To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

[ilovesooty]

The people who are suggesting that are being ridiculous.

And as for "substitute teachers are there for a reason" - words fail me.

[Karlakitten1]

No I know . Just a bit selfish though to think it's ok! X

[TimeOfGlass]

To be fair, I don't think the OP has so much as mentioned suggesting that her sister pulls a sickie. I think it's been other posters suggesting that.

[Karlakitten1]

Not worth the risk...whole career over a wedding that could have beeen arranged at a different time. Very selfish of someone to expect you to pull a sickie..

[nonline]

My OH is a teacher and having a (genuine) sick day is almost more trouble than it's worth as work still needs preparing.
He once got a day off for a wedding when teaching sixth form (as students could do set work elsewhere) but would unlikely even ask now at primary.

Plus, we rarely do weekend things outside holidays as he still has work to do. Even in my (non-teaching) job, I'd be frustrated if my sister got married abroad and I had to go out on Friday and come back Sunday; would rather have longer abroad and make a holiday out of it, or at least get some down time at home afterwards rather than straight back to work.

OP YANBU to hope your sister would ask, but YABU to put her in such a situation to start with.

[TimeOfGlass]

Let's not forget that the sister is friends with the head teacher.

That's got to increase the chances of getting caught out if she pulls a sickie to go abroad in time to make the OPs wedding.

[Karlakitten1]

I still can't believe people think it's ok to call in sick! I bet if your kid was in that class you would be annoyed if they had some crap supply teacher who didn't give a monkeys! As I said before, it's not ok for the kids to have days off so it's definitely not ok for staff to. There are plenty of holidays, which the OP knew about! If having her there is so important, book it for one of the holidays she does have! If the sister gets found out that is the end of her job or certainly a bad name for herself!

[schnarf]

What is the real issue here? Is it that she can't have time off or, that she's too busy to skip friday and the weekend? If it's just a matter of being allowed friday off, what's to stop her pulling a sickie? Nobody's mentioned this? Don't teachers go on sick leave? Substitute teachers are there for a reason. Of course, if she's told coworkers about your wedding, a sickie may seem a little suspicious and it'll probably come back to bite her.

[Originalfoogirl]

The wedding is being arranged by a wedding planner. We told him our preferred venue and dates (all during half term) and he came back to us with the dates that are actually available

What does a wedding planner have to do with it? You still choose which date to book.

don't know how many times I've repeated that if she genuinely couldn't come we would look for an alternative.

And she's said she genuinely couldn't come.

[ilovesooty]

What Gnome said in response to that suggestion, I mean.

[ilovesooty]

If your sister is worried about not being granted the day off, she should just "call in sick"

What Gnome said.

[Emmaroos]

I think YABU to second-guess her when she says she doesn't want to ask. It's her career, and that trumps a wedding, even her sister's.
However, if I were her and you confirmed this was the date and venue (at the moment it's a bit like a phoney war) I would find a way of getting there after work. I once got a 6 hour train followed by a 3.5 hour ferry to my friend's wedding when I was too pregnant to fly. My husband has a different type of inflexible job and cannot leave work before 5.30 on a Friday so we frequently arrive to overseas weddings in the middle of the night in a rental car, or just as the ceremony is starting on the Saturday, and sometimes, for events further afield, he just has to say he can't make it. If that's how things play out with your sister you need to not take it personally. I assume any guests with children in school in the UK will be in the same predicament as your sister too?
One fly in the ointment though: budget airlines are unlikely to have scheduled their flights this far ahead for summer '17 and can be fickle when their contracts with regional airports end....you may find that the flights available this year are not the same next year, or that they take bookings and then change the schedules. Also there is usually a baggage handlers strike going on somewhere in Europe at any given time (happened to my cousin and about a quarter of his guests didn't make it to Puglia when a flight was cancelled). Before you pay a deposit I would think long and hard about any venue that relies on a single flight between two smaller regional airports with no alternatives in the event this flight is cancelled or the schedule changes.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

YABU

Teachers can not get time off easily in school term

Even asking looks bad

You have a choice - venue v sister coming

Totally understand needs to be Italy for DF mum but can't it be at a different venue

Tho also if I were sister I would look at flights to gatwick from Newcastle and then fly to Italy from there if venue and date had been booked but as they haven't op if I were you I would change to a diff date /venue so sister can come

[BoneyBackJefferson]

So a slightly different tack on this.

