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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

182 replies

purplefox · 10/05/2016 22:00

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

OP posts:
TooLazyToWriteMyOwnFuckinPiece · 11/05/2016 06:52

Are you expecting him to get a mortgage with him that you can't contribute 50% to? Maybe that is part of the problem.
Obviously if you were married or had dcs then you would pool all resources, but not everyone starting out living together would want to do that, I know i didn't!

AyeAmarok · 11/05/2016 06:53

I think you should assume he's on the same as you and work out 3 times your own salary, times 2.

He obviously doesn't see you as a long term thing, or he has weird issues with money, either way it's best if you are living within your own means and can afford half of the mortgage.

CallieG · 11/05/2016 07:14

Hunni, You are deluding yourself YOU were looking for houses to buy HE was avoiding it, you were not sitting together at a computer searching for the dream home, he was off doing his own thing while you texted him what you wanted. Your BF absolutely does NOT want to buy a house with you, he also does NOT want to cohabit with you, and he definitely does not want you to you to know how much money he earns, & quite frankly, at this point it is None of your business.

He is not the slightest bit interested in settling down to domestic bliss with you, You are hearing wedding bells, He is hearing alarm bells, You ABSOLUTELY CANNOT push a Man into , Saying he loves you, Living with you, sharing personal information with you & definitely not Marriage. He will resent you for it Forever!
SLOW DOWN, he is Not ready to commit to anything other than being your BF.
HE will ask you when (if ever) he wants to move in with you, HE will ask you when he is ready to Buy a House & He will ask you If he is ever ready to marry & quite frankly, unless you have been together for years in a commited relationship & have a family DO NOT enter into a mortgage with anyone, you could be tied to a loser for a very long time.

PirateFairy45 · 11/05/2016 07:21

Thats smells fishy...

Bearbehind · 11/05/2016 07:36

I think toolazy has hit the nail on the head.

If this were the other way round and the man was looking for houses at the top end of a budget based on his salary plus his partners salary, being approx 3 times his own, he'd be called a cocklodger.

The fact that you haven't had a basic conversation about how it will work including things like the deposit, his equity from his current house etc would suggest he's no way near as keen as you but looking it from his point of view, it sounds like you will do much better from this than he will as you'd end up with a property much more expensive than if he earned the same as or less than you.

Buckinbronco · 11/05/2016 07:37

It doesn't sound like he wants to live together and you're pushing it because you want to? I have loads of friends who do this

Blu · 11/05/2016 08:04

Ok, maybe you both need to go back a few steps. You have told him you wouldn't be comfortable in his house, before even trying it. Why is this?

Do you currently have your own mortgage, or renting?

It does sound as if he is interested but that you haven't sorted

Take it step by step:

Blu · 11/05/2016 08:09

Haven't sorted out, together, all your priorities.

Live together: see how you get on.

If good, talk about buying together. Where, what, how much, and on what basis. Would you be tenants in common or joint tennants? (T I c you each own a named share, JT the house belongs to you both equally irrespective of contribution).

At this stage if he is still cagey about money, you know not to go on.

That he isn't open now is a red flag, but it may be that he will talk to you about it if he isn't using it as a speed bump to moving, when you don't already love together.

Lalalelele · 11/05/2016 08:11

What CallieG said.

Your rushing this. Getting a mortgage and house together is as big a commitment as marriage IMO. You both need to be sure you're right for each other before you do this.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 08:11

I wasn't pushing it, buying a house was his idea, I said I would rather stay in the house I'm in rather than move into "his" house, he wants to live together and would move if that was required.

I was looking at properties where a mortgage would be around 20% higher than my rent - which I'd be able to afford on my own so there shouldn't have been any concerns from him about me not contributing. However a -fight- discussion later and he doesn't want me to contribute at all, he wants a smaller mortgage so I'd have the freedom to change careers, something which I've been wanting to do for the last few years but obviously couldn't afford to do, so yes, I'd be the female version of a cocklodger, whatever that is.

OP posts:
Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 08:15

Probably should have added - I dont want to not contribute, I didn't want to live in his house because he owns it and didn't want me to contribute but he seemed to have missed that point when suggesting it would be the same even if we moved.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 08:15

It's passive and unhelpful to decide to just leave it until (if) he brings it up!
FGS be in control of your own life!
Just ask him, and if he says he wants to buy together, then if he won't share his salary details bin him off.
I'm serious.

I really would be reluctant if I were him though, to buy together.

A house is the main asset / investment that many people will ever have. He already has one. If he wants a more expensive one then buying together is a good idea. Doesn't sound like he does though?

In which case, buying a similar property means that OK, he'd pay less each month... but he'd also be investing less. I wouldn't want to just give up a part of my property investment.

