To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

[Genie0709]

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

Apparently Ted Bundy could be a real gentleman too, was being groomed for politics!

My boyfriend was lovely to me too. Until he wasn't. He started off nice and funny and generous and kind and considerate and then it changed just a little drip at a time. I was very young, too young to recognise it for what it was, but it's crystal clear now. Little by little, just the odd comment but it was leading up to the biggie. Bizarrely the rape didn't end our relationship because, at the time, it didn't occur to me that that's what it was. It ended after he hit me infront of a group of people at a social event. He was convinced I was screwing someone else. To be fair someone else was trying his hardest to get me and I was completely oblivious. I ended up caught in a game between two rutting stags and it went on for years. Fucking hell... just writing that makes me want to scream at my 17 year old self. I think that's all why I am absolutely adamant that none of my children will accept that they're either obligated to be a victim or to victimise. My ex boyfriend has a son himself now and I hope to God that boy's mother is a strong woman.

chilledwarmth
He makes some stupid sick jokes about rape privately to his friends, is is distasteful and offensive, but there's nothing to suggest he truly believes that rape is ok.

Men who dont believe rape is ok, dont rape women, and dont joke about it.
Rape jokes are not ok.
Stalking a woman online and sharing photos of her while making those kind of comments is not lovely or caring,
It shows his true nature.

The lovely caring act is an act, designed to get him what he wants. This behaviour is called being 'charming'.

He is Prince Charming in public. And stalks women and makes rape jokes when he thinks he can get away with it.

FyingElbows
Thank goodness you ended it.

Hi EveryoneElse. Everyone has a different idea about what kind of things are off limits, about when something stops being comedy and starts being just plain wrong. Maybe you draw the line at rape jokes, but other people decide that among their group such jokes are fine. The comparisons to murderers and serial killers are just silly. There is nothing to suggest the boyfriend is a rapist, or would ever be a rapist, yet for some reason people feel it is fine to imply he is or is at risk of becoming one.

EverySongbirdSays, no I haven't fantasized about raping woman or joked about it. I've already said that I don't personally like rape jokes. I'm fine with a lot of offensive comedy, but rape isn't one of them. It's pretty lame of you to try and shut down discussion by saying that the only possible reason I wouldn't agree with your views is if I fantasize about rape. Am I not allowed to oppose your views without being labelled a rapist for doing so?

Sociopaths like the rapist/murderers mentioned are good and behaving how they think society wants them to especially with loved ones - not that OPs DP is one.

There is nothing to suggest the boyfriend is a rapist, or would ever be a rapist
Or that he isn't.
The point is should the OP risk it, given that he has expressed these opinions?

Yes many rapists and murderers behave perfectly, put on an act to prevent their crimes being discovered. But that is in no way relevant to this thread because there's nothing to suggest the OP's boyfriend is either of those things.

Lweji if you open those floodgates then you would never risk anything. No one would go on dates ever again, because there is no evidence to suggest the person they are going to date isn't a rapist/killer. I don't think people can live life with such a high level of fear.

He has not expressed an opinion that rape is ok. I don't know why people continue to perpetuate that.

Actually, and as I've said, there's conflicting evidence. Not that there's no evidence either way, to be specific. He did say those things. That is evidence.

Here's the conflicting evidence, for the hard of thinking:-

1. He is a lovely boyfriend.

1. He offered up a photo of a woman he knows, for the specific purpose of having a violently rapey conversation about her.

I'd call that conflicted.

Exhibit 2 is what's colloquially called a red flag. Hard experience has taught me to heed them.

People brought up the "but he's lovely to her" defence. That isn't an adequate defence. Most people are capable of being lovely some of the time, be they saints or sinners.

So then you have the fact that he thinks rape is funny and that he encourages an atmosphere in which rape is acceptable and is the woman's fault. Now if someone joked about drowning a cat I wouldn't let them pet sit. If someone thinks rape is the woman's fault I don't want to be in a vulnerable situation with him.

