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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:47

Cabrinha - guesstimating - I knew what he earned in his previous job, and added a bit, even if I overestimated he definitely earns at least double what I do.

It was his idea, I said I wasn't comfortable living in his house long term and he told me to look for something else, but yea, not really sure he meant it now.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 10/05/2016 22:49

Bear, I know the rules say the subject has to approve a credit run, but there's some workaround used by online services. As it goes, I'd advise OP to stop linking her life with this bloke at all as he's pretty much stated his position. But, if she's dying of curiosity, she can find out a few basics by herself.

I still say buy a house with a female friend!

Somerville · 10/05/2016 22:50

Have you not been with him for very long?

This is what the dating-each-other time is for. Not just learning how much your boyfriend is paid, but checking whether they are open and honest and live within their means and all that good stuff.

LizzieMacQueen · 10/05/2016 22:50

I'm the poster that said I was married 25 years and don't know my DH salary.

I suppose I do know what he earns but I would have to look at the papers from our last mortgage application. But I couldn't quote you the exact salary figure... to within a few thousand perhaps.

GarlicShake · 10/05/2016 22:50

I said I wasn't comfortable living in his house long term and he told me to look for something else, but

Erm, did you just assume he meant look for a forever home for us to buy together??

Bearbehind · 10/05/2016 22:51

garlic I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure you can't legally just go online and find out very sensitive financial information about people without their permission.

Frazzled2207 · 10/05/2016 22:55

He's not serious about buying a house with you. End of.

Cabrinha · 10/05/2016 22:56

If he's already in a house he's happy with, he has very little incentive to move.
House buying is a hassle, and it costs money.
I wouldn't do it just to have the same type / size / location of property.

My fiancé and I could get something bigger than either of our places, but we don't want a bigger mortgage - even with two of us. We'd rather be paying off than increasing.

Even if he wants to live with you - is he really happy to buy another house?

Iflyaway · 10/05/2016 22:56

It's really not about what another's salary is....

It's about what YOUR OWN salary is and can you live on that...

Anyone expecting a basic stranger to provide is being a fool really. You only have to peruse the MNs forum to see the whole spectrum of life.

Where did feminism go and being an independent woman in your life. Anyone can leave you any day any hour and in any situation.

Whatever you do, don't fool yourself....

GasLightShining · 10/05/2016 23:00

Is hoping to use a Financial Adviser who is also a mind reader. Salary will be discussed at the appointment

My DSis has debts her DH didn't know about. They then bought a new house so she had to come clean

CreepingDogFart · 10/05/2016 23:00

LTB Confused

Klaptout · 10/05/2016 23:08

My friend was in a very similar situation, she had a mortgage on her house, he told her he had one too.
She found a letter from the landlord, they split up soon after as she felt she couldn't trust him.

Dozer · 10/05/2016 23:16

He told you to look for something else - for both of you, or just you?

Sounds like the latter.

BeckyMcDonald · 10/05/2016 23:24

Long term, are you planning marriage and children? Because if you are, I'd wonder at what point he was planning on disclosing his salary. It's information you need to know when planning a future as a family.

I'd bin him off though, tbh. What's the point in being with someone who wants to keep big secrets? Where's the trust?

QuintessentialShadow · 10/05/2016 23:31

Shit! I have been married 25 years and I couldn't tell you exactly what my husband currently earns......

Were you as ignorant about his financial affairs 25 + years ago when you just started out together, or did you at any point in the early years know his salary? You mention you have access to your mortgage application....

I honestly think it is pretty dumb to compare people coming up to their silver anniversary to a new young couple.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/05/2016 23:57

Does not sound like he wants to move in with you.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 00:56

By "something else" he did mean something for us together, he knows I'm perfectly happy where I am and have no intention of moving unless it was to move in with him. I wasn;t just bombarding him with houses, he was also sending me links to houses in a different area it wasn't entirely one sided - though it was kind of a "this is exactly the same house you want but £50k cheaper if we moved 20 miles outside of the city" type thing, not "lets go and see this house" IYKWIM? Anyway, I'm going to drop it, if he doesn't bring it up again it's pretty clear he doesn't want to buy a house with me Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 01:04

I might be way off the mark here so if I am I apologise but I have a sense of de ja vu- this wouldn't be the teacher who goes off on holiday by himself to places you want to visit would it? - No, not a teacher and I haven't posted before :)

OP posts:
Piemernator · 11/05/2016 01:51

Water testing on both sides here.

I don't think he sees you as a ong term prospect hence his reluctance to actually mix money and get a mortgage.

I'm afraid he has you in the will do for the moment camp,

whattodowiththepoo · 11/05/2016 03:54

My DP doesn't know my salary but she does know what I can afford to pay for.
If he is serious about buying a house with you he needs to be more honest and open and at least give you a budget and some proof that he isn't in massive secret debt.
Don't tie your financial life to a boat that you don't know can float.

Just5minswithDacre · 11/05/2016 05:11

But if you know it's 3 x your salary, then you know what it is Confused

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 11/05/2016 05:36

Could it be that he doesn't want to have a large mortgage? Based on your last post maybe he wants something cheaper further out and a change of pace. He might not be wanting to put all of his money into one place and have some flexibility in case your situation changes. It sounds as if he doesn't want to get as large a mortgage as he can, leaving some flexibility in case things change. Maybe he is concerned that if he gives you an exact figure you will set your sights high.

I have been very pleased that we didn't over stretch ourselves when the dc were young. I would look at the price ranges he is suggesting and have a discussion about the life style you both want. There are some financial red flags and I think it sounds like you should have the financial security of marriage if you decide to have children (not that I would advocate either at this stage).

moonandforward · 11/05/2016 06:24

I wonder if he's lead you to believe that he's earning more than he really is?
Maybe he's a bit embarrassed.

MimiSunshine · 11/05/2016 06:40

Don't just leave it to see if he brings it up. It will simmer away in the background and that lack of communication is no good for a relationship.
Next time you're together (not via message / email) bring it up and say you don't feel he's particularly keen to seriously look at buying together due to his reaction to asking his salary.
If he says he is he just doesn't think you need to know it, just say you do to have any idea of what mortgage you can both get and have an online mortgage calculator ready to fill in.

If he won't at the stage then you have your answer

Dozer · 11/05/2016 06:48

If you've discussed buying a house, which is a massive financial thing, have you discussed marriage?

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