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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
LizzieMacQueen · 10/05/2016 22:23

How on EARTH can you have a life with someone and not know what they earn?!

Shit! I have been married 25 years and I couldn't tell you exactly what my husband currently earns......

Brokenbiscuit · 10/05/2016 22:25

Sounds very odd to me. I wouldn't enter into a joint purchase of something as expensive as a house with someone who wouldn't have an open and frank discussion with me about their income and expenditure. Massive red flag...

Oysterbabe · 10/05/2016 22:27

IMO it would be a good idea to live with him for a while before he starts the process of selling. You don't really know someone until you live with them and you might change your mind about the whole thing.

GigiB · 10/05/2016 22:28

We're you both looking at houses or just you?

v sorry to say but it sounds a bit on sided, as you were 'sending him links', asking him about 'his salary', 'budget' etc 'he wasn't interested'.. he might be finding it a bit full on?

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 10/05/2016 22:28

Very odd indeed. Big difference between not knowing what someone earns and your supposed partner getting all arsey when asked!

Dozer · 10/05/2016 22:30

Buying a house is a bigger commitment than marriage.

Doesn't sound like he wants to commit to it, or tell you how minted he is.

DraenorQueen · 10/05/2016 22:33

Shit! I have been married 25 years and I couldn't tell you exactly what my husband currently earns......
That ignorance might work for you, but equally, it could work against you if your relationship were ever to break down.
OP, as most others have said, it doesn't seem as if he's 100% committed to this.

ChaseAvenal · 10/05/2016 22:34

YADNBU. I wouldn't advise looking at houses until you've got an estimate of how much you can borrow (some banks have great calculators) and if you can get an agreement in principle before you put your offer down it can really help.

His reluctance to share his salary is very strange if you're serious enough to be buying together, or moving in together full stop.

Not going to say definitely leave him but I certainly wouldn't be looking at houses until you're sure it's what he wants, and as mentioned before, will share with you important information that determines what you can afford.

Bearbehind · 10/05/2016 22:35

I might be way off the mark here so if I am I apologise but I have a sense of de ja vu- this wouldn't be the teacher who goes off on holiday by himself to places you want to visit would it?

If so, he's yet again telling you he's not commited to this relationship.

Even if it's not the chap I'm thinking of, I don't understand how you can possibly consider buying a house with someone when you don't even have a ball park of what you could buy.

Paddletonio · 10/05/2016 22:36

Sounds very suspicious. Not sure he really does earn 3 x you!

MsVestibule · 10/05/2016 22:36

He really doesn't sound too interested in buying with you. Who suggested it initially? Is he doing anything about looking for houses, or is it mainly coming from you?

It might be a good idea to just not mention moving in with him or buying a house for a while. If he doesn't mention it either, you might have your answer.

Cabrinha · 10/05/2016 22:36

How can you say you don't known what he earns, then say it's nearly 3x yours? Hmm

GarlicShake · 10/05/2016 22:38

DTF! (Ditch the fucker. Or LTB if you prefer.)

He's refusing to share personal information of a most basic & relevant nature. This is not a relationship.

Even if he does tell you after some badgering, it's not good enough. He's made himself plain.

Buy a house with a female friend!

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 10/05/2016 22:38

From what you describe OP I wouldn't contemplate giving up my independence to live with this kind of man, let alone tie myself to him through a property connection.

RomComPhooey · 10/05/2016 22:40

There's no way I'd shack up with someone, let alone buy a house, if I couldn't have a frank, open conversation about our shared finances and income. Don't rush headlong into a relationship/mortgage with this guy.

Dozer · 10/05/2016 22:40

Surely a teacher wouldn't earn 3 X anyone's salary?!

Dozer · 10/05/2016 22:40

Unless perhaps he's one of those executive heads!

GarlicShake · 10/05/2016 22:42

If you pay the Land Registry a couple of quid, you can check the owner of his other house - assuming you know its address. Online form, instant result :)

You can also get a credit check agency to run his profile. Costs about £20 iirc. Don't do it yourself as it's illegal.

PovertyPain · 10/05/2016 22:43

Sounds more like a dick head Dozer

Iflyaway · 10/05/2016 22:43

Shit! I have been married 25 years

Yep. And I have been a single mum for that length of time. All worked out.

Life changes from day to day anyway...

I have been around for over half a century sounds awful! couldn"t think of anything worse than settling down at 25 - 30 with an unpayable mortgage and kids into the mix with an uncommitted man.

Ah, whatever you do, it will work out. Take it from me Grin

Bearbehind · 10/05/2016 22:44

You can also get a credit check agency to run his profile. Costs about £20 iirc. Don't do it yourself as it's illegal.

I hardly think he'll agree to the OP getting a 'warts and all' credit check on his behalf when he wont even disclose his salary Hmm

SavageBeauty73 · 10/05/2016 22:45

Weird. I've always known salaries of my partners. And friends.

DraenorQueen · 10/05/2016 22:45

Surely a teacher wouldn't earn 3 X anyone's salary?!
Some people's salary is £10k, as an example. Many, many teachers earn >£10k

DraenorQueen · 10/05/2016 22:46

Sigh. More than £30k!

Bearbehind · 10/05/2016 22:46

A salary of £45k to £60k as a teacher and OP on £15k to £20k isn't unrealistic.