To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

[CreativeBee]

I'm sorry but YABU. As a teacher, I know how difficult it is to take time off for illness let alone a celebration of any kind. I think you need to understand that your sister is not trying to be awkward she is just considering the repercussions of even asking.

[alwaysalaughtobehad]

I know it's hard to understand in the excitement of a wedding and I do feel for you but I'm afraid YABU. As a teacher I had to ask a lovely Head for time off twice - once for a close friend who was getting married on a Friday and once for 2 days to fly to Africa for my cousin's wedding. It was awkward both times but helped by the fact it was a v large school and I was a specialist teacher so no class responsibility. But my classes had to be covered by colleagues so I felt bad, and neither bride acknowledged the difficulty of my situation.
It's really difficult to ask a Head for this as both parties will feel uncomfortable. Also it sets a precedent as other colleagues will then be thinking' Oh why can't I ask for X?'. As for the parents at the school gate ...!! They will not in a million years understand why they can't have time off and your sister can!! Plus the cost of a supply teacher etc
Sorry this has probably been said up-thread and haven't had time to read. Hope you find a solution

[squiggleirl]

I don't know if the OP or her sister is being unreasonable.

What I do find myself thinking though, is how fucked up is the education system in some parts of the world that important family events, either for students or for teachers, are associated with so much hassle in relation to taking minimal time off?

Teachers and pupils should be able to attend family weddings. The idea that even suggesting you might want to take time off to attend a family wedding would have an impact on your future career is ludicrous.

I just don't understand an education system that doesn't value the importance of family, and the importance of emotional education, as well as academic. Education is important, but so is family.

[Primaryteach87]

Yabu- none of my headteacher would have approved even a day off let alone enough time to travel abroad, and even asking would have had me given a very stern lecture, with career progression & training opportunities limited as it would have been taken to mean I wasn't serious about my job. I know this as that was the response a colleague got and was reduced to tears!

[funkyfriesian]

YABU.My husband is a teacher and could not afford to take a day off unpaid, if it was even an option.

[Grapejuiceforgrownups]

Sorry I think YABU! Find a flight that goes to your destination in the evening and back Sunday?

[Michellelovesizzy]

I really feel for you I would be gutted if my sister had to miss my wedding! I no it's hard but I think it is very hard 4 teachers to ask 4 extra holiday! I don't think your sister would do this on less she had 2 don't be to hard on her!

[NicknameUsed]

I suggest that you read the thread Grape Friday evening flights and Sunday returns aren't that easy to find for the OP's sister.

If it was as easy as that don't you think she would have done so?

[UptownFunk00]

I don't think you are.

You are getting married in DPs home country not just a jolly in the Bahamas. It's just one day - especially if she's in primary.

[LIZS]

I think you are giving off mixed messages - could she ask and fit in with your plans but then only go for a day or two at best , or if not you'd try to rearrange the date to suit her but at inconvenience to yourself. I suspect she feels in a no-win situation as you'll resent her either way.

[TiredyMcTired]

I do think you are being unreasonable, unfortunately.
I'm a school governor, and part of the role is that we have to look at requests for time off from school staff. At best, under very exceptional circumstances, a teacher might get a days unpaid leave to attend a family members wedding. In individual schools it will also depend on the head and the board of governors as to how strictly they apply the policy.
In a school, it's not just a day off like any other job, the absent teacher had to be covered via hire of a supply teacher - also you can't underestimate the impact on a class of their teacher being absent, yes even for one day...

[ilovesooty]

I'm a teacher myself
I'd possibly fake a sickie

Really?

[Everylittlething87]

Thank you Alley All the best x

[JulesJules]

So many people don't seem to have RTFT.
I think you are getting an unfair kicking on here, OP

I don't see why the sister will not even ask the HT, who she is v friendly with, having previously said that she would; especially as she was previously prepared to ask for a day off for a minibreak with friends.

If she can't have the day off, fair enough, but why could she not fly Newcastle to London (45 mins flight) to get a different flight on Friday night or Saturday morning?

