Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Sallyingforth · 12/05/2016 12:44

As you are realising OP, he's making sure that there will be no financial commitment so he can more easily drop you when he's fed up or finds a better prospect.

If you are also content with a temporary arrangement while the fun lasts, go along with it. It you are looking for a long-term relationship, I'm afraid this isn't it.

Original poster
purplefox · 12/05/2016 20:58

Pretty sure if I was a golddigger I'd be happy with living rent/mortgage free in someone else's house whilst I kept my salary to myself! Hmm

Him selling then renting with me isn't an option for reasons already stated by previous posters. We can live together before buying in his house, which was the original plan.

He's since told me his salary, his main reason for not wanting to do so when I initially asked was not wanting me to go and look at houses at our max affordability, when he didn't want such a large mortgage that would require me to contribute towards it because he's been "concerned" about how much longer I'm going to want to stay in a job that I hate so much, tbh I didn't realise he was actually so worried about how much I hate it. I'd be on the mortgage but he only wants to use his salary to work out our budget. And yes, budget should have been discussed before he told me to go and look for something.

Yes - the other issue is location - I don't want to move my DC from the school he's in, but he's only 6 so he has 5 years left there so waiting until he moves into secondary school isn't really an option. Right now DCs "commute" to school is a 20 minute walk to a childminder, he's there for about 15 mins then has a 25-30 minute walk to school, and the same in the evening, despite the fact his school is just behind my house. If we moved to my boyfriends house instead of the 20 min walk it would be a 20 min car trip so if anything it would be better for him.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 12/05/2016 21:35

If he's only 6 I don't see a problem with moving him, he's only just started. is there really no decent primary school near your boyfriend's house? If you're planning to ditch your job any way that sounds sensible.

dowhatnow · 12/05/2016 21:47

i would never buy a house with someone I had never lived with first. How do you know if your relationship will survive living together, especially with the step parenting issue.

Move into his house. Keep Ds at the school he is at and do the 20 minute car journey. Review the situation in 6 months/1 years, time.

Cabrinha · 13/05/2016 00:38

He wouldn't tell you his salary as he didn't want you to look at maximum affordability?

Is he usually so patronising? Hmm

TheNaze73 · 13/05/2016 07:46

I don't think he's interested

indigox · 06/07/2017 21:42

I'm the OP, re-reading this over a year later, after he's left because he "wanted to live alone" which turned out to be "I'm sleeping with my assistant", I should have been paying attention to those blatantly huge red flags. No idea why he went down the avenue of pretending to be interested in wanting to buy a house, absurd. Well done MNetters, you were all right! Wink

PickAChew · 06/07/2017 21:44

Don't buy a house with this man.

EnidNextDoor · 06/07/2017 21:45

Sadly, mumsnetters are always right indigo

StiginaGrump · 06/07/2017 21:47

God how depressingly predictable - hope you are ok op!!

LittleLionMansMummy · 06/07/2017 21:55

Well now at least you're not wasting your time with this idiot op and can get on with living your life with someone who deserves you. Or alternatively give relationships a miss for a while! Good luck whatever you do next. I remember this thread. Flowers

HipsterHunter · 06/07/2017 21:57

Thanks for the update!!!!

So sorry it didn't work out and I hope you can move on to Bette rrhinngs. Hugs xx

indigox · 06/07/2017 22:03

Yes I'm fine now, it was a while ago (I found out on Christmas Eve), if anything it taught me being alone is far better than being in a relationship that makes you miserable. Now, whenever I look back it's a huge "what on earth was I doing?!", onwards and upwards!

Groupie123 · 06/07/2017 22:04

You don't actually have to know. Worked in financial advice for a couple of years at the beginning of my career and many people didn't want to disclose their salaries to their partners for various reasons - just saw them in separate meetings, then issued the quotes/agreement in principles seperately with other partner blocked out.

PickAChew · 06/07/2017 22:06

OK, a year late, Indigo Blush

Yeah, caginess is never a good omen Flowers

ParanoidBeryl · 06/07/2017 22:32

indigo I lurked on your thread last year.

Sorry it didn't work out, but on reflection the fact you posted on here asking about it shows that your instincts were telling you something wasn't right. That, and a pile of MNers.

ChandlersNubbin · 06/07/2017 22:37

Bloody hell - I remember this thread like it was yesterday.

Hope you're ok, OP. Life lesson learned the hard way, I think Sad

Giraffey1 · 06/07/2017 22:38

Sorry he turned out to be a loser rather than a keeper! I'm glad you found out before too much time had elapsed - hope you're having fun in your new life!

ChildishGambino · 06/07/2017 22:42

Don't buy a house with him! Huuuuge mistake!

Apocalyptichorsewoman · 06/07/2017 22:43

Oh Bless you! Flowers sounds like it has been tough for you..

It sounds trite - but am relieved on your behalf - it's hard, but onwards and upwards...

Actually, he sounds like a complete wankbadger - Well rid Lass, well rid...

Atenco · 06/07/2017 23:10

Why are you even considering buying with someone you don't live with?

Isn't that the whole point of living together before getting married, to find out how compatible you are? Buying a house with someone is a major deal and not something you can back out of quickly at no loss if you were to find out, for example, that your boyfriend thinks housework is woman's work, for example.

Chickoletta · 06/07/2017 23:12

LTB

twinpeak · 06/07/2017 23:15

I love it when posters come back and update. Smile

indigox · 06/07/2017 23:17

Actually, he sounds like a complete wankbadger

Grin He is, and this thread barely covers it, taking week long "work" trips abroad and never telling me until the day before, or in some cases when he was actually at the airport, despite us having plans, refusing to tell his family about me for 2.5 years, only speaking to me in specific timed windows of the day, the 3 months of ghosting (not even ending the relationship just saying moving in together had to be halted), before only admitting to the cheating when the woman tagged him in photos on Facebook for all to see. The signs were all there.

PickAChew · 07/07/2017 00:43

That is truly shit Wine