In my family girls had to take selfdefense classes. This was not a discussion. It wasn't about choice. We just did it (I then went on to do other stuff than just selfdefense, but that was my personal choice).

I think self-defense is important (for boys & girls). Sure, if they hated it they could stop after taking a beginners course. But I'll just hope the LO gets my and my DH's interest? (My DH used to fight when he was younger. Just always on a very relaxed level).

I actually meant to say that ham sandwiches are perfectly fine. Or coke, or pie. It doesn't make somebody unhealthy. The LO can eat that (well, not when the LO is still very little, obviously). Eating that doesn't make you unhealthy. I just don't want to eat it. I also know that cutting weight is not healthy (and I do not cut in an extreme way at all). I only do it under very close supervision.
I'm sorry if I come off judgy, I honestly don't try to be. It's just food. I eat what fuels me, what I need to eat to function like I want to function. You eat what you want to eat. I actually only get annoyed when certain MILs don't let me eat what I want or sneak sugar in my fruit salad!

I don't eat like this to stay "skinny" (I am not skinny). I eat like this because it's part of a sport I LOVE! I honestly don't think it's possible to do it at a higher level and still have an office job (am I being conceited? Maybe. But it is a hobby with which I could earn a living. With teaching, training others, participating in events etc. I chose not to do so, but it's still more than somebody that does yoga 3 times a week. I'm not knocking that off. but it's an other intensitiy. It's like somebody that regularly runs marathons whereas my DH and I go jogging together. it's not the same.)

I totally get that, it's a sport you love, I totally get that to do it well you feel you need to have a restricted diet. I think what I, and others have tried to do on here is make you aware why it might piss other people, including you MIL and your DH off so much.

I think a little compromise is probably needed on both sides.

Sorry posted too early....maybe forgo a date night for a meal at your MIL's every now and then, and please, be very careful about what ideas about food you instill in your little one.

RestlessTraveller, Yes, I think I'm beginning to see how drastically different many people here (and therefore presumably in my family, certainly my MIL) see it.

My DH is awesome! Seriously. But I do think it's for him different because we come from different positions. For example, I feel like me eating on date nights "normal food" is a compromise. It's not like I'm "Oh God, it's so unhealthy. I have to exercise more than usual tomorrow", not at all. But I wouldn't do it if I didn't know that it's important to my DH.

Tbh, food for my LO. We usually just had healthy meal options on the table and we children could eat whatever we wanted of these meal options (but if we didn't eat enough there was no snacking until it was "snack time").

I simply assumed that this is how it's ordinarily done.... But maybe I should read up on it. I have to ask my DH. Maybe there are cultural differences at work here... It could be that we both have absolutely different notions. Oh God... It didn't even occur to me up to now that we could disagree on this! :O