To expect to know my boyfriends salary when buying a house?

[purplefox]

My boyfriend and I currently don't live together and this evening we were looking at properties to buy together, I was sending him links to various houses, despite asking for an approximate budget I was just getting "its too expensive", "I wont get a mortgage for £x amount", on a huge variation of prices which tbh just looked like he wasn't interested in any and just couldn't be bothered, anyway to stop wasting time I asked him what his salary was in order to get a rough estimation of how much of a mortgage we'd be able to get together. At this point he made a huge issue, apparently it wasn't relevant, I didn't need to know, and basically making out as if I was being a dick for asking something completely off topic. As an aside, he knows my salary.
AIBU?

Oh yes, and the secrecy is another red flag. He either thinks he's protecting himself against a grasping female out for every penny or he's financially abusive.

I wouldn't want to live with a man unless I knew the details of his finances. Openness and a similar attitude to money are important to me. I can't imagine a successful modern relationship without that. His attitude doesn't bode well for the future. He clearly regards his money as his and none of your business. Fine for a casual flat mate not fine for a partner

People asking why doesn't the OP just go with what seems like a great offer, to live in someone else's house, be like, well a toy, providing fun but with no independence

Because it is better at this stage to do this for the short term than becoming financially linked to a man who doesn't even want to disclose his salary

No one has suggested it's a perfect solution but it's far better than him selling up and them buying a house together then realising they don't actually like living together.

Sounds like he wants to financially control you.

I don't think you will even have a secure share in any house that is bought, so I would stop right there.

He is either lying about what he earns and is embarrassed about it, or is/will turn into a controlling arsehole. Tell him you can't buy a house together if you don't know his salary and see what he says then run a mile.

My XH was EA/VA, we had 3 DCs together and I still never knew what he earned! It was a lot though even though he'd quibble if I needed £5 for a box of Tampax. Anyway, divorce brought his secret finances, bank accounts, debts and the like out of hiding although I only took maintenance as I wanted shot of him.

Within weeks of dating DP (now DH) I knew everything about his salary, rent, financial history etc without asking and it was so refreshing. Trust is a huge thing. I would see anything other as a huge red flag.

OP if I were you I'd think long and hard about how your proposed living arrangements will affect your son. Not only would your bf have the whip hand over you, he would also be in control of your son's future too and from what you've written so far he doesn't sound very open or committed.

Yeah. Couldn't possibly be a nice guy who loves his girlfriend, can afford (within reason) to buy a place she's happy to live in and wants to help her change career and sort her life out. You know, help her, make her happy...

OP you are renting now - He's happy for you not to contribute to the mortgage, whilst you change career. What have you got to lose? IF it all goes horrbly wrong, you can rent somewhere else.

what have you got to lose
She's got a child fgs, ignoring potential problems and hoping for the best would be a bit irresponsible.

I don't like the sound of the secrecy. It's a habit that may not improve.

Well, the fact that he's happy for it to be a joint mortgage is at least a good sign. Perhaps he's genuine in his intentions after all. I don't know though and would still be wary if the secrecy. I knew exactly what dh's finances were before we began looking at houses. He owned his house and I knew what equity there was, what his monthly outgoings and incomings were etc and he knew mine. How else are you supposed to plan financially? Personally I think if your intended life partner is secretive at the outset it doesn't bode well for openness in the future. Where is the trust?

I don't know. Maybe back off a bit. Explain that you don't feel comfortable not contributing whilst also leading the hunt for a house. Suggest he does it and you'll provide feedback on his choices. He'll either demonstrate his commitment by leading the charge for a house or it'll fizzle out and you'll know where you stand. Don't search, don't look, don't push but be ready to offer your opinion if he surprises us all and gives you a commitment.

Arrrggghhhh! No, no, no extra what are you thinking giving out advice like that??!! Seriously, think about it......

This is very dodgy. OP think very, very carefully before moving in with this guy, you are being set up for a serious fall later on in your relationship where you could find yourself in an awful position. It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, you will have no claim on the house if you split as you have not been contributing to the mortgage. Of course if you marry it's a different story, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that.

The fact your bf is not willing to share basic info needed for a mortgage is a massive red flag for me.
Is he protecting his investment, is he hiding debt, is he pretending to own his own property and really renting or is he wanting complete control.
My sister was in a fairly long relationship with her bf who had previously been married and divorced and had ended up with the family home but hated living there. He was in a well paid job and they wanted to sell and save for a joint home, to help enable this I rented his home when I returned from uni and he moved in to my mums with my sis. Whilst redecorating I moved some wardrobe units and found lots (and lots) of demands for money and bailiffs letters.
Of course concerned for my sis I gave her the letters. He told her these were debts his EW had built up and she then helped him to pay off thousands before selling his house.
During this time I bought my own home and as I liked to travel I bought a cheaper property than I could afford to leave enough for a comfortable social life. My sis being very competitive with other siblings bought a property at the very top of what they could afford leaving little for them to live on and meaning they both had to work flat to make the repayments.
2 years on their relationship now failing she began receiving letters to say direct debits and bills were not being paid. Turned out he had a serious gambling problem that had been cleverly hidden for years. Guess who got the house and who got nothing.
Be careful what you enter in to, if you want to go ahead base your mortgage on what you could comfortably afford x 2.

