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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
Princecharlesfirstwife · 01/05/2016 07:42

Yes.

Leslieknope45 · 01/05/2016 07:43

Yes.

NameChange30 · 01/05/2016 07:43

YABU

wheresthel1ght · 01/05/2016 07:44

Schools are not allowed to authorise holidays for students, even for weddings, there would be uproar for a teacher to.

I am afraid this is the risk you take planning a wedding in term time when you have teachers in the family.

Neither of you are being unreasonable sorry.

FatimaShitbread · 01/05/2016 07:44

She doesn't stand a chance. Yabu

NapQueen · 01/05/2016 07:45

Yabu. My dh is a TA so not even a teacher and he was only allowed a days unpaid leave because he was the groom. A teacher and not her own wedding? No go Im afraid.

Youve 13 weeks of the year that shes available. Or this country. Or she cant come.

Lilaclily · 01/05/2016 07:45

I'm sorry but I think you are
She might be anxious at work , worried about putting herself in a tricky position , also for a teacher doing a long week at work dashing off for the weekend isn't very enjoyable
They usually do seventy hour weeks don't they plus marking at the weekend ? When will she fit everything in
I think as you've decided to have it abroad you have to accept some people important to you wont be able to come

Joinourclub · 01/05/2016 07:45

YABU

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 01/05/2016 07:46

There are something like 13 weeks of s holl holidays every year, so quite rightly head teachers are unwilling to grant annual leave during term time. Your sister knows this, hence won't Barrasford herself by asking when she knows it will be a no.

Perhaps you'll just have to choose another bridesmaid. I wouldn't expect my sister to inconvenience herself for my wedding, but then I hate weddings so my view may be very different to everyone else's!

whatamess0815 · 01/05/2016 07:47

you decided to get married abroad. I bet you DS isn't the only one who will give it a miss but if people need to get on a plane and take annual leave to attend then this is something to be expected. YABVU to sulk over this.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 01/05/2016 07:47

Barrasford? embarrass obviously! and a school! BLOODY PHONE!! 😠

chelsbells · 01/05/2016 07:48

Could she not fly out Friday after school? Get an evening flight if it's only shout haul?
YABU to expect her to be able to get the time off, practically impossible for teachers

AlwaysDancing1234 · 01/05/2016 07:50

I'm sorry but I think YABU
Schools do not allow pupils or teachers to take time off in term time.
My DH is a teacher and only time off in term time had been to attend funerals (unpaid leave as well).
If your DS really wants to go to the wedding she'd have to fly home on the Sunday. That's the risk you run when you plan a wedding abroad, not everyone is going to be able to go I'm afraid. Maybe it's a cost issue as well.

katienana · 01/05/2016 07:51

I don't see why she can't at least ask the question to avoid bad feeling with her sister. What's the worst that can happen, head says no and that's it.

Catmuffin · 01/05/2016 07:52

Unfortunately you are choosing for her not to be able to come by not booking it in the thirteen weeks she'd be available or in this country at the weekend.

cansu · 01/05/2016 07:52

It depends really. Some schools are more accommodating than others. Whilst they may not allow her to take it as paid, many of my colleagues would have taken the day as unpaid leave. Can she afford to do this? If not you could offer to help by paying her flights if she takes a day off unpaid. It really depends how close you are. If she really wanted to come, she would ask for a days unpaid leave. However maybe she can't afford it.

LindyHemming · 01/05/2016 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smartiepants79 · 01/05/2016 07:52

Others are right. If you have a teacher as an important member of your wedding party then you don't book it during term time and abroad. A wedding at home would have been doable and I suppose in theory she could still come out later on the Friday.
If it was me I would go and ask my head and I think they would allow it as unpaid leave. But my head is very sympathetic and we are a close knit team. I suspect most schools would simply say no and as I said she would at the very least lose a days pay.
When you have your wedding is a choice. I suspect your sister is upset and probably pissed off that you have chosen a time when it is almost impossible for her to come. It may look ( to her )like you don't care all that much is she's there or not.

LindyHemming · 01/05/2016 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaurieFairyCake · 01/05/2016 07:55

If it's possible for her to fly out Friday night or Saturday morning hopefully she will do so

No school is going to give her the time off

EmpressofBlandings · 01/05/2016 07:58

So you think the head should have to arrange supply cover and pay for it out of the school's budget of public money? Grow up.

NannawifeofBaldr · 01/05/2016 08:00

If her attendance is so important to you (which I understand) then U can't understand why you would book a foreign wedding outside school holidays.

Everyone knows teachers can't get time off for that kind of thing.

And some Heads are very difficult about anyone asking - she knows her own boss.

Junosmum · 01/05/2016 08:00

My husband got a day off for a wedding, he was best man. But a friend of his was refused the same request at his school. Very dependent on the school.

Your sister knows her school, and knows she won't be granted it. Asking will give the head a negative view of her.

YABU - you know your sisters job, you know the limitations.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2016 08:03

YABU. Sorry.

It was your choice to marry abroad, and you need to accept that not everybody can or will fly to another country for a wedding- especially in term-time.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 08:05

when we were still discussing dates she had said she thought one day would be manageable if we couldn't get the original dates we wanted, but that she hoped we could because she wanted to spend a week there like everyone else. Summer hold are out; I work for a company in the agricultural industry and can't take holiday between mid July-30th September because harvest is our busiest time. Destination is actually DPs home country.

OP posts: