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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
DailyMailDick · 01/05/2016 09:11

Is there a rush? Why don't you just delay it to a date that suits everyone? You say you can't get the venue you want for the date you want so you are changing the date. Why can't you change the venue?

It must look like you aren't bothered if your sister attends.

YABU obviously

WeAllHaveWings · 01/05/2016 09:18

Your choice to get married abroad, you either make the dates when the most important people in you life can attend or accept graciously they might not be there.

Expecting someone to spend a fortune to fly out Friday, wedding on Saturday, then home on Sunday with no chance of leisure time at the destination is pretty unreasonable too.

Would you consider a small wedding/meal after abroad and a large reception at home or vice versa and allow those who can't travel, including your sister, to attend just one.

Or alternatively what about an October half term or winter wedding?

NameChange30 · 01/05/2016 09:20

Hmmm. If she intended to ask for the day off for a mini break and is now refusing to ask for the day off to attend your wedding, that's not cool. Maybe she would have declined the mini break without asking for the day off, but wanted to be invited anyway to be reassured that her friends would have liked her to be there.

Are schools a bit more relaxed about teachers taking days off on inset/training days rather than teaching days? Or is it actually more important teachers attend those?

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 09:21

If you had said in your first post that your DP is from overseas and his mother can't travel you wouldn't have had such negative feedback. DailyMail has raised a vaid point. Why can't you change the venue instead? IMO unless the venue is terrible it is more important to have your loved ones with you at a marriage ceremony than a beautiful venue with hardly anyone there.

Your DP isn't from Maui is he? (Sorry, I couldn't resist that one Grin)

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 09:22

**Would you consider a small wedding/meal after abroad and a large reception at home or vice versa and allow those who can't travel, including your sister, to attend just one.

We are having a big party when we get back for those who can't attend

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/05/2016 09:22

You're hypocritical to be mindful of your own work limitations and dismissive of hers. Grow up.

reup · 01/05/2016 09:22

Im a teacher and I know many many teachers who have had days off for close family weddings. Some paid, some unpaid. In fact my dh has just been approved for one . So you are definitely not being unreasonable - your sister is. A friend recently got 3 days off unpaid for a holiday. (Her family had different half terms to her )

Snowberry86 · 01/05/2016 09:24

She should at least ask.

I am a teacher and in the 3 schools I have worked the head was a human being and would have granted one day unpaid leave for this type of thing.

I had a days unpaid leave to go to my sisters graduation which is less important than a wedding!

She should ask, and be willing to take it unpaid. It may be granted.

Lookingagain · 01/05/2016 09:24

YABU Teachers can't have days off during term time. at. all.
You are costing her a lot of money and making it impossible for her to fully participate.

Why not prioritise people, family and relationships? Have your wedding in the local church/hotel/etc. And make sure that everyone is there.

Getting married abroad makes it harder and more expensive for your guests. Sometimes this is the point in order to dissuade too many guests from coming and to keep the numbers small without having to obviously overlook anyone.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/05/2016 09:25

You still haven't said why she can't come out on Friday afternoon.

Hulababy · 01/05/2016 09:28

Lookingagain - yes they can. But it depends on the circumstances and, more importantly, on how approachable and flexible the HT (and the governing body) is. I have worked at 2 secondaries and 2 primaries as teacher and HLTA - all have had flexible HTs.

Which country is it OP? How frequent are the flights? Is it possible to do a Friday pm flight?

mandi73 · 01/05/2016 09:29

No you're not unreasonable at all, she could at least ask, if it's a no then that's that.
It's your wedding so you get to decide the place and date as long as you understand and accept that there are family and friends who just won't be able to be there.

OopsThereItIs · 01/05/2016 09:30

Sorry but another YABU.

It's a shame she feels unable to even ask, but regardless of term time leave rules in general, halfway through the second D half of summer term is just the worst possible time to have off in a school.

I work in school administration and mid June to the end of term is just horrifically busy & stressful for the office staff so God only knows what it must be like for the teachers.

CodyKing · 01/05/2016 09:30

I think you are all missing the bit where everyone else is thee all week - and she's being bumped back home!

kaitlinktm · 01/05/2016 09:31

A few years ago I didn't go to my brother's wedding because he arranged it for a Friday in term time. No I didn't go to my headteacher and ask because I knew other people had done this and not only had they got short shrift, but the HT had then grumbled about it to other senior staff. The very fact that they even asked reflected badly on them.

My brother was put out, but I reckoned that if he really had wanted me to be there he would have had his wedding during a school holiday or at least at the weekend.

Your sister might have changed her mind about asking because of newer circumstances in school - she knows her HT better than you do after all.

reup · 01/05/2016 09:31

Ironically my kids can't take a day off for a wedding but my my teacher dh can. said that to the humourless HT of my kids school and she looked even more sour faced.

CodyKing · 01/05/2016 09:31

A bit like - Hey we're having a weeks family holiday - in term time - come for the weekend!!

voxnihili · 01/05/2016 09:33

In my school it would be authorised - I believe you are technically allowed a day off for the wedding of someone close but not your own since you have no control over what date someone else might pick.

However, I would not ask. We are going through a lot of changes at the moment and consequently I would not do anything that might make me look as though I'm not 100% committed to my job. Your sister may well be in a similar situation.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/05/2016 09:33

That's not the family's fault. It's her job's. Yes I know it sucks to have a job that means you can't just take time off when you want but thems the breaks.

Piemernator · 01/05/2016 09:35

You surely understand how leave cannot be taken as you yourself have to book your leave under strict rules.

I changed jobs when my DS went to school as I was forbidden to take leave in August and September.

Arkwright · 01/05/2016 09:39

Of course YABU if you want her there you will have to change the date.

Lookingagain · 01/05/2016 09:40

Ultimately, you are prioritising the venue over your sister.

It's your big day, and you have every right to choose what you really want. But you can't get away from the fact that the location was important to you than who was with you. Some families are not that close and so maybe this isn't that big a deal.

Catmuffin · 01/05/2016 09:41

You mention that next Easter isn't a possibility as she is going to Mexico, but if you would have considered next Easter would you consider next June half term?

StillRabbit · 01/05/2016 09:46

. She could be off sick and they would have to cope. It isn't like anything that important will happen in a single day

But schools generally have insurance that pays out for supply staff in the case of SICKNESS.

I work in a school I couldn't go to by BILs wedding as it was a Friday in term time, and I didn't even ask for my children as DD had a GCSE exam that day and I knew DS wouldn't be allowed as his school had a VERY strict policy of not granting absences. As it turned out BIL had to pay a big fine for pulling three of his children out if school because they had already missed three weeks in that school year for holidays

YABU because even IF the head and chair of governors would allow the time it would look bad on her record and may effect future prospects.

PonderingProsecco · 01/05/2016 09:46

YANBU.
She could ask.
A few months notice.
Perhaps just an afternoon off? [not read whole thread....].
Not SATs week.