He has not expressed an opinion that rape is ok

Of course he has. He has even supplied the picture of the woman that he and his crummy mates can knock one off at the thought of gangraping her. And because she has her tits hanging out she would totes be asking for it.

If that is not saying "rape is ok", I am not sure what else to say to you

Genie0709 please keep us updated xxx

Who are you dating, Ched Evans?

Seriously though, I've started to question how prevalent these types of attitudes are amongst men these days, is it now the norm for 'lads' that grew up with internet porn?

It's sickening and I'd rather die a spinster than hitch my wagon to a creature who could even entertain those sorts of thoughts in private, let alone share them with his mates in the name of 'banter'. It's beyond disturbing IMO.

AF nails it again! And says what I thankfully now don't have to as I don't wish to engage with a certain poster either here or elsewhere on mn!

In my opinion I don't think all men are rapists. I think the op boyfriend is a product of his father most probably the apple don't fall far from the tree. I think it's hard for women we have to find men who will respect us in front of our children be it a girl or a boy. If the father disrespect the mother then the boy will grow up not respecting women.

If it was me I would walk away because he is not serious about the relationship. He doesn't respect women.

FlyingElbows I am so sorry to hear this, how utterly awful.

wow those comments were really disgusting, i understand boy chat but really

Not all men are like this.

Completely unacceptable. I'd run a mile.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN.

Chilled you are talking utter garbage. Inciting / normalising gang rape is nothing like telling a tasteless joke.
Have my very first ever

I worked in a care home a couple of years ago and there was a young man who just started working there. I could not believe how polite and nice he was. He went to church every Sunday. There are nice genuine people out there. I didn't mean to offend anyone with the skimpy dress comment. When I was a teenager me and my friend dressed nice it was the way we were treated. Me and my friend was with some other lads in the park she went off to do her thing I weren't interested. My friend wanted to stay with them I didn't and one them wanted me to do something. I had a go at my friend for putting me in that situation as I wanted to go and then he got upset and attacked me. My other friend went out with him I did not know at the time and she found he attacked me and she dumped him. I didn't know how to defend myself that's why I think self defence is so important.

blog.iblamethepatriarchy.com/

Just read this, scroll down to...8Please don’t rape, OK? Thanks awfully!*

It's very interesting and ... sad... and ends with ...

"Defining women’s liberation in terms of male interests is always gonna be an imperfect revolutionary technique. If we continue, like damsels poised to collapse on our fainting couches, to reassure anxious hetero cisgender dudes that their complicity is forgiven if they merely refrain from behaving like barbarians, we are supplicants. “We embrace your masculinity, but please, if it’s not too inconvenient, don’t rape us, Real Man!”

The comments on the dude’s article were unsurprising, largely composed of offended men who are insulted by the absurd insinuation that all men profit from women’s oppression. And dudes who claim to view “their wives” as “equals” but worry that any attack on masculinity — wherein is safeguarded the dudely right to prong whatever it likes — will bring about a dreaded “matriarchy.”

O the irony. Anybody who dreads a matriarchy obviously has a pretty good idea of how crummy patriarchy is. Yet somehow, when the price of fixing it turns out to be human rights for women, waste no time in heading to the comments section at HuffPo to explain what a bad idea that is.

To get rid of rape you gotta get rid of masculinity. Suck it, Parody Boy."

I worked in a care home a couple of years ago and there was a young man who just started working there. I could not believe how polite and nice he was. He went to church every Sunday.There are nice men out there

I've been posting throughout the thread and I saw this post and had to go NC to comment.

The man who raped me was a university graduate
The man who raped me went to Church EVERY Sunday
The man who raped me was a Health Care Professional
The man who raped me volunteered with people with disabilities
The man who raped me had probably previously offended
The man who raped me was one of my best friends

Would that it were so simple as being polite and nice and attending church.

SpinDoctor