To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

[Silvercatowner]

I wouldn't sanction an absence in my school for a wedding - indeed I am under pressure to fine the parents of children who have absence for reasons such as this. What sort of example would that set?

[Narp]

I don't think there's any need for conflict here.

I don't read it as anyone demanding anything of anyone. A conversation could sort it out

My guess would be that circumstances g=have changed at school such that she's scared to ask. There have been times in my school when it would have been unwise to even ask.

[GnomeDePlume]

Maybe at one stage she thought it was possible but now thinks as PP have suggested that even asking will be held against her.

Things change

YABU OP, it is your wedding not your DSis', so while you may want to move heaven and earth to get the perfect wedding you cant expect other people to have the same level of motivation. Just as you wont have the same motivation for someone else's wedding.

[hels71]

I work in two schools. In one the head would do.his best to make it possible for you to go. In the other you would be refused before you had even asked.

[BikeRunSki]

Second thread in a few days by the relative of a teacher moaning and misunderstanding about teachers taking time off in term time. Just don't assume it can be done, teaching is not a job where you can choose your leave.

DB is a teacher and needed to go to a funeral last summer. He had to feign food poisoning and drive the best part of 1000 miles in a day to do so. Despite having taught at the same school for 25 years, he knew he wouldn't be granted a day off.

[Blu]

Can the wedding be the second half of the afternoon so she can travel
Late Fri night or dawn Saturday?

She knows her work situation (as you do yours!!) so YABU.

What would you do if she did ask, and the answer is 'no'? If you would adjust the time / date / place well, just do that anyway. If your answer would be 'nothing: I would just accept she can't come' then accept that now: the wedding is not compatible with her work.

[StealthPolarBear]

Haven't we had this thread from her perspective?
Is her oh invited?

[NameChange30]

Choose a different venue so you can stick to May/June half term, or see if the venue has any availability during the Easter holidays instead.

Or just get married in the country you're living in, as it would be so much easier to organise and have a smaller celebration in your DP's country for any family and friends that can't make it.

[drspouse]

My teacher friend's brother got married in his DW's home country in half term so my friend could go, she told her HT and he told her to take another well as it's half way round the world.
I think she should at least ask.

[Andrewofgg]

One of you is being irresponsible and it's not her.

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

Hamg on. You are all ignoring the fact that the OP can't take leave herself during July and August, that booking in school holidays may significantly increase the cost of travel for all the other guests (if those dates are even available for booking a wedding, school holiday dates are the first to get booked up) and tat the destination is the grooms home country. The OP has not just randomly decided to make everyone travel abroad for no reason!

Okay, she might have to accept her sister cannot attend. I think her sis could still ask, or settle for a weekend trip. Sister has no right to get the arse if the OP cannot change dates or doesn't wish to change location. The world doesn't revolve around her teaching job.

[blindsider]

It is ridiculous, of course she should be able to have a days holiday to attend her sisters wedding. She could be off sick and they would have to cope. It isn't like anything that important will happen in a single day. It's Teachers being holier than thou as they have the 'future of the nation' in their hands.

[DinosaursRoar]

Can you go earlier - Easter holidays or even February half term, or later the October half term?

Are there flights on the Friday night? If so, id be tempted to offer to pay for her flight, she might not think it's worth it for a 48 hour period, assume you are saving money by not getting married here. (Yes she'll be knackered but she would be if you had a uk wedding that involved along drive on Friday night/Sunday)

Is relocating the wedding to the uk not possible?

[CoolforKittyCats]

Sister has no right to get the arse if the OP cannot change dates or doesn't wish to change location. The world doesn't revolve around her teaching job.

OP has no right to get the arse if her DSis can't. Especially as she has said she won't do certain dates because of her own job.

[TimeOfGlass]

I can understand you wanting the wedding in your DPs home country, but YABU to get upset about your sister not not wanting to ask.

I would guess something has changed at school in between her saying one day might be doable and now, to make her think it would be a bad idea to even ask.

If you really want her at your wedding, I'd personally be looking at alternative venues that would have availability during school half term, or postponing till autumn half term.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Why can't she fly out Friday night? Or, if it were my sister I'd get in the car and drive / get a train.

[StealthPolarBear]

Bit if this is the other half of the other thread I think it was going to be a LOT of money and a lot of travelling. Without her oh as he isn't invited.

[Unescorted]

I am suprised that your sister said she might be able to get one day off and then changed her mind - unless it is still in May and is timetabled for SATS season. Some days are easier to ask for than others - as your lack of time off over summer shows.

[Blu]

She SHOULD be able to, yes, blindsider, but I suspect that the problem is less Saint Complex on behalf of teachers and more Targets, OFSTED, league table pressure on school management.

And we do know, from MN, how parents love an 'Outststsnding' school above all else. This is the kind of anxiety and rigidity that often goes into that hallowed status,

[NicknameUsed]

"Also can't see why, if she really doesn't want to ask for the day, she can't fly after school Friday or early sat"

You are assuming that:

a) The wedding venue is near an airport
b) The sister lives near an airport
c) There are Friday evening/Early Saturday morning flights to the wedding destination
d) That there is availability on these flights

[Hulababy]

It's unlikely to be granted beyond the day of the actual wedding ime. Thought it does depend on the school.

Most teaching staff inc teachers I know would ask, but in the knowledge it may or may not be granted and it would certainly be unpaid leave.

Tbh - it will cost your sister a lot - lost day of pay, travel costs in too of general wedding costs.

Teachers can and do have time off for term time weddings that fall on a school day; seen that many many times and not just for immediate family.

However to ask for the travel time off to go abroad for it - far less likely.

[Maidupmum]

I'm a primary HT and I'm going to against the grain. You are allowed a day off for the wedding of a close family member.
I'd be inclined to allow it and I'd be more inclined if it was after SATs week.
She'll have to take it unpaid but unless she works for someone completely unreasonable, she should be allowed it.

[Hulababy]

And HT can and do allow time off for children to attend weddings too.

It is the discretion of the HT but the holiday rules do permit it. It is just some HTs who make the decision not to. Many do and they and the school are not penalised as a result.

Even the worst HT o worked for wasn't such a dragon you wouldn't be able to approach him about something like this.

I think I must have been very lucky with my HTs overall though after reading some other people's replies on this and the other thread. Some HTs and schools seem incredibly rigid and inflexible with their staff - no wonder morale is so low in some schools when there is no give and take at all.

[CottonSock]

We got married on a Friday as dsil was able to come. She had a good relationship with her ht. I guess we and she might have been very lucky. I don't know what we would have done if she couldn't come. I wouldn't fancy flying abroad for a day personally, but guess I would do it for my sister.

[Windsofwinter]

Haven't read the other thread but I doubt this is the same. My sister's partner is invited, and there is no significant cost to her; we are paying for a villa for immediate family so it's only the flights (we got ours for £70 return each when we went out to look at the venue).

My sister is going to Mexico next Easter which rules out that holiday, I suppose October is a possibility. We can't have the wedding here as DPs mother is in poor health and unable to fly.

Thanks for your replies; I'm very aware that I could be being blinded by my emotions over wanting the "perfect day". What hasn't helped is that this comes on the back of my sister being upset that she wasn't invited by her friends on a mini break to Amsterdam because the returned on a Monday, and the hadn't even given her the chance to ask for the day off. But you're right, things could have changed within the school since then.