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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
Stiddleficks · 22/04/2016 18:36

I'd want to know why he even has her photo on his phone?!

MilkshakeMonkey · 22/04/2016 18:36

I'm afraid he will try and blame his mates, he was just "going along with it" etc

But the fact is (especially on social media/ messenger) you can leave a conversation you don't like. If friend started talking in a manor I didn't like (eg racist) I would either share my honest option and walk away or no longer take part in that conversation.

good luck

Homeriliad · 22/04/2016 18:37

He acted like a dick, but if we all ended relationships over one instance of dickish behaviour then we'd all be single.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 18:40

homeriliad this crosses the boundaries and is really serious. Op has said that it has changed how she sees him, and cannot look at him, well that does not bode well for their relationship.

Lweji · 22/04/2016 18:41

Jokes about raping someone are beyond dickish.
Ignore the red flag at your peril.
Being in a relationship is not that essential that we have to live with someone who thinks women are objects to talk of like that.
And talks about other women to his mates like that while being in a relationship.

KittensandKnitting · 22/04/2016 18:41

could not agree more bakeoff

I'd run a bloody mile from this one, it's disgusting behaviour, went out with one not to dismilar many years ago it took 3 months of dating before his "veil" came down and believe me once it did I couldn't get away fast enough.

OP can you honestly see yourself wanting to sleep with this man moving forward... I certainly wouldn't trust him with anything.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:45

homer it is the one incident she knows about.

That said I'd talk to him OP.

I wonder what he'd think if he overheard other men discussing the sexual things they would like to do to him without his consent because he wore a fitted tee or a pair of shorts. oh no that's right modesty only applies to women

mix56 · 22/04/2016 18:45

Classy guy you have there.
Yes, say mortgage is off. No way you are going in with a lewd, sexist, sham of a man, & think he should probably be reported to the sports clubs he represents.
Even in jest, it has shown you what kind of filth he instigates & promotes...
So what exactlyis he saying about you behind your back to impress the tossers he hangs out with...
"Jog on Wanker" I think is the perfect expression.

AbelMancwitch · 22/04/2016 18:48

Do you think that it is possible that perhaps he really doesn't realise what a massive wanker he's been, and perhaps this wake up call from the OP might make him re-evaluate his completely fucked up opinions? I mean, do you think that men like this can change, or is it once a wanker, always a wanker?

(Not defending him at all, just wondering out loud.)

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:50

abel possibly but not necessarily. My opinions on various things including what is/is not funny have changed over the years. But it depends whether what he said reflects a complete lack of thought or his considered opinion.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 22/04/2016 18:51

at the very least it implies he's not the deepest thinker.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/04/2016 18:51

He acted like a dick, but if we all ended relationships over one instance of dickish behaviour then we'd all be single.

Yeah, you're right. I mean, we all make jokes about race, disability and sexuality, just putting people down because they're not the same as us. Right?

AbelMancwitch · 22/04/2016 18:54

I really feel for you OP - it's horrible when you see a future with someone and then they turn out to be not what you thought. Flowers

bumblebee1234 · 22/04/2016 18:54

I don't know how young men behave I am not with one as I find them immature. I however would not waste my time on anyone like that. I am with an older man so if anything this thread is educating me. If his friends are like that what made you think he was an angel. If it was me I would not feel comfortable with any of it and I would tell him from the start. My partners ex friend befriended a young woman and I voiced my opinion straight away as did he. I have seen and been through to much in my youth to accept anything like that and I wouldn't tip toe tell him how you feel. Grow some balls and if he doesn't like it then tell him to foff.

Lweji · 22/04/2016 18:55

The problem with talking to him is that he could simply hide his behaviour better.
Not necessarily be a wake up call, except for learning about privacy.
I imagine he's old enough to know he needs to treat you well to keep you, so he's old enough to know this behaviour was disgusting.

CandyFlossBrain · 22/04/2016 18:55

Why as women do we (not the OP, but generally) frantically attempt to minimize this shit? Grown men joking about a woman getting raped, this is supposed to fall within the sphere of acceptable behaviour?

If they'd made equivalent jokes of a racist nature I assume we'd all unanimously tell her to ditch her ratbag boyfriend, but jokes that suggest he may not like or respect women, in fact enjoys gossiping with his friends about them getting violently attacked - actual red flags for the OP here - and some of you are suggesting she just brushes it off...

Whyissheontheship · 22/04/2016 18:57

Abel I think people can change, but I am strongly of the opinion people should change before getting into a relationship.

If it were me op it would be a deal dealer. Maybe someday he might 'grow up' and start behaving like a decent person but it's not up to you to wait and find out.

Sorry I know this must be really tough!

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 22/04/2016 19:00

Good luck talking to him. It's going to be tough but he needs to hear how this left you feeling.

So much good advice here

Oswin · 22/04/2016 19:01

Oh yes if he was being a racist it would not be being excused as just the way some men are.
Seeing as it's violence against women they are talking about there has to be some way to make it not bad. Not a really awful fucking scummy shit thing to say.

SwearyKnickers · 22/04/2016 19:02

This is who he is. This is a potential father to your daughter (if you want children)

And he's a scum bucket. I'm sorry. I'd be gutted.

RedMapleLeaf · 22/04/2016 19:04

This is a potential father to your daughter (if you want children)

Or son Confused

Aeroflotgirl · 22/04/2016 19:04

Exactly, it would leave a very bad taste in my mouth, he was advocating and joking violence towards women, this is not the man I would want as a father to a potential son or daughter.

CandyFlossBrain · 22/04/2016 19:05

And no, I don't think you can trust him when he's out with these mates. You can see for yourself what their level is...

Please update when you've spoken to him. I hope he doesn't try any of the following a) try to deflect by pretending you invaded his privacy, b) minimize and act like you can't take a 'joke' like all the cool girlfriends do, or c) say that he hates that kind of talk he really does, and you know he's not like that, but it's how his mates are and he just goes along with it for a quiet life, etc, etc. You'll learn a lot from his response. There's only one acceptable one.

Sweetandsour93 · 22/04/2016 19:10

My ex turned out like this, he was the nicest and most romantic guy when he was with me but a vile LAD type with his friends. They had a disgusting whatsapp group where they'd say horrible stuff about women, swap porn pics etc and awful jokes. Run for the hills! Anyone who can speak like that and find rape funny, is not a nice person deep down. People try to mansplain it away like "oh he's just joking with his mates" or "its banter". It's not. It's sexist and crude. You've seen a side of him you didn't know about and it hurts but at least you know now, rather than 10 years down the line. All men aren't like that, they are decent people out there.

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 22/04/2016 19:11

There are plenty of women, including myself who would run a mile from what you seem to think women "expect men to be". I would never be able to be with a man who spoke about women like this. Most men I've worked with, that I know as friends and am related to, would never in a million years speak about women the way the OP's partner did

Pray tell how exactly you would know if your husband, boyfriend, dad, colleague or other relative spoke like this only in the company of his mates?

I mean, let's be realistic - this could be commonplace. Speaking like this only in front of their mates could be something 70% of men actually do. And unless, like the op, you'd been in a situation where you'd heard or seen it by mistake, you'd never know.

I always hate the way these threads develop into the slightly superior toned 'Oh well this would never happen to me' posts, which imply that the poster has obviously better judgement/taste than the poor fools it happens to. It's really distasteful and naiive.

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