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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
PuntasticUsername · 10/05/2016 22:03

Yanbu, if you're going to buy a house together then of course you need to know each other's financial position!

Are you sure he's as into the idea of housebuying as you are? Is there any chance he could be trying to cover eg debts he doesn't want you to know about? Is he ashamed, as his salary isn't as high as he thinks it should be...?

Creampastry · 10/05/2016 22:03

I don't think he's that interested in getting a mortgage with you ...

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2016 22:03

Yanbu.
Is he expecting you to leave the room when you have a mortgage meeting and go over the financials?

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2016 22:04

What does he do for a living?

Littlepeople12345 · 10/05/2016 22:05

He's being an idiot. I'd tell him I'm not interested in living with him anymore!

MissBattleaxe · 10/05/2016 22:05

Do not buy a house with him. In fact, do not be his girlfriend either.

Chippednailvarnishing · 10/05/2016 22:05

Why are you even considering buying with someone you don't live with?

monkeyfacegrace · 10/05/2016 22:05

I don't get this secrecy bollocks. How on EARTH can you have a life with someone and not know what they earn?!

BestZebbie · 10/05/2016 22:05

No, if you are about to entangle your finances YANBU to ask. Also for his credit score, as any blacklisting will affect the house purchase too.

If this were two friends or colleagues buying an investment property, or parents buying in to help a child, then I could maybe understand just demonstrating that half the money is available and not having to go into details about any other assets they might have etc - but if you are having any kind of thoughts about getting married to this boyfriend after you get a house together, I'd be seriously concerned about this.

What is he afraid of? Does he think you will try to take his money if he reveals that he has some? is he embarrassed that he has bad financial news?

Original poster
purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:06

His salary is almost 3x mine, and I've always known it was significantly higher just not to what extent. He's generally pretty open with whatever debts he has which made this quite a surprise.

*Are you sure he's as into the idea of housebuying as you are?" - this is exactly what I'm thinking, he already owns a house and I'm really not convinced he's interested in moving.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 10/05/2016 22:06

He doesn't want to get a mortgage with you.

Do you by any chance have a well paid job and a large deposit? Be very careful.

Ameliablue · 10/05/2016 22:07

Sounds like for whatever reason, he is not keen on getting a mortgage with you.

sooperdooper · 10/05/2016 22:07

Does he even understand how joint mortgage works? How does he expect that to pan out if he doesn't want to tell you his salary?

Do you have a deposit and savings for fees etc?

Annabel7 · 10/05/2016 22:07

YANBU at all! If he won't disclose his salary, you can't work out the mortgage at all and it doesn't bode well for the future if he doesn't trust you with this information. You may not want kids but if you can ever envisage a scenario where you are dependent on his income for any period of time, I expect it would be very tricky. I also wouldn't recommend buying somewhere together if you've never lived together before. You might drive each other crazy. Could you rent for a bit first?

greybead · 10/05/2016 22:10

I'd get rid. This is basic information when you are owning and running a household together. Red flag imo.

Hassled · 10/05/2016 22:10

If you haven't lived together yet, the last thing you need to be doing is buying somewhere together. See if you get along in the same flat/house for a couple of years before you make that sort of commitment.

HairySubject · 10/05/2016 22:10

I think he earns less than you do and is embarrassed about it. You do need to know really if you are planning on buying a joint asset.

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2016 22:12

Why don't you move into his place for a bit first?

Original poster
purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:13

We are/were planning on living together in his house for a while until it sold/we were looking at new builds that have only just started being built so we would have been living together before buying.

OP posts:
TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 10/05/2016 22:13

so where did the house he owns come from? Does he really own it? Who knows?

Naicehamshop · 10/05/2016 22:17

He sounds like a massive twat. This is a serious red flag OP - think carefully about moving in with someone who won't even share basic financial info with you.

lunalunalooney · 10/05/2016 22:17

Sounds like hes scared of long term commitment looming. Sorry, OP.

NicknameUsed · 10/05/2016 22:19

I'd think again about living with him TBH.

MaryPopped · 10/05/2016 22:20

doesn't sound like you guys are ready for this

silverpenny · 10/05/2016 22:20

Is is salary really 3x yours? how do you know if he doesn't want to talk about it?

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