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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 17:22

Men do take longer to grow up. I would just talk to him about it without showing how upset you are it may just be nothing.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 22/04/2016 17:25

Yanbu. That's pretty much unforgivable imo

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 22/04/2016 17:27

Bumble how can it be nothing? He made jokes about a woman deserving to be raped and talked about his sex life with a previous girlfriend, who he is gutted about never having sex with. Which part of that is nothing?
And I'm sorry but no - men don't mature later than women, that's pathetic excuse making for shitty men. A 27 year old is old enough to know that rape is wrong.

VestalVirgin · 22/04/2016 17:28

I don't think making horrific jokes in private makes someone a bad person.

Ah, but the interesting question is: Why would someone who is not a bad person make such jokes?

I mean, there are horrific jokes that are actually funny. But ... saying that he wants to rape a woman is not funny, the only way why it is perceived to be a joke is because it would be too horrible if it was the truth.

Mslg · 22/04/2016 17:28

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I previously was in a relationship where this sort of thing happened (not identical, but involved inappropriate messages) and it absolutely ripped my heart out.

Completely unacceptable. I think you know this as well and to be honest, I think you if you end it, it will be a lucky escape.

molyholy · 22/04/2016 17:31

Jesus christ bumble. Are you for real? Talk about minimising!! It is never acceptable to dicuss gang rape and women deserving to be raped. And if you think it may be 'nothing', your personal views towards men and women are very skewed.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/04/2016 17:32

he is a 27 year old twat - and his behaviour is fairly typical unfortunately

its not nice but does not make him a cheat or a rapist - just a twat

completely understand why you are upset

this is enlightening,

ouryve · 22/04/2016 17:32

Wow. If there's a plus side to all this, it's that you stumbled upon this vile, misogynistic shite before you bought the house together.

blankmind · 22/04/2016 17:33

On the face of it, this is vile and I agree with the majority of posters about every negative thing they've said.

However...rewind 20 years or so and this type of conversation, without recordings and images, was quite typical of groups of lads, the sort of phooowarrr, what about her then, you missed a treat there lad, we should have all got together and given her a good seeing to etc.

The difference is, 20 years ago you'd probably not have heard it because it would have been discussed when you weren't around, and there wouldn't have been an image to go with the discussion.

Around that time, I worked behind a bar for a few years and very soon found out that the guys and often mature men I'd thought were decent were really no better than this, all of them engaged in this type of laddish idiocy, with very, very few exceptions. But to a man, all of them would have been horrified if their current wives or partners were spoken about like that. They seemed to have some sort of mental divide, that it's fine to be disparaging about other women, but not their own.

Nowadays, because of social media, peoples' thoughts and conversations are a lot more public than they mean them to be, and there's an undercurrent running through society that sees women as nothing more than objects for mens' pleasure.

If I were you, I'd cancel the mortgage broker meeting, tell your partner you need to speak to him urgently and ask him about what you've just seen.
Ask him if he'd share any photos of you with his mates and say things like that about you to them.

His reactions will tell you all you need to know and help you to make a decision.
Flowers

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 22/04/2016 17:33

Men take longer to grow up? Hmm even if that was true and he's not 'grown up' that would make him childish and what he did isn't a childish thing is it.... It's a despicable thing. Rape 'jokes/banter' make it harder for people to speak out when they're raped they think we'll everyone thinks it's a laughing matter or I've heard that person telling a rape joke so I can't tell them etc.

ouryve · 22/04/2016 17:34

He's in his late 20s, bumble, not his teens. He's had plenty of time to learn that women aren't objects to be gawped at and fucked whenever you feel like.

LotsOfShoes · 22/04/2016 17:35

Hmmm I don't think I could get past this. This wasn't a thoughtless comment on a night out or whatever. This was an entire conversation and it involved making fun of an actual woman, sending pictures of her etc. I don't think I could get past that. Even if it is herd mentality (which I don't believe), as someone earlier said, imagine him on a stag or night out with his mates. He sounds horrible and you are not the first woman who thought her bf was the greatest guy ever and then started finding out about the real him a few years into the relationship.

