To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

[Kidnapped]

There must be thousands of flights from the UK to Italy every day.

Get whatever flight after work that takes you to anywhere in Italy. Or even a neighbouring country if need be.

Hire a car.

Get to your destination around 2am.

Job done.

[HidingUnderARock]

YBVU
Teacher's holiday dates are established over a year in advance. If you need your sister to be away from work for 3 days choose 3 days when she is off work.

[DinosaursRoar]

To be fair - I live in the south east- so yes, sounds bonkers to me that there's only one flight a day to the whole region of Italy the wedding is taking place in (further airports and car hire makes sense to me too). If the op is somewhere remote the sister still might have yo take time off to get to a Uk airport for an evening flight.

Op, look at other dates or accept not having your dsis there. Easter, later to October half term, Christmas?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

To be very honest I think YABVU to be upset and angry that your sister has told you she can't come to your wedding - regardless of the details of the situation!!

• an invitation to a wedding is just that! An invite, not a summons! To be angry that someone has responded that they can't come for a very valid reason is absurd and childish
  

• To be angry at someone who has said that they are unable to go, but would like to, and has suggested alternatives for you to consider is just mind-boggling to me!!!
  

You seem very bogged down in the detail about the fact that your sister has not done exactly as you have wanted/ expected. Instead consider that she is trying to juggle and balance her life and circumstances (which even for the closest of sisters won't be truly understood by the other) and has said she can't come but offered alternatives.

Aa others have said, if there are certain people you want there, you have to understand what they CAN do and compromise your arrangements.

The details about the school in this case are not important at all.

Give your head a wobble and have a rethink. Or go ahead without your sister.

[Windsofwinter]

Surely you "could at least ask"... Or does that only apply to other people with restricted holiday times?

If it was her wedding and I needed one day, I would ask and luckily it would likely be approved. The chances of me being allowed to take the two weeks I'd need to meet Italy's residency requirements (4 working days) and to have our honeymoon after the wedding - nonexistent.

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

There are suggestions on this thread that the OP delays her wedding by months or even a whole year iirc in order to accommodate her sister. I think that is pretty unreasonable tbh - there is no guarantee that other guests (who may be as important to the bride and groom) will be able to make it/afford it if it is in the holidays.

It is madness to organise the date of a wedding around one guest, if doing so will cause significant cost increase or inconvenience to everyone else who is attending.

I am a former teacher, so not anti teacher at all, but I think that if you choose this job not being able to attend all events is one of those things you have to accept.

[chickenowner]

IWILLgiveupsugar - I agree, I'm a teacher and I accept this a a 'downside' of my long holidays!

[Winterbiscuit]

YABU. Why aren't you looking at the summer holidays or alternative venues?

[Windsofwinter]

I feel like I'm struggling to get my point across. We don't actually know that she can't make it because she hasn't asked. If it's a definite no, I would look at changing the venue. It's not a case of choosing the venue over her, or being deliberately awkward in choosing a time that's less convenient.

[CodyKing]

Get whatever flight after work that takes you to anywhere in Italy. Or even a neighbouring country if need be.


Are you serious - for one day at a wedding?

[Cocolepew]

I work in a school and we get three paid days off if we have to travel to a relatives wedding.

[BitOutOfPractice]

She can get a flight to another city in Italy on a friday night and get a train. There's not only one flight to Italy on Fridays

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Why can't you take her at her word that she wouldn't get it anyway and therefore can't go? Why do you feel that she needs to do something else to prove to you she can't fo?

[BitOutOfPractice]

Yes Cody I'm serious. It's not just "a wedding". It's her sister's wedding

[GoblinLittleOwl]

She cannot ask for time off for a wedding when pupils are refused time off for holidays. The summer term is unbelievably busy with exam marking, report writing and end of year activities on top of the normal workload; having a weekend abroad would leave her tired and losing two whole days of out of school time for completing paperwork; there is that much pressure.
I expect she is equally upset at missing your wedding.
If it is so important to you that she is there, why did you arrange your wedding out of the country knowing her circumstances?

[Kariana]

I'm not saying I'm completely on one side or the other as I can see the issues and problems for both sides. I'm surprised though that she said she would ask and is now refusing to. Are you sure you didn't misunderstand? What is her reason for the turnaround? Is there a new head or is the school struggling?

