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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:

expotition · 22/04/2016 17:56

I agree with the posters who think this is pretty common behaviour for a man of a certain age who feels the need to fit in with his mates. I don't think it necessarily means that he's a proto-rapist (or an actual one) or that he would ever seriously argue that rape was okay.

But I do think that the thousands of men like this, at best nervous to stick their necks out to disagree with their friends, at worst too unintelligent and/or lacking in empathy to understand what's at stake, are bad news to be involved with whatever their other virtues. Worst case scenario, if you or a friend of his or a daughter of his were to be raped in less than classic (man with a knife, and even then it's not always cut and dried for this type of person) circumstances, you/they might risk getting jealousy / interrogation / suspicion from him rather than the support you needed. And that's hell.

He might be educatable. You know better than we do what he's like generally. But it's not your duty to educate him. Personally (& with lots of hindsight) I'd dump him.

oneowlgirl · 22/04/2016 17:58

This is early warning op - id run if I were you. Sorry but you deserve better.

Ivegotyourgoat · 22/04/2016 18:01

Yanbu, but I think a lot of women would be shocked to hear the way their husbands and boyfriends speak when they're not there.

Everyone will of course say that their dh wouldn't dream of being so disrespectful though.

I've worked in offices for years and the amount of seemingly nice, happily married men I've overheard having some disgustingly sexist conversations.

I've known a few who I think genuinely wouldn't speak like that, they are usually the ones most women wouldn't go out with.

Pinkheart5915 · 22/04/2016 18:04

Your not over reacting
Rape is no joking matter
Doesn't sound like a respectful man

Ivegotyourgoat · 22/04/2016 18:05

It's quite probable that he isn't a rapist or even a cheat, but he has to be one of the lads, and lacks the empathy and maturity think beyond that.

Trouble is you can speak to him, he'll probably be really apologetic, say he didn't mean any of it, but you can't unsee it.

LindyHemming · 22/04/2016 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pseudo341 · 22/04/2016 18:06

To everyone saying it's common for men to talk like this, yes it is, that absolutely does not make it okay. If all men thought that talking like this would cost them their relationship they might think twice. This absolutely should not be brushed aside. We, as a society, have been brushing it aside for far too long.

VestalVirgin · 22/04/2016 18:10

I've known a few who I think genuinely wouldn't speak like that, they are usually the ones most women wouldn't go out with.

Why? Are they ugly?

I don't really think that ugly people have better personalities to make up for it.

Have met some pretty detestable men who also looked damn ugly.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:11

Its like saying, well men will be men! It is not acceptable, and I would worry about a partner that thinks its ok for women to be treated like that, that he might do it to you some day.

PPie10 · 22/04/2016 18:13

Yanbu, it would seriously worry and freak me out that he kept this side of him completely hidden perfectly for so long. And he has a group of friends who he is happy to slip into being one of them. You are the company you keep!
Not all men are like this.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:14

stopfuckingshoutingatme

You do know that film is bollocks don't you. Oh the poor menz with the nasty women forcing them to pretend to be nice. It is so unfair on the wee lambs to have to police their own behaviour that it might make them a bit sad so women, dress up a dom and let your man do whatever the fuck he wants to you just to make him feel better

Really?!?

That's right because nasty women are stopping men from being men.

Original poster

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 18:17

Thank you for all your replies, I really appreciate it. I can't talk to my mum or friends about this because Im so ashamed of him and they'd probably never look at him in the same way again.

I cancelled the mortgage appointment, the house is off the cards. I asked him to make his own way home from work so he knows something is up. I am seeing him later tonight. I will hear him out as my gut says that he acts like this to get a laugh from his mates and play up to them. Still completely unacceptable as how far would he take that? I genuinely don't think I would ever trust him on a night out/stag do again. I love him, but I'm not an idiot.

I have always been aware that this certain group of mates are a bunch of absolute clowns as he admits that himself and regularly tells me stories of their antics. I'm embarrassed that I believed he was any different to be honest.

Completely gutted.

OP posts:

Lweji · 22/04/2016 18:18

This is not about maturity, it is about being a misogynist asshole. Time does not solve that problem.

This.

AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 22/04/2016 18:19

I have known men like this and I have known many, many men not like it. I studied and have worked in completely male dominated (STEM) sectors all my life and was pretty much 'one of the lads' in my early years lucky me not all men speak about women like in the op and it is cultural within groups of friends as to whether it is acceptable.

The thing is though again it was not just talk with the OPs partner it was putting up the picture that was equally as disrespectful and then there is having the banter? about an ex when you are in a new relationship.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:20

Yes you do need to talk to him so that he is aware of what he did wrong and take it from there. For me, it would change my perception of me, that he can feel like this about women, and be derrogatory about them.

Ivegotyourgoat · 22/04/2016 18:21

No not they're not ugly, they're just genuinely nice and don't fit in with the stereotypical beer drinking, sport watching lad culture. Simply they're nice, but perhaps don't fit in with how we expect men to be.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:21

He initiated the whole thing, by putting that picture up.

PPie10 · 22/04/2016 18:21

I love him, but I'm not an idiot.

It's so refreshing to hear someone sensible and value themselves more than settling for a person just because they are 'in love'.
Now you've seen the other side to him, one that he kept hidden so well. He sounds like just one of his friends.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:24

Yup I am a bit concerned that he
A) still has a revealing pic of an ex
B) sent it to his friends
C) he wanks in taxis

When you say chest out OP do you mean she's actually topless or just wearing something a bit low cut?
And if he never even slept with her where did he get this revealing pic from? Is an old one that he brings out every now and again for a taxi journey or has she been in touch or is he following her online?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:24

he is agreeing with all this horrid stuff about rape and gang rape, and placing the blame on the woman because of what she was wearing, horrid horrid horrid. Reading it again, this would be a dealbreaker, sounds like he has no respect for women, and the same might be for you in the future.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:25

Wolf in sheeps clothing

bakeoffcake · 22/04/2016 18:29

Ivegotyourgoat
"No not they're not ugly, they're just genuinely nice and don't fit in with the stereotypical beer drinking, sport watching lad culture. Simply they're nice, but perhaps don't fit in with how we expect men to be."

Speak for yourself Ivegotyoyrgoat.

There are plenty of women, including myself who would run a mile from what you seem to think women "expect men to be".

I would never be able to be with a man who spoke about women like this. Most men I've worked with, that I know as friends and am related to, would never in a million years speak about women the way the OP's partner did. It may be "normal" in some circles, but certainly not in all.

Original poster

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 18:29

Sorry just to clarify smalllegs, this was a picture that the girl had put on Instagram herself. The dress was just very low cut, no actual nipple or anything. He doesn't have private photos of her on her phone, and if he did I wouldn't even bother writing this, he'd be gone without question. She's not an ex as such, just a "one night stand that never was" from what I read.

OP posts:

getyourfingeroutyournose · 22/04/2016 18:30

at the very least tell him the conversation came up and you want to put the buying off a house due to what he said.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:31

A makes more sense although I am still not sure why he is looking at pictures of one who got away on instagram.

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