Don't buy a house with him. Buying a house together (like marriage) should be because you are both committed to each other as a couple through thick and thin and have decided to merge your lives.

It shouldn't be a ladder to getting a property neither of you could afford alone. That will end in tears (yours).

Shit! I have been married 25 years and I couldn't tell you exactly what my husband currently earns......

The point is not whether or not you know the exact figure. The point is, if you asked would he tell you? Or would he get cross and pretend you were being highly unreasonable to want to know?

OP, in your shoes I would hold off for a bit. It really does not sound like either of you is ready for this right now.

Don't miss the fact that you asking a perfectly reasonable question about his earnings turned into a fight.

That's two things that make me say no to this - that he won't tell you, and that he has a go at you for asking.

It's quite possible to be a higher earner happy to let someone you love live rent free if you can afford it.
It's what I'm doing when my fiancé moves in - I won't charge him anything. That's not the issue here - the issue is that you can't ask for reasonable information without being shouted at.

Why are you with him?
Are your boundaries imperfect because your ex was abusive? One of those situations where he only seems OK because you're comparing off a very low base?

if the mortgage is a joint mortgage you would 100% have claim on the house - its sounds like our set up. we bought a house together with a joint mortgage and the solicitor asked us to sign a doc which detailed who owned what percentage of the house in the event of a split - its a standard form which is legally binding.

I pay for everything in our house, my DP pays for absolutely nothing in the house because I earn 3 or 4 times what he does, we have 2 kids together and aren't married. I don't really know his exact salary nor does he know mine - we don't hide it because all our bank statements are in the same place but we aren't interested - it makes no difference to our relationship to know what each other earns to the penny.

Are your boundaries imperfect because your ex was abusive? One of those situations where he only seems OK because you're comparing off a very low base?

^This. You've already had one financially abusive partner. Are you following a pattern?

You said you already have a child, don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation where you could both end up with nothing. Not being open and honest in a relationship seems really odd to me. Why wouldn't he discuss finances? It shouldn't even be an issue because you should be a partnership.

i know exactly what my dh earns i deal with all the finance i always have known even before we were married-

youve been through this before with an ex who controlled everything dont do it again-just explain you had a bad experience previously and u dont see why he wont disclose it

• PaulDacresMicroPenis Wed 11-May-16 09:12:34 'what have you got to lose' She's got a child fgs, ignoring potential problems and hoping for the best would be a bit irresponsible.*

Yes, she's got a child - your point being? She's not allowed to use a great opportunity to change career? It's not 'ignoring potential problems & hoping for the best'. It's making the most of an opportunity that is being offered to her. IF it all ends badly, she can rent again. She's not buying this with him, she's not putting money into it. She's no worse off.

Arrrggghhhh! No, no, no extra what are you thinking giving out advice like that??!!

I'm 'thinking' it's MY opinion . Disagree all you like, but don't tell me what I can & can't post.

Seriously, think about it......This is very dodgy

Why is it dodgy? He's not asking her to contribute. They're not gettng married. He's entitled not to tell her every little detail of his finances if he doesn't want to. IF she was buying it with him or they were getting married it woukd be different because she'd be legally, financially, tied in with him. Living with him, in a house he owns, she's not.

OP think very, very carefully before moving in with this guy, you are being set up for a serious fall later on in your relationship where you could find yourself in an awful position

Really - what do you see as the 'serious fall' and 'awful position'.

As far as I can see, that would be finding a new place to rent. Hardly the end of the world as we know it.

It sounds like he knows exactly what he is doing, you will have no claim on the house if you split as you have not been contributing to the mortgage. Of course if you marry it's a different story, but I wouldn't hold my breath for that.

She won't be contributing so she won't have any claim on the house - ....and?

ExtraHot The op has stated twice that they will be taking a joint mortgage on any new house they buy, whether she contributes to the payments or not, she won't simply be able to move out and wash her hands of it if things go tits up will she?

If it's a joint mortgage she'll have equal rights on the house, regardless of whether or not she is contributing. Dsis didn't take her ex off the mortgage when they split. Five years later, having moved away and contributed nothing in that time, he was entitled to half the proceeds. She's now a sahm and contributes nothing financially but it's a joint mortgage - this was done at her instigation following three birth of her dd and pre-marriage to ensure she had a safety net.

the birth bloody phone

He's aware of the issues I had with my ex and I made it pretty clear from the start I wasn't going through that again, my tolerance for anything like that is extremely low, I'd never live anywhere on a long term basis where my name wasn't included on the mortgage/tenancy agreement, and i'd be retaining my financial independence. And up until now there weren't really any issues, he was pretty open with the rest of his financial details, I knew his salary was at the very least over £x but I'd had no interest/need to know the specifics up until now. He seems to have taken me saying "I'm retaining financial independence" as "I'm not going to pay for anything and I'm keeping my money to myself whilst I live off yours".

DON'T BUY A HOISE UNTIL YOU HAVE LOVED TOGEHER

Seriously seriously! Just rent something for a year to see how it works out before buying together.