Yes. that makes it a busy week, but no more so for her than for anyone else who works Mon-Fri. It's not just teachers.

[emu81]

I really do sympathise with you, I bent over backwards to accommodate others at both my hen night and wedding day. Organising weddings are stressful enough without having the guilt that you may be annoying/making life difficult for someone. It is all too easy to lose focus on what this day is all about, you and your husband-to-be. If getting a day off is impossible, which quite possibly it is, why could your sister not fly after work? I don't think it would be unreasonable to expect that. My DH is going to a friends overseas wedding on the Friday after work (finishes work in Essex at 5 then public transport to the airport) then driving to the hotel for a late check in at the hotel near the wedding venue and returning Sunday. Personally I think this is fine it is one weekend of running around like mad to give people you care about a lovely memory to treasure forever and not causing anymore stress than they already have. Hope this gets resolved. Xx

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oo do you know what I'd do? If I were your sister OP, I'd try to get a sleeper train from Paris to Naples - what a fab adventure!

[YorkieDorkie]

The OP was asking if it was unreasonable to expect that she could at least ask.

Yes, she could at least ask. The HT can only say no.

[NicknameUsed]

"I'd try to get a sleeper train from Paris to Naples - what a fab adventure!"

I might do that for a week's or fortnight's holiday, but not for a one night stay in Naples. I just don't sleep on trains.

[2rebecca]

It seems a tremendous fangle for a weekend away to me.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

JulesJules
"I don't see why the sister will not even ask the HT, who she is v friendly with, having previously said that she would"

You can't see why the OP's sister would put her friend, who is a senior member of staff, in a difficult position, not only in their friendship but with other members of staff?

[mw63]

Tiredy
In a school, it's not just like a day off in any other job, the absent teacher had to be covered via hire of a supply teacher - also you cannot underestimate the impact on a class of their teacher being absent, yes even for one day...

Sorry tiredy but it is like any other job, teachers have the same employment rights as others. Do you think dr's don't use locums, nurses use pool staff etc, most staff absences have to have alternative cover. It is a legal requirement for pupils to attend school not teachers.
With respect to not underestimating the impact on children, I certainly can and thank you. I have screenshot your comment for my DS forthcoming ASP review. My DS is not meant to be left with any teacher he does not know, and despite it being in his ASP, draft EHCP and OPP it is happening on a weekly basis with no communication with myself. Your comment may go towards supporting my claim that his new school are not able to meet his needs.
Previous school had highest rate of supply staff in area. HT, Senco (Yr2 teacher + 2 other Yr2 teachers spent 2 wks in Nepal looking at classrooms there while Yr2 taught by supply, double standards.

[MissBattleaxe]

I don't think teaching IS like any other job. They get 13 or 14 weeks a year off and don't get to ask for extra days for other stuff such as weddings. It is a kind of unspoken rule that their annual leave is the 13 weeks and they are expected to fit the dentists/holidays/family stuff into the three months they have off work. They can't just ask for extra days in the same way someone office based with say, 20 odd days annual leave who can choose when to take it.

There may be work place politics that prevents the sister from even asking right now.

[JulesJules]

No Boney I can't. I can't see why she can't ask if there's a chance of getting it. If HT says no, then she doesn't put in a formal request for the day off and then she decides whether or not to go just for the weekend. (Doable) She previously said that she would ask. She also would have asked for a day off to go on a minibreak with friends.

[mw63]

Hmm, I wonder how my sons teacher managed to get her hol to Greece then?
Her sister was prepared to ask for a day off for a jaunt to Amsterdam with her mates.
I bet if the OP went ahead and booked her sister would soon find a way of being there.
OP have you discussed any of this with any family, what are their opinions?
Sorry I don't think OP should have to alter her special day to accommodate a sister that won't even ask.

[Headofthehive55]

mw63 not all nurses can get bank staff to cover. I am in a small team, extended role, so you just can't get a bank person to cover. ( they are unlikely to have the skills). We cover between ourselves. I can't just take time off. Even planned. It all has to be worked out.