AIBU? Food, Weddings and other occasions (DH family etc)

[1horatio]

Hi (first of all, sorry for my English. DH is English, I'm not). Anyhow, I'm pregnant but before that I used to do quite a lot of sport. It included weight requirements, not just what I ate but also how much I weighed.

When I went to a wedding or was invited to a family lunch I asked what the food was, if I could eat it great, but I usually brought my own (there were work related exceptions for this.)

During the off season I could relax, eat piece of cake/a Sunday lunch. But during certain times this was not an option. I've never asked for special considerations to my diet, but DH's mum felt like she had to. She was also somewhat annoyed/hurt (she loves cooking & hates picky eaters),

DH thinks I should eat in a normal way, whatever his mum cooks, our friends cook, is offered in a restaurant, a wedding, the same things he eat at home, I'm not ok with this idea. I personally think being "relaxed" (eating like I do during the off season) is enough. The pregnany is a bit like an off season imo.

My MIL does not understand me still not eating what she wants me to eat. My DH kind of understands but thinks I'm crazy. and it causes tension between my DH and my MIL and also in our relationship.

AIBU? Do you have any advice?

They probably hate it because you eating uber healthily, competing in a sport and doing well with both throws a spotlight onto their own eating/exercise habits. Now its up to them what they eat but if they have weight or health problems that they know could improve with eating a better diet and moving more but they lack the willpower, then they wont like seeing you do it and succeed. They will want you to change your ways in order to justify their own diets (Again, not judging anyones eating habits, I am overweight myself now but I used to run for my county so I get the diet issues).

They are the same as diet saboteurs. My sister had this a lot at work when she said she was trying to lose weight, she would get offered cake and biscuits and "oh go on, just one" in a way she never did before. And it was always from the people who complained about needing to diet, never from people (fat or thin) who were happy in their own skin and confident with their own choice, be they good or bad.

Bogeyface, are you my long lost twin or something? ;)
Just kidding. But I used to be overweight for some time in my early teens. I stopped fighting for a bit more than a year and wanted to be "girly/graceful" (not really my thing, at all.)
I obviosly got into it again. But I had to lose quite a lot of weight, and seriously, whoever does it (especially without a sadistic trainer and an eating plan and family members that help...!!!) has my respect.

My DH is fairly slim (works for a uni and isn't a sports guy, but we go jogging together..) but I do think that certain family members may feel uncomfortable in their body...

I doubt it, far too flabby and unfit now, 6 kids later! I didnt have your self control and put 4 stone on with DC1 and its been a struggle ever since. Although I have calf muscles like steel oddly enough!

I do think that certain family members may feel uncomfortable in their body...

There is your issue. If you can do it then why cant they? They no longer have excuses, so they need you to be like them to justify their own issues.....

But my MIL is not the one. Her body is pretty much perfect for a woman her age who had children. It's if anything a DS of my DH (and aunts/uncles), but my SIL seems to be ok with me eating whatever I want.

Calf muscles like steel ;) Well, good for running!

That's the thing, if I do let myself go, "eat for two", eat pie, sauce, pudding etc... I don't know if and how long it would take to be at my goal weight again. And if it takes too long...

Sounds like a control thing - you are clearly good at self control and self discipline in terms of your diet and your ability to train to a high level in a sport, with all the sacrifices that presumably go with that - not eating lavish meals, I guess not much, if any, alcohol, early training sessions etc etc Most people are not so disciplined, don't understand it and as other posters suggest, may even resent it if it makes them look like slobs in comparison.

MIL is also trying to control things - yes, offering to make suitable meals for you is fine - but adding butter, salt, sugar etc is just her way of exerting some power and taking over control, though probably not trying to sabotage things for you if she generally means well (- or does she? )

You have a strict diet, which makes you appear fussy to some - however you are not imposing it on others, not demanding people cook special meals as you are happy to take your own food - so you're not causing anyone a problem, it's everyone else that's making it a problem. Of course it will be hard to go back to your training diet if you come off it for a while. So long as you are eating appropriately for your pregnancy, it's no one else's business really.

YANBU - at all.

Keep doing it your way. They'll just have to deal with it.

'But telling them to deal with it and get the fuck out of it... Uhm, as I said, I do like my DH's family (usually). I don't want it to be tense.'

Yeah, obviously leaving out the teenage angst (DDad: Would you like more mashed tates AZz? Me: DDad: Wha...? ) whatever you say and however you say it, they should be left with the understanding that they have no authority over what you decide to eat.

For adults it's a personal, private choice, and them trying to manipulate and pressure you into obeying them just isn't on.

I might have missed whether this has come up or not so far, but do you think you being pregnant has made them worse? With them mistakenly thinking that they do have a say in what you eat because they have a vested interest in your baby?

It hasn't come up yet, but yes, me being pregnant has made it worse. I thought that was because I wasn't competing anymore, so there is "no reason" to continue to eat the way I do.

But I could be wrong... Maybe it is about the baby? But according to the doctor my diet is fine. And my MIL knows that everything is going allright with the pregnancy. And it was an issue before the pregnancy. Just not that much of an issue.

