To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

[miraclebabyplease]

There are some heads I wouldn't dream of asking as it wouldn't get approved and it would be held against me. My current boss I would ask but not expect him to say yes but he is more sympathetic to these situations.

There is a lot of stress in education currently so I don't blame her for not wanting to ask.

[YoureAllABunchOfBastards]

It is entirely at the school's discretion, so she is not BU for not wanting to ask. Other people may have been knocked back for the same request so she knows it will be looked down on.

And as a PP has said, if you want her to be bridesmaid so much, you have a lot of holiday time you could have chosen from.

[Bringiton2016]

YABU. You wouldn't have booked it abroad and in term time if you actually wanted her to be there. Madness. I'd be hurt if I was her.

[SlinkyVagabond]

IT really does depend on the school. Our teachers (and support staff) are granted leave in similar situations, the school in neighbouring village won't even grant it for brides and grooms.
But you know her job, you chose to get wed abroad, so YABU.

[LagunaBubbles]

Yabu. You don't need to get married abroad. It's your choice. What comes with that is accepting people might not be able to make it for whatever reason. You don't sound as bad as some of the people I've seen in these type of threads, where I've always said it wouldn't be much of a "dream" wedding if someone I really wanted there couldn't be because of where it was.

[1angrydwarf]

YABU I'm afraid. People just don't seem to understand that the flip side of teachers getting 'all those holidays' is that they don't get ANY flexibility. And your choice to get married abroad may mean losing guests, even important ones. Is it your fiancé's home country? Otherwise you have just chosen this and need to accept the consequences. I bet she's pretty angry and upset too, I'd be gutted if my sister did this, knowing how hard it would make it for me to attend.

Like others have said an understanding HT might authorise it as a one off unpaid leave because you are immediate family. But your sister will know her own HT and how requests for exceptional leave have been handled before. Unless you and your sister have a difficult relationship and you think this is an excuse then the fact she doesn't even want to ask would indicate she knows it won't be approved and she may look bad even asking.

Are there friday night/Sunday flight options you could offer to buy her? Is it just her or partner/kids?

[MardleBum]

For goodness sake of course YABU and unrealistic. If you can't see why then you think like a spoilt child. If you want a wedding where people have to travel abroad and you want certain people to definitely be there then you need to consult them and work with them on what will and will not be possible before booking it.

[ParanoidGynodroid]

YABU.

I was a teacher, and asking my head for a day off would have made me feel very uncomfortable, and my head severely dischuffed.
Being told "no" is NOT the worst that can happen: her apparent commitment and professionalism will be undermined, and she may be looking for promotion in the future and not wishing to look flaky.
Just asking can sometimes look bad.

[switswoo81]

Wow can't believe your sister can't get a day off.im teaching and we are entitled to a day for a family member and more if wedding is abroad .( in Ireland ).
But YAbu if that is the situation for her.

[Inertia]

If you want a teacher to come to your wedding, don't get married abroad in term time. I missed my brother's wedding for that reason.

[CodyKing]

So your sister wanted to tie in your wedding with a weeks break - but now you're insisting it's a short weekend? While everyone else stays on for the week?

I'd be miffed as well

YABU to expect her to pay for flights and not get an annual weeks holiday out of it - it really ramps up the cost -

She'll return Sunday to be shattered for the week

Either accept she's not going - and apologise for disappointing her or change the dates/venue

[1angrydwarf]

Well given that (fairly major drip feed) it is your partner's home country and you have a very specific job meaning you can't take most teacher's hols I revise my opinion to say YANBU to book abroad or when you yourself can take leave but YABU to be angry or upset at your sister.

[IceMaiden73]

I agree with the others YABU school will not give her the time off

[EustachianTube]

Can she fly Friday night?
Failing that can you move it to October half term?

[Lightbulbon]

What not Easter or October?

[jay55]

So you can't take time off at certain times of the year but you expect your sister to?
Yabu and ought to be more understanding.

[Lilaclily]

If you've got the sort of job whee you can't get the whole summer off you'd think you'd be more understanding of her

[curren]

Seriously? You can't take time off at certain times of year for your own wedding.

But expect her to be able to, for a wedding that isn't hers?

It may not be just the day off. It may be the money. She also may not want to spend money on flights and two nights in a hotel. She may not want to be rushing all weekend then going back to work on Monday.

You chose to get married abroad in term time. That's entirely your choice. But you should accept, that in doing so, some people can't come to your wedding.

[ilovesooty]

You're excluding her through the choices you're making.

[JurgenKlopp]

I think she should at least ask. She'd probably be allowed to go at my school, unpaid of course. My Headteacher recognises that people have lives outside of work and occasionally something important happens to a member of staff on a school day. This kind of give and take approach is really appreciated by staff.

[Narp]

I don't understand

Can't she get there for the ceremony on the Saturday? Could she fly Friday evening/Sat morning?

Or do you want her to be there longer?

[2rebecca]

You decided getting the venue you wanted was more important than making things convenient for the people you wanted.
If you want people to attend you have an easy and cheap to get to venue on a weekend.

[rubberducker]

Is everyone missing where OP says her sister originally said a day would be okay? I assume her sister said that knowing her school/HT's approach to term time absence so must have thought it was a possibility at one stage.

Also can't see why, if she really doesn't want to ask for the day, she can't fly after school Friday or early sat rather than demand OP changes all her wedding plans to suit her. Sounds to me like she's just throwing her toys out the pram because she wanted to make a week's holiday out of it, but it's not the OP's fault that she couldn't
book for half term and is unable to take leave herself in the summer.

[Notso]

If you won't book time off work in July to September which is your equivalent to term time why should you expect your sister to?

If you really want her there I would change venue for half term or postpone for another school holiday.