My fiancé will move into my house, but he won't buy into it or contribute towards it - he'll keep his own house and let it out, and that income will be his. Our day to day finances will be equal - all in one pot (though not account). But if we split, the house assets will be separate.

If I were him, I wouldn't want you diluting my investment.

Bearbehind · 11/05/2016 08:16

he doesn't want me to contribute at all, he wants a smaller mortgage so I'd have the freedom to change careers

And the house would be all his if/ when he decides the relationship is over Hmm

I wouldn't entertain this set up- don't you value your financial independence?

Why won't you just live in his house to start with?

Cabrinha · 11/05/2016 08:18

Why can't you change career without his financial support?
Can you move into a house share to free up some money?

If you want a career change and earn so much less than him, forget house buying and concentrate on your career development.

I don't understand why you can't move into his house? You haven't explained that, only said that it's "his".

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/05/2016 08:19

CallieG. 1950 has sent a telegram, they'd like you back.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/05/2016 08:24

PurpleFox. He wants to buy another house (that he owns), that you are happy to live in, so you can change careers as you've been wanting to. Currently you rent. Why are you looking at this gift horse in the mouth? He sounds nice - unless he's a controlling bastard in other ways, which I presume he's not or you wouldn't be looking at moving in with him anyway... I don't see what either of you have to lose with this arrangement,

Blu · 11/05/2016 08:25

There are some significant drip feeds there, OP.

How do you feel about the re-train idea? or is this a move by him to make sure the house you are in is not a jointly owned house?

You both sounds quite territorial in some way - not surprising, DP and I were like this.

More talking, more joint planning needed. Explore your different expectations and possibilities.

Mumberjack · 11/05/2016 08:27

Mortgage appointments now ask so many questions in addition to salary (almost to the number of toilet paper squares you use..!) that if your DP is being cagey about salary now then the appt with the bank might finish him off.

It doesn't sound like he's interested in a shared future. Sorry.

FinallyHere · 11/05/2016 08:27

People asking why doesn't the OP just go with what seems like a great offer, to live in someone else's house, be like, well a toy, providing fun but with no independence?

I wonder why anyone would give up their independence to do that...especially having hear the sad tales here on MN when it all goes wrong and they have nowhere to go. Sigh. Breaks my heart.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/05/2016 08:40

Op, have you asked him directly if you will have a joint mortgage or will the house be in his sole name? If he wants you to contribute nothing, this is a very important point.

Also, if he's sent you houses that are in a different area for £50k cheaper then I'd be going back to him and saying 'ok, so I should continue to look at houses in the same price range as the one you sent me?'

I don't understand why people who plan to spend the rest of their life with you (if indeed they do) would be so secretive about money.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 08:43

Yes the house being his if the relationship ended is my issue - its also my issue with moving into his house - he owns it, he pays for it, he doesn't want me to contribute .

Yes I've been wanting to career change for a while, him seemingly planning a way in which I could do it was an unknown until this morning. I have a son so with his childcare, as well as renting a pay cut isn't really viable.

My ex was extremely controlling when it came to finances, he'd transfer my salary to a separate account the minute it arrived then spent it as he saw fit - never on rent /food/bills etc. as if he had all my money I wouldn't be able leave him, so I'm extremely cautious when it comes to sharing finances etc. In my current bfs eyes, hes doing the complete opposite, I'd have all my salary to do what I wanted with even if it does decrease through a career change.

OP posts:
Janeymoo50 · 11/05/2016 08:44

He may have debts that you are unaware of, that he is dealing with. I was on a dmp for 5 years and nobody knew, so I would have been mortified to have to admit I couldn't consider a mortgage (for example) for a few years. Unless you know exactly whats coming out if his account each month it's impossible to say.

Original poster
purplefox · 11/05/2016 08:45

Littlelion - I've asked this a few times - he's happy for it to be a joint mortgage, he just doesn't want there to be "any pressure" for me to need to contribute.

OP posts:
TheCrumpettyTree · 11/05/2016 08:47

So if you break up the house would be his (because it is his). Be very careful. And he's being very secretive. He's either trying to look after himself or he's financially controlling. Be careful you're not going to end up being in a financially abusive relationship. It's a real thing, look it up. Especially if you ever have children.

ABCAlwaysBeCunting · 11/05/2016 08:49

he doesn't want me to contribute at all, he wants a smaller mortgage so I'd have the freedom to change careers

This is a massive red flag to me, even though you've explained his reasons for it. As others have said, it sounds like he wants to be able to bin you off when he's bored with you and not have to worry about buying you out.

There is no way I would entertain living with someone unless I was paying 50/50 (or agreed ratio depending on salary discrepancies).