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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 12:25

So how did that descend into a fight?
How do you feel about moving in (and moving your child in) with a man who was angry with you for a reasonable question?

CloneMeNow · 11/05/2016 12:37

It's just mad to tie yourself financially (with a joint mortgage you are not financially independent any longer) to a man whom you can't discuss financial matters with openly and mutually. However difficult things are now, they'll be 1,000 times worse once you are locked into a financial commitment.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 11/05/2016 12:46

Why did he sell his house, before you'd had a chance to live together?

He sounds very odd.

I find some people are very open about there depts and even exaggerate them, to plead poverty. When they certainly aren't. Most genuine people in debt are less vocal.

I don't think he really wants to buy a house with you. I personally would reassess the relationship.

IfTheCapFitsWearIt · 11/05/2016 12:48

Oh sorry OP I didn't see all the other pages Blush off to RTFT now

mygorgeousmilo · 11/05/2016 12:54

YANBU, you would expect to know this about a person you have a future with - and by the sounds of it, he's not interested in buying a property with you. Read: he's just not that into you.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 13:08

He didn't really get angry - I pushed the issue into a fight as his inability to give me a reason why I couldn't know was pissing me off. He's laid back and very difficult to anger so that isn't really a concern.

He does want to be with me, that's not something I need to question, the question is more - does he want to sell his house with a low mortgage and plenty of space for DS and I to move to a more expensive area just so we'd have a house that's "ours" rather than "his".

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 13:23

Why does it have to be a more expensive area?

Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 13:25

What makes you feel it is ours not his? Just the money? In which case, why not remortgage together on his? It makes no financial sense to buy another house just for the sake of it.

Horsemad · 11/05/2016 13:26

If it's a joint mortgage wouldn't you be liable for the mortgage payments if he reneged?

Be careful OP.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 13:27

I want to live near the city centre, where we both work and my son goes to school, his house is about 15 miles away on the outskirts so naturally a lot cheaper.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 15:05

So it's not just about "his" house vs "ours".
It's about you wanting to live in the city centre and him not being prepared to pay a premium for that or compromise on space?
I can see his point.
It might not be reconcilable in the short term.

I says upthread that my fiancé is moving in with me. What I didn't say is that he's waiting 2 years first. We're only 5 miles apart now but we both have children in walking distance of their school and want to keep it that way. There's no arguments - we just recognise that though we're desperate to live together, it just isn't practical!

Perhaps that's true for you.
Was he refusing to tell you his salary cos he had the arse at you sending links that were all in the city after he's told you he didn't want to move there?

peggyundercrackers · 11/05/2016 15:56

so really the issue is nothing to do with the money he earns - its really about where you want to live vs where he wants to live.

I can see his point on this one tbh - his house already sounds like a better option given its got lots of space and is cheaper than what you want - no doubt because its no the outskirts of town its in a quiet area too. 15 miles isn't a big distance to travel every day to work, I'm guessing 90% of the working population travel more than this every day.

Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 15:58

15 miles is a big commute to force onto OP's child though!
It may not be practical to live together yet.

Isetan · 11/05/2016 15:59

Take the house buying blinkers off and stop making excuses for this man. He isn't laid back, he's disinterested and he isn't being generous but protective of his own interest. Actions speak louder than words and until his actions can guarantee the chequers his gob has written, I'd take what he says with a large pinch of salt.

There's an obvious discrepancy between what he says he wants and what he actually wants and if he can't, or won't vocalise what that difference is, then you're on a hiding to nothing. He's making excuses and dressing his actions up to make out he's thinking of your best interest, rather than his own. These personality traits won't be confined to house buying and just when you think you've resolved this issue, the pattern will repeat and rear its ugly head later on.

The greater issue here is not whether he wants to buy a house with you, it's that he isn't being honest about it.