If your workplace only allowed two people to take a day off at a time, and the OP's sister new this, and two people had booked the day off, would there be any point in asking for the day off?

And would the sister's knowledge of this be called in to question?

[Karlakitten1]

Definitely not being 'holier than thou' at all, more about knowing that it is not the done thing, or even something that is usually given the go ahead. I'm sure the sister wants to go, but knows there's not much chance. Doesn't look good to parents if you let teachers have a day off for it, when you won't let the children!

[GnomeDePlume]

If your sister is worried about not being granted the day off, she should just "call in sick" err.... no. Unprofessional behaviour. Could lead to disciplinary action.

I dont understand why the OP is so determined that her sister should ask given that her sister has already said there is no point. Surely the person who will know how such a request will be received is the sister?

[Karlakitten1]

Yes, you are. Some people don't want to spend their hard earned cash going somewhere they probably wouldn't choose as a holiday...not everyone can afford a holiday and a wedding abroad. Plus, as a teacher they won't let her have the day off. My sister in law decided on a wedding at home so we could all be there, as myself and OH are both teachers. If you want her there, have it at home and go on a really nice honeymoon instead.

[californialadybug]

I don't think YABU. If your sister is worried about not being granted the day off, she should just "call in sick". I had a Principal who would not let me leave campus when my son made a suicide attempt at his school. She had also previously not allowed a teacher to leave early on a Friday for her own wedding. I think many of the people commenting are not reading the part about the wedding being in your DPs country. Best wishes and good luck from this side of the Pond.

[TiredyMcTired]

Mw63 - I take your point, however teaching is different from the professions you mention due to the fact that they have their annual leave pre planned into their year and contracts of employment usually state that other reasons for absence during term time would be unpaid (or paid under certain circumstances). It is usually a very difficult decision for a Headteacher and the governing body to grant leave for a teacher to go to a wedding or on holiday unless there were some circumstances that made the situation exceptional.
I have a son who has complex SEN and an EHCP, I certainly wouldn't be happy with the level of staff turnover & change you describe and so I do hope that my comments can support the points you want to make with your child's school.

[CoolforKittyCats]

I have screenshot your comment for my DS forthcoming ASP review

With respect I can't see how a screen shot of an anonymous post on an anonymous forum is going to help...

[Smartiepants79]

mw63 do you realise your contradicting yourself? On the one hand you're angry because your son isn't getting the continuity he requires because of members of staff having time away from school during term time. But on the other you're having a go at the sister for not wanting to take time off away from her class during tern time??...

[Headofthehive55]

mw63 not all nurses can get bank staff to cover. I am in a small team, extended role, so you just can't get a bank person to cover. ( they are unlikely to have the skills). We cover between ourselves. I can't just take time off. Even planned. It all has to be worked out.

[mw63]

Hmm, I wonder how my sons teacher managed to get her hol to Greece then?
Her sister was prepared to ask for a day off for a jaunt to Amsterdam with her mates.
I bet if the OP went ahead and booked her sister would soon find a way of being there.
OP have you discussed any of this with any family, what are their opinions?
Sorry I don't think OP should have to alter her special day to accommodate a sister that won't even ask.

[JulesJules]

No Boney I can't. I can't see why she can't ask if there's a chance of getting it. If HT says no, then she doesn't put in a formal request for the day off and then she decides whether or not to go just for the weekend. (Doable) She previously said that she would ask. She also would have asked for a day off to go on a minibreak with friends.

[MissBattleaxe]

I don't think teaching IS like any other job. They get 13 or 14 weeks a year off and don't get to ask for extra days for other stuff such as weddings. It is a kind of unspoken rule that their annual leave is the 13 weeks and they are expected to fit the dentists/holidays/family stuff into the three months they have off work. They can't just ask for extra days in the same way someone office based with say, 20 odd days annual leave who can choose when to take it.

There may be work place politics that prevents the sister from even asking right now.