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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
Ivegotyourgoat · 22/04/2016 19:19

Exactly grease we all think that OUR husbands and boyfriends wouldn't make rape jokes, or else we wouldn't be with them would we?

I've worked around all kinds of men, young, old, married, single, black, white. asian, dads, granddads. Nice men. I've heard all sorts of conversations, about their wives, objectifying women, scoring other women in the office out of 10.

Not saying that's ok, or that anyone should put up with it, just that I think we live in a massively sexist society.

Ivegotyourgoat · 22/04/2016 19:21

Does anyone remember when it was fashionable to constantly say frape on Facebook?

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 22/04/2016 19:25

Also, someone posted earlier that they think a lot of women would be shocked at the way their oh's speak with their mates.

I think this is likely to be true - not always to the extent of the op obviously, but for any reason.

I can remember walking in on my dad with his mate when I was about 20 and he didn't hear me coming. They were effing and blinding (and using the c word Shock ) like I've never heard before. I had never heard my dad swear before and it completely shocked me. I mentioned it to my mum a few weeks later and she looked at me like i'd lost my mind and said 'What are you on about? Your dad doesn't swear' Hmm

blowmybarnacles · 22/04/2016 19:27

YANBU.

He has been hiding this side of himself from you. Now you feel you don't know him. What else doe he hide?

Turn up wearing a low cut top and ask him why he feels you are asking to be raped.

Mslad · 22/04/2016 19:31

To this saying 'lad culture, lads are like his, what can you do, etc' we as women can refuse to have relationships with any men like this and I think we'd begin to see a culture change.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 22/04/2016 19:35

He won't tell you the truth about himself.

Ask him what he thinks about Ched Evans. That's a good one for finding out what people really think about consent and "slags". You'd be surprised how many people really can't see what he did wrong.

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 19:35

Flowers Genie.

I'm calling red flag, too. In my extensive experience, people who behave badly where their partner/family can't see them actually are badly-behaved people. I think you've accidentally seen the real him.

I'm sorry.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2016 19:35

Just occasionally, men show us exactly how much they hate us

This is one of those times

You have had your warning, op. It's up to you what you do with that information.

SwearyKnickers · 22/04/2016 19:37

There is another thread here about an actual teenager calling her every name under the sun for having an affair with a married man 20 year older than her.

She practically responsible for his sleaze......but here I am reading that a grown ass man pushing 30 can't help making rape jokes about a woman he actually knows at such a tender age Hmm

frumpet · 22/04/2016 19:42

I would have really struggled not to join in the conversation

Yep you are right boys , rape is the only way you are going to get anywhere near her , but you are wrong about the judge , you would be spending time inside and a nice big man called Geoff would be spending time inside you !

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 22/04/2016 19:55

Ask him what he thinks about Ched Evans. That's a good one for finding out what people really think about consent and "slags"

Hasn't he just successfully appealed?

SexLubeAndAFishSlice · 22/04/2016 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VioletTea · 22/04/2016 20:24

Sorry OP but that is terrible behaviour. I hate to say it but I think it's lucky you seemed to have found out in the nick of time what kind of man he is.

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 22/04/2016 20:39

It's going to retrial though, greasel.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 22/04/2016 20:47

I wonder if he is different when he's with you that perhaps he's suseptible to peer pressure but it would worry me deeply that he actually thought those things himself. The only thing I would say is maybe judge him on his actions not on his words, people say lots of things but don't always mean them but if you do that remember fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me

Skittlesss · 22/04/2016 20:48

Hope you're ok, OP. I would recommend going with your gut feelings over this one xx

bakeoffcake · 22/04/2016 20:49

Grease I've been married for 27 years and work with my DH as well as live with him.

I don't have to explain myself to you, but there plenty of men who don't discuss women like is being suggested here. There's enough people on this thread saying "I work with men and hear them talk about women like this" I'm just putting the other side of it.

Yes I can't be 100% certain

bakeoffcake · 22/04/2016 20:52

And I'd also add that the OP has said she hates the stories her partner tells about what this group of friends get up to/say and she always thought her partner was different to them.

Well, if my DH was socialising with people who behaved like this, he wouldn't be my DH anymore.

HappinessLivesHere · 22/04/2016 20:56

This is awful, I would absolutely run a mile. You seem to have your head screwed on so take your time and think it through. Better you found out now than when you had a home together. There are genuinely decent men out there who would be horrified by his remarks. Best of luck!

Writerwannabe83 · 22/04/2016 21:08

So he goes looking on her Instagram account for photos to leer over??

Why on earth is he doing that if he's in a stable and loving relationship with you?

Why's he still thinking about her and talking to her? The fact he's saying he is still gutted he didn't get to sleep with her is disgusting seeing as he's supposed to be committed to you.

The rape jokes and laddy banter are bad enough but if this was my DP I would feel utterly betrayed and would be questioning just how happy he is with me if he's still leering over other women and thinking about what "could have been with the one who got away".

And as has been said, who knows what stories he's telling them about you and your sex life.....

EverySongbirdSays · 22/04/2016 21:31

For me personally, this would be a dealbreaker and I'd be absolutely devastated and his bags would be packed, no discussion (if that sounds TOO reactionary and dramatic have a think about why someone might respond like that)

But.... if you don't want to hang him and flog him it might be worth clarifying whether this is HIM or a part he plays when he's with the LADS - how he wants to be perceived.

Begging the question why does he want to be perceived like that? Will he fit in more in that group, is he the needy, try hard friend?

And why does he want to fit in with a gang of Men's Rights Rape Apologists??

He might (to give him a chance) know they are turds but be a bit desperate to be liked.

His personal views on when rape is rape and how far they differ from the actual law need to be canvassed here.

You say your friends and family will never look at him in the same way again, but..... WILL YOU?

And if not, it's ALREADY over, and you're just delaying the inevitable

DavetheCat2001 · 22/04/2016 21:52

Bleuugh not much I can add OP.

So sorry you have had to find out this way, but honestly it's better to know before you saddle yourself up with a repulsive worm like this.[

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 22:13

He shows his mates a picture of an old girlfriend who he regrets he didn't have sex with at the time. His mates look at the girl in the picture and how attractive she looks and they spout off sexist comments about her. I can understand why you are upset. I know some men can be very explicit when it comes to women but that doesn't make them rapists it makes them sexist pigs.

Pilgit · 22/04/2016 22:25

Not allenough do this. I know plenty who would shut down this kind of sexist crap. It would definitely be a deal breaker for me. Actually was with an ex!

YourLeftElbow · 22/04/2016 22:36

I really feel for you OP. I know that if I forgave something like this, I'd never forget it, and a lifetime is a long while to be unsure whether you actually know your companion properly or not. I know I couldn't do it. Not just for the rape comments, but talking about regretting not sleeping with that woman, looking at her instagram, sounds so at odds with the other side of him... it would worry me.

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