To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

[Genie0709]

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

YANBU at all OP. Not all men are like this when they are with their friends so don't fall into the trap of thinking it's normal and you have to accept it. They are basically talking about her like a piece of meat, it's disrespectful to her and to you. I know you love him and he's great when you're together, but he's revealed another side of him that does exist.. God knows what else has been said between them for years.

He could have been putting on an act for his mates, but even so, he must be a pretty weak character to go against his morals to impress his mates. Personally, I think this may be a lucky escape for you. You can get out of the relationship before you commit to buying a house together, which could be a disaster.

Yanbu, that's unacceptable. Run for the hills and then some.

When people say some things happen for a reason - this is one of those moments.

Lweji

That's one hell of a leap don't you think?

Are you actually suggesting this man could be a rapist?

If my boyfriend made a racist joke I would think he was a racist.

This would be a deal breaker for me.

You're seeing the side to him that he hides from you, but it's still him, it is still who he is and how he thinks.

2.5 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things. Run for the hills.

I think as soon as you've bought a house with him/married him/had children with him etc you will see that side of him first hand because it isn't a side of him, it is him. What you see is what he wants you to see while he gets you secure and then he will let his real self out as it will be that much harder to leave him. Personally I couldn't get past it and every time he went out I'd wonder what he was doing, not in a jealous way, in a 'I'm worried about any woman he encounters' way. I'm so sorry he's this person and you've fallen in love with him because everyone you deserve better

Definitely put the mortgage stuff on hold. If you don't live together and have only been seeing each other for just over two years there is areal chance you haven't seen the 'real' him.
I say this because my exh kept his 'preferences' hidden for several years and I hadn't a clue until I stumbled on stuff in our home. I stayed put for way too long after finding it all but in the end it finished our marriage.

It may be him being a twunt in front of his mates afraid to loose face. But even that is pathetic on its own. Imo you've got to have 'the talk' and see what he says

Sorry this has happened to you, it's devastating when your partner lets you down

I could never be with someone who joked about rape and/ or had such blatant disrespect for women. He is a massive fucking twat. You currently have no ties to him, you've had a lucky escape.

Thing is, if you talk to him about it now, whatever he says, you'll never be sure. Clearly he has this bunch of mates with whom he behaves in this way and sees nothing wrong in it. This episode he's talking about in the taxi - in other circumstances that might have been you he was talking about in that way.

I think you're about to have a very lucky escape.

It is a possibility that they could have raped someone in the past.
Just as it is a possibility that it's only words and he doesn't really think like that.

My point is that if we use herd mentality to explain his behaviour, and if he was that susceptible to it, then how could the OP know how far he'd go with his mates.
And before you say I'm overdoing it, we know many women have been raped. Even by men they thought were friends or by boyfriends. They are not ogres hiding from society. Rapists live among us, so it is something to consider about someone who is capable of saying such things. Why not?

YANBU. Thank goodness you found out about this before you were in too deep. Run for the hills and don't look back.

Imagine him on a stag weekend?!

OP if I were you I'd tell him what you saw and that you need some space to think. Tell him this side of him has frightened you and made you question who he really is.

Do you think maybe not seeing him for a few weeks would help?

Talk to him. Relationships built on game playing and passive aggressive behaviour are doomed, it's not how grown ups behave. Tell him you saw it and talk to him honestly about how it makes you feel. My husband is a genuinely lovely man but I have no doubt that what he says to men he works with would not be what he says to me. I do know that he would never ever talk about a woman the way your partner has and he'd be revolted with any man who did. Think very carefully before you commit to a man who would say things like that.

Are you actually suggesting this man could be a rapist?

If she is, what would be wrong with that?

EVERY man could be a rapist. If it were possible to recognize a man as rapist at first glance, there wouldn't be many rapes.

A whopping 30% of men even admit that they are rapists in anonymous surveys (number goes down to 10% if the word "rape" is used, but that doesn't change the fact that, in a situation where they could do so without consequences, around 30% would rape)

If 30% of men are rapists, and 60% of men think that rape jokes are funny, then the chance that a man who thinks rape jokes are funny is a rapist 50%.
(I assume that most rapists think that rape jokes are funny; I cannot imagine a rapist who thinks rape jokes are bad taste ... I mean, unless they are about rapists getting killed.)

Wow, that's horrible and would be a deal breaker for me, I think.

Is it absolutely certain and beyond doubt that it was him? It wasn't one of his friends nicking his phone, knowing you had the iPad at home, to try and get him in the shit with you?

I should point out that I think it's far more likely that he did send the messages himself - but to end a relationship you want to be totally sure of your facts and in any case, this is a defence he's quite likely to come up with when you challenge him on this, so it's worth being prepared to hear it from him.

Ps screenshot the conversation, if you haven't already, in case he deletes it and denies all knowledge.

My exh used to do this a bit...there are a couple of bits of 'office banter' that got back to me and a horrible sexiest conversation between him and some friends about one of our other friends girlfriends that I saw in much the same way you saw this op.I found it hard to reconcile that with the person he projected himself as being,and indeed was, when around me.
5 years down the line it has transpired that he is pretty vile in fact, and closer to that 'other person' of the messages etc that I chose to ignore than to the person I thought he was.
Of course people are different to some degree when with their friends than they may be with their partner.But ignore it when it's to this degree at your peril I would say.At least tread carefully on the house buying for a bit.

I couldn't get passed any of what you described, tbh. Cheerfully participating in a discussion where women are being discussed and viewed in that manner would make me think he was a misogynist pig.

No thank you. I certainly wouldn't be looking to buy property with him!

My exh used to do this a bit...there are a couple of bits of 'office banter' that got back to me and a horrible sexiest conversation between him and some friends about one of our other friends girlfriends that I saw in much the same way you saw this op.I found it hard to reconcile that with the person he projected himself as being,and indeed was, when around me.
5 years down the line it has transpired that he is pretty vile in fact, and closer to that 'other person' of the messages etc that I chose to ignore than to the person I thought he was.
Of course people are different to some degree when with their friends than they may be with their partner.But ignore it when it's to this degree at your peril I would say.At least tread carefully on the house buying for a bit.

I know muppets like this- they are mostly bad looking and have rubbish personalities so try to make up for it with sick disgusting comments about women. My ex being one of them - he is the weak one too scared to not take part so I have 0 respect for him.

With his contributions to the convo I'd be pretty dam pissed off and no chance would I stay with him. I would have screen shot the convo and sent it to the gf of his mates so they can see what their lovely bf are like I would even show his parents and explain that's why your walking away from him
God what vile pigs

I can't comprehend ever talking the way he has BUT it was a private conversation.
You can't control what he says to his friends just like he can't control what you say to yours.
If it's a deal breaker then the relationship needs to end but I don't think making horrific jokes in private makes someone a bad person.

Worst of all is that he initiated the whole thing with the photo he sent his mates.
He was not even a follower.

OP, I hope he has no naked photos of you.

If you went ahead and bought the house, had kids it may end up like war of the roses.

OP you still there?