I don't think she is trying to sabotage.

Before you decide that your ILs have it in for you consider an alternative perspective. Many people consider cooking for others as a way of showing their love for them. It can be a strong act of nurturing, with meals an important part of family and community and the OP rejecting their food may feel like she is rejecting them.

My dh got very serious about bodybuilding a few years ago and was very controlling about his diet. When he ate 'normal' food it was only acceptable to him completely without flavour or seasoning as that might affect it's chemical makeup and so put him somehow off track (if I sound unsupportive it's because the science behind a lot of what he did was very weak, and the impact on family life was very intrusive). I hated it, family meals are very important to me, and me eating one meal and him eating his own thing really upset me. Oh and I certainly wasn't going to move to his diet, which was completely joyless (I like food and I like cooking, plain grilled chicken with brown rice and salad leaves is not my idea of a nice meal to eat every day!)

My mother found some of his eating habits really quite offensive. She was brought up under rationing and thought his 7 meals a day was just greedy, and his rejection of her cooking very rude. Perhaps if his hobby had been more sporty she might have respected it more, but I'm not sure how much you have to respect people's hobbies really.

As you are pregnant it's also possible that your dh and ILs may feel you are prioritising your sport over the baby. That may be very unfair, but it might be one reason they are being a bit pushy.

How many weeks pregnant are you?

If it's early days then you've got plenty of time to perfect your comeback when strangers take it upon themselves to tell you what you're going eat and drink

I think there was a thread on here a while back where the OP was told she couldn't have a coffee by a bloke serving her at a coffee shop thinking he had more say in what she drank than she did.

Body autonomy when you're pregnant and all that, is it still your body or do you get less of a say because you've (very weirdly when you think about it lol) got somebody else booting you from the inside living in it?

Obviously I think you/women in general have the same control over their own bodies as they did before they were pregnant, but plenty of people don't, and it's a bit concerning if you have people you're close to trying to assert their right over yours.

If you are eating healthily, and especially to support a hobby you love, then it's a real shame your family are not more supportive. No one should feel obliged to eat cakes or any food just because someone else might be offended. From your post it sounds like you have to deal with this on a regular basis, and it isn't about one wedding. Must be very tough.

Very odd that some posters think it's ok for people to ruin their hobbies or good eating habits to appease someone else!

Your body, your decision.

However in your MIL's shoes it would upset me that you make exceptions in some circumstances (business, dates) and not in others. Why are they good enough to make an exception for and not her? I think either you make exceptions or you don't. Making them in other circumstances but not for her, despite the fact it clearly means a lot to her, is imo bordering on rude.

nooka

I understand completely what you are saying but it is totally irrational, controllig and very unfair to force your expression of love on someone else.

That might be so, but you also need to recognise that it's a total kick in the teeth to have your expression of love comprehensively rejected. I don't know how the OP's husband feels, but I found my dh's behaviour around food (and granted it was both relatively sudden and quite extreme) very self obsessive, with no consideration for it's impact on anyone else.

I'm not saying that this is what the OP is doing, but it could be how her MIL feels and it's always useful to have a feel for the reasons why someone might be behaving in a particular way.

I hope that some sort of compromise is reachable.

Tricky. Food is so mixed up with love that 'rejecting' food can easily offend.

Is it possible for you to eat part of what MIL cooks eg the meat but not the potato?

You take a packed lunch to people's weddings?! misses point

It's great that you have a hobby that you love, but you have already said its just that - a hobby. Your MIL views food as love, rightly or wrongly, so to her, I suppose you are prioritising your hobby over family occasions and that must be quite hurtful. I am not saying you have to change your diet or give up your hobby, just that you need to try and appreciate that your hobby and its restricitions are impacting on the rest of your family and clearly your MIL resents that.

Also, as someone who was brought up by a mother who followed an extremely rigid and restrictive diet and has consequently struggled all my life with disordered eating - please do think very carefully about how your future DC will develop a relationship with food if you are following a very restrictive diet.

FenellaMaxwell
This is something I certainly should consider. Thank you for mentioning it. I usually do eat quite a lot, tbh. And very regular meals (morning, lunch, supper, plus 2 snacks)... I also eat starchy foods, protein, veggies, fruit...
Do you (from personal experience) think that this would have still negatively affected you? Do you think it would have been possible for your DM to have a "not ordinary" diet in a way that didn't affect you negatively? Is it more about the amount your DM ate or the kinds of things? Tbh, if the LO won't eat pudding, burgers, smoke, drink alcohol etc.... I don't exactly see this as something negative. A standard European diet is not exactly the healthiest. Eating like I do would not lead to deficiencies or anything. But EDs are obviously something one should take seriously.

I'm honestly just really surprised you think a healthy diet tailored to a sport could lead to this (I'm not trying to disrespect your experience, I'm honestly glad you mentioned it).
I have for example cousins that also used to compete (different sport than I do), and especially the older one who was a quite competitive and successful gymnast had doctor check ups and diet advice from the age of.... 10? So, I personally think there's a difference between not eating something for rational reasons and not eating something because of an unhealthy relationship with food. I mean, there are also vegan or vegetarian parents...