2rebecca · 11/05/2016 17:18

I presume your son would move school if you moved 15 miles away unless he's mid to late teens in which case that may be another reason he's in no rush to move.
A laid back person will happily discuss their salary.
I can't imagine moving in with someone and not telling them how much I earn, what direct debits/ credit cards etc I have and expecting them to tell me the same.
I am financially independent though and would want to be sure I was in a serious relationship with someone who was open and sensible with money.
I don't discuss my income with friends but don't see it as a big secret I'd keep from someone I wanted to share my life with.
I'd rather live alone and just have evenings out with someone than risk being financially screwed over or feeling like a kept woman.

Shelby2010 · 11/05/2016 17:35

YABU

You've never lived together, but you want him to sell his house to get one together. You want to get a mortgage that's 20% higher than your current rent so if necessary you can manage on your own. So your plan is he gives up his house but if it all falls through then you get to keep the new house?! Presumably he would also be putting down the lions share of the deposit.

Understandably you want to live near your son's school. When he says that you wouldn't be able to get such a nice house as he has now in that area, you want to see his payslips so you can prove him wrong. You already know roughly what he earns.

He offers to buy a house in the right area for you all to live in. You won't need to pay rent, so you can either save the money or change your career. That's not good enough because you can't accept not being a joint owner.

I think he would be mad to give up his security to throw his lot in with you, I understand you've been burnt before, but you sound like a gold digger. The best compromise would be for him to rent out his house & for you to rent a house together to see how things go. That way if you split up you can both walk away with what you put in.

Dozer · 11/05/2016 18:23

You have a DC? Even more important not to become financially reliant on this man. If you enter a set up where the house is his and take a drop in salary to retrain and the relationship ends you and DS would be out of the house and with a low or no salary to get somewhere else decent.

If you really must live together, why not just rent somewhere?

2rebecca · 11/05/2016 20:20

Why would he as a home owner choose to throw money away on rent? If a bloke who earned less than me asked me to rent so we were equal I would run away

mortgagefreesoon5 · 12/05/2016 03:19

I may go a bit against the grain here. Some people find it difficult to discuss finances ,specially if they haven't lived with anyone before, there are debts involved, or not earning what they suggested they earn. Whatever the issue it needs to be addressed pronto.
So, he needs to open up if you want the relationship to develop. Finances are a big pilar in relationships wether we like it or not, so it's very important to set up a good solid base right from the start. I personally would get him to first sell his house and then move in with you, that would show a commitment, for a few months, save some money together (you would only be running one place to live) and then buy a house. Renting for a few months ( while you save, learn to live together, check areas where you both want to live)is not a waste of money but this is just my opinion.

peggyundercrackers · 12/05/2016 07:40

Mortgagefreesoon why would he sell his house to move into rented accommodation? That makes absolutely no sense what so ever. He doesn't need to sell he is house to afford a new one, he just doesn't want a big mortgage like OP does.

Cabrinha · 12/05/2016 07:47

There's a difference between discomfort discussing finances and getting angry and shutting down your girlfriend when she tries.

peggyundercrackers · 12/05/2016 09:52

Cabrinha he didn't get angry it was the OP who kept pushing it and who got angry. OP has already said that in her post at 13:08

purplefox - He didn't really get angry - I pushed the issue into a fight as his inability to give me a reason why I couldn't know was pissing me off

Cabrinha · 12/05/2016 10:44

The OP said he got angry.
Then she said she pushed him into a fight.
Did she, or is she victim blaming herself?
Sounds like he was angry (as she first said) and then she took the blame.

I could understand him getting angry if she was pushing him asking something unreasonable - but she wasn't.

Asking how much your boyfriend earns when you're both talking about getting a mortgage together is perfectly reasonable.

I'm still "jury out" on his anger.

peggyundercrackers · 12/05/2016 12:22

The OP said he got angry

OP has never said he got angry - she said he made a thing of it but never ever mentioned he was angry.

HighDataUsage · 12/05/2016 12:30

I'd run for the hills now, I wouldn't want to be financially tied to someone like him. Your priority now is you and your son. If he's like this now what's he going to be like when it comes to issues like inheritance etc particularly as you already have a child.