I was a primary teacher and know plenty of teachers who have had time off for these things. One to be a bridesmaid, another for three days as her wedding and honeymoon overlapped with term time when she changed schools, plus other examples. It does vary between schools but there's no harm in asking especially at the end of June once all tests etc. are over. The only difficulty might be if the school have planned 'moving up day' or an important trip/parent assembly on that day. Could it be that you've just hit on the wrong Friday for her? On the other hand it is embarrassing for teachers to have to ask for term time off so I can completely understand why she might not want to whatever the circumstances.

All those who are citing the policy about students not being allowed time out of school need to remember that this policy was invented by politicians, not teachers and it's slightly cruel to say that teachers should suffer for something so out of their control. I can see why everyone is saying the staff need to set an example but unfortunately it's just one more example of how the government is controlling the profession and making parents feel like their children and the teacher being in school everyday is the be all and end all of their life chances (it really isn't). That said I would say nearly 100% of the parents whose children I taught in primary would have had no problem with me taking a day off to attend my sister's wedding.

Finally I don't know a single teacher that gets 13 weeks holiday a year - I worked through most of mine. I probably got a week at Christmas and maybe 2 or 3 weeks in the summer. There used to be protection in the red book for situations like this where teachers could take unpaid leave but a lot of that has sadly gone now.

[oaadc]

It depends on your HT. One I worked for hauled me into her office to call me 'unprofessional' for having 2 days off for a miscarriage. She also tried to forbid me from telling any other members of staff about why I had been away.

I had to use my PPA time to go to a funeral.

My husband doesn't speak to his brother because his wife didn't get that I wasn't allowed the day off for their wedding and she started effing and jeffing about me to everybody.

[2016namechangecomingalong]

YANBU. She should at least ask.

As a primary school governor the head often asked us to approve the odd day off for teachers. We usually approved them and would have done for this.

If she asks and they say no then you can think about it. If she doesn't even ask then fair enough that you are pissed off. I think you're getting quite a hard time here.

[WeAllHaveWings]

There are suggestions on this thread that the OP delays her wedding by months or even a whole year iirc in order to accommodate her sister.

the op is upset her sister cant come on that date, we are assuming her sister coming is important to her and suggesting options. if the date is non negotiable course she can stick with it.

the only unreasonableness coming from the op is expecting her sister to be there on a date she clearly cant do.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

If she'd asked and was not allowed then yes, I would look at changing the venue. No deposits have been paid, the date is just reserved. But she doesn't actually know that she can't make it

I think she probably does know - she knows her headteacher.

Bear in mind also that the second half of the summer term can be particularly awkward because that's when residential trips tend to happen, which means a number of teachers out of school. If the head has to cover those absences - even if it's a different week - s/he may be even more reluctant to allow other non-essential days off.

[Moonlightceleste]

But heads are so unlikely to make an exception that yes, you do know she can't go. If she was entitled to a couple of days for this kind of thing it would be in her contract and she would know about it! She doesn't need to ask if she already knows the answer.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I feel like I'm struggling to get my point across. We don't actually know that she can't make it because she hasn't asked.

She has said she cant have the holiday so proceed assuming she wont be allowed and either have it on your dates knowing she wont be there (she might ask once you firm the date up), but will be able to attend the party at home later or change the dates to when she can attend.

[Fairenuff]

I expect she won't ask because it would be embarassing to do so. She knows that the headteacher will not agree to spend taxpayers' money on a supply teacher just so that you can have a certain venue for you wedding.

It's not a death in the family. It's not illness or emergency leave. Your dsis knows the terms of her employment and knows that she should not be asking.

[ProcrastinatorGeneral]

Look, she doesn't want to ask. Maybe, being as she works there, she's more fucking aware of the possible reaction of her HT if she does ask.

You sound like a bridezilla in training.

Either book it or don't, but stop expecting your sister to get a mouthful of grief just because you want a specific venue. It's shallow, and as I said before, hypocritical to respect your own calendar issues and ignore hers.

[CalleighDoodle]

It doesnt just depend on the school, it also depends on the individual person and the circumstance. Ive known a person given an afternoon off for a nativity play and another not given a morning off to attend his daughter's surgery, despite being primary carer. Even daring to ask for a day off for something deemed unworthy in some places will count against you.

Going abroad to attend a wedding is costly and difficult. especially when you factor in the cost of a day unpaid.

Yanbu to want to have the wedding you want.
Yabvu to expect other people to make possible sacrifices in their career / pay to attend when you could easily change the venue.
Yabvu to expect your sister to somehow prove her devotion by demanding she asks deapite you not knowing her ht or head of governors like she does.