I would just try and take food out of it when it comes to spending time with MIL. Maybe once a month or two have her round to yours for dinner.

When I first started reading this thread I thought "wow, how incredibly restricting and anti social; this poster has issues", however by the end I can see you eat well, for good reason, and are disciplined.

One night a week during pregnancy to eat more freely (whether that be work, date, dinner at yours) would be a good compromise.

nooka, this is a good thing to consider, thank you. I personally would see my MIL saying: "Hey, I know you've invested and sacrificed very much for your sport. So, I think I'll support you by letting you eat whatever is best for you" as a show of love.
I know, it most likely won't happen, but that's what I'd see as showing love/acceptance. I mean, giving a Muslim bacon or a vegan meat wouldn't be very loving, right?

As for making exceptions for work. I went to university for 5,5 years and I did this with the intention of having a stable income and having the possibility to provide for myself and (if I'd ever have them) my children. (Yes, my mum's experience with her 2 husbands did influence me here a lot).
Using my hobby as a way to earn money is not stable. It's risky, it can backfire tremendously and financially we would not be where we are now (not at all). Yes, it's just a hobby. But I've investested soo much in it that it doesn't just feel like "just" a hobby. It's something I love, a passion and I did contemplate trying to do it professionally (when I was younger)

DH is lovely and awesome. As I wrote above, he'll be the one working parttime (simply because I earn more) and in a way I honestly can't understand why somebody thinks I shouldn't use my "exceptions" for work. Especially when this (in the future) will direclty benefit the LO and has up to also benefited my DH (and will continue to do so). DH agrees with me about work exceptions, btw.

I sometimes make an exceptions for date nights because I know my DH knows it's an exception, not a rule... (plus, my MIL doesn't know about date night exceptions.)

The problem is that 1Horiatio has a weight requirement for a sport and is careful with what she eats. Fair enough. She has also been very open about her dietary requirements to family and friends - fair enough. But now she's pregnant, she feels pressure from her MIL to relax her strict diet.

OP - do you think that your MIL is mistakenly worried you're so strict about your diet that you could be affecting the baby? It sounds like she doesn't really understand why you have your diet and seems to think you could just let it slip every now and again, but if you do that, others could argue that you could let it slip at other cocassikbs which then makes a slippery slope. I agree with PP's. Meet your MIL when omitting the food - a shopping trip out with a drink. A walk in the park. Yours to dinner so you take control. Just because your dietary requirements differ to others it doesn't mean that it needs to exclude nor effect family life and in addition doesn't mean that it should put pressure on you. There's a compromise somewhere.

I've ended a relationship because of this. My ex was continually trying to lose weight in the wrong ways and had a massively restricted diet. Food is a big thing on my family we get together for everyone's birthdays and try different restaurants. Mum cooks. Massive Sunday lunch once a month. I used to find him questioning my mother or the waiters about every ingredient and style of cooking mortifying. In the end it massively restricted our social life and the time I spent with my family.

Of course I'm not saying you should split up with your husband. Just maybe be a bit more aware of how it is for him. Also will he get any input as to how your baby will eat or be trained?

Nooka

"but I found my dh's behaviour around food (and granted it was both relatively sudden and quite extreme) very self obsessive, with no consideration for it's impact on anyone else.

I'm not saying that this is what the OP is doing, but it could be how her MIL feels and it's always useful to have a feel for the reasons why someone might be behaving in a particular way."

Absolutely. You make good points (and I am actually more like you than I have alluded).

I am just questioning whether my/this line of thinking is actually fair and reasonable.
Just because someone feels something doesn't make it immediately right. 🤔

Of course my DH gets a say (actually in a way he'll get more of a say, simply because I'll work more than he does).

I imagine the LO (when older) will eat a mixture of what we eat (basically take whetever food that's on the table and the LO wants? At least when we'll eat together). I only eat lunch at home on weekends. So, my DH's diet will be the "dominant" diet, in regards to the LO.

Food is also a big thing in my family (my mum is Italian). But my sister is vegetarian and my uncle a vegan Buddhist, so, I think my side of the family is more used to "weird" diets. Which ultimately did help my mum understand (not that she was always thrilled with it btw. My dad has always been much more supportive in this regard and 100% understanding.)
Btw, I don't expect my MIL to understand it the same way my mum dies (how could she? She's not my mum).

Well, I've been like that for a long time before my DH and I met. I do think not accepting it would be a bit like saying to a horse person that they can't ride/see their horse anymore (I grew up with horse people and used to ride when I was little). He married me like that, so...

I like the idea of inviting family over (they can't really complain when we decide to cook 2 different meals, right?). But DH does love his mum's cooking, so this may be sometimes an option, but not really a solution, not eating at my MIL's house would actually make DH grumpy.

Because let's face it, she's a much better cook than I am, and I he likes not having to cook (which is what he often does when we have guests. I can do some dishes and will totally chip in. But he is the one with the culinary abilities of the 2 of us). It's not like I don't cook but he cooks stuff that wows people.

But I think going for walks or shopping together could be nice.