VestalVirgin · 22/04/2016 17:35

Men do take longer to grow up

This is not about maturity, it is about being a misogynist asshole. Time does not solve that problem.

Besides, if you truly believed that men take longer to grow up, you would be in favour of letting them vote only when they turn 30. And perhaps require them to be 35 before they can get a driver's license.
You do not really believe that men take longer to grow up. It is just a shitty excuse.

Goingtobeawesome · 22/04/2016 17:37

He justified rape.

End of for me.

LotsOfShoes · 22/04/2016 17:37

And I'm 100% sure that he's already talking/making jokes about you too already. God knows what he's revealed about you to his mates.

AliceScarlett · 22/04/2016 17:40

I think you should talk to him about it. I'm clearly in the minority here but the conversation could have been really dark humour. Does he have a dark sense of humour?
It is possible to joke about terrible things while having a moral stance against them. I'm not saying he is right or how you feel isn't valid. Just as it is completely out of character I'd talk to him before upping and leaving.

Mopydope · 22/04/2016 17:41

Awful. No excuses. Disgusting views whether they're due to herd behaviour or not. Imagine if you brushed this under the carpet/ moved on from it (somehow) and had a baby with him..... a boy to be taught these awful views or a girl to be discussed in this manner by the misogynistic pigs in her generation.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 17:41

Really op after seeing this, and knowing he initiated this type of conversation and took part in it, I would stop buying the house all together. I would sit him down and tell him exactly what you saw, and how it made you feel, if he minimises it, tries to explain it away, that would be the end. Really those views are not in line with what I would look for in a loving partner, good thing you found out now, before your in too deep.

MerryMarigold · 22/04/2016 17:43

Yuck. If he's like this after 2.5years. I hate to think what he's like after 7 years. OP. are you very physically attractive? Do you think he likes you for your looks? He sounds very shallow when it comes to women, but clearly you are not a shallow person at all. What is your conversation like? You deserve way more.

ILikeUranus · 22/04/2016 17:43

Yanbu OP, that must have been a horrible shock to read that from him.

MrsLupo · 22/04/2016 17:44

Agree re laddish idiocy. All sounds pretty normal, though revolting obviously. Popular culture encourages young men to behave in this objectionable way just as much, if not more, than the better influences in their lives discourage it. 27 is quite young imo and if he's on the threshold of contemplating settling down with you he's probably enjoying the last hurrah of being able to be a complete twat with his laddy friends before maturity beckons. I think you at least have to discuss it with him and hear his side of the story before deciding he's a completely different person from the man you thought you loved. If he won't explain himself, or his response isn't adequate in your opinion, then maybe he isn't who you thought, or what you want. Seems a shame to let Mumsnet decide, though.

MerryMarigold · 22/04/2016 17:44

but the conversation could have been really dark humour. Does he have a dark sense of humour?

Excuse me, but he sent a pic of a girl he's touched up, with her 'chest out'. He sent that to the group which started it all. Doesn't sound like dark humour.

dudsville · 22/04/2016 17:50

You know, I didn't even read your whole OP, what I read was pretty sick. I met my first proper boyfriend when I was 18 and we were together a long time before I realised he disliked women. The reason it took so long was because I didn't know about issues like these. I have since learned that this kind of behaviour is an instant ejection button for a partner, for a friend, for sharing coffee with a colleague, anything. It's never funny, it's never a topic for casual use. There are no excuses. Yes he needs to learn but if he was my partner I would not want to spend the time teaching him, I'd rather find a man who already understood.

VestalVirgin · 22/04/2016 17:51

Even if it is herd mentality (which I don't believe), as someone earlier said, imagine him on a stag or night out with his mates.

This. If someone's ethics purely depend on who he is together with, then the fact that he behaves okay when he is with you, doesn't mean much.

@Mrs Lupo: And who makes "popular culture"? There must be a lot of men who do the encouraging.
Yes, it is very common. Doesn't mean we should accept it.

AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 22/04/2016 17:53

OP I too would run for the hills. You got a look at another side of him, a side his friends see regularly enough to know that they could engage with him in this conversation. And then the actual behaviour he sent the picture of his ex, not one of his friends, him just eurgh. What happens when he does that on you?