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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
KondosSecretJunkRoom · 24/04/2016 10:15

(Don't know where the random 'over' and question mark came from)

gingerboy1912 · 24/04/2016 10:28

Has the op come back to the thread to update us on whether she talked to her partner?

Lweji · 24/04/2016 10:29

Yes.

gingerboy1912 · 24/04/2016 10:29

What happened? I can't see it?

AnotherTimeMaybe · 24/04/2016 10:33

She should thank her lucky stars that she came across this side of him sooner than later - fuckers have been caught by iMessage iCloud photo stream and all that.. Thank God for technology ....

Lweji · 24/04/2016 10:56

As expected he told her he didn't mean it, he just went along with mates (he sent the first photo and comments), he doesn't think like that and he cried and so on.
She has later updated saying she thinks it's over.

SwearyKnickers · 24/04/2016 11:22

Really don't get how it's "peer pressure" when he's the one that started int Confused

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 12:02

OP Flowers this is deeply unfair on you. You have had your happiness and peace of mind removed through no fault of your own.

The acid test would be, not what he has said to you about his behaviour but what he says to his twatty mates. Is he going to go to them and say what we said, the way we talk about women, it is wrong, it is disgusting and there isn't an excuse I realise I was wrong and I won't be doing it again it doesn't refelect the way I feel about women and I do not want to be that arsehole and if you are going to talk like that I want nothing to do with you.

Or is he going to say I can't talk that because my girlfriend doesn't want me to.

Or is he going to say nothing at all.

None of these scenarios means you should stay with him if you can no longer look him in the eye but they do say everything about who he is as a person.

Atenco · 24/04/2016 14:34

Even assuming he is a nice man how is easily led, IMHO having crumby sexist mates AND being easily led are HUGE red flags in themselves, I should know.

gingerboy1912 · 24/04/2016 15:01

Lweji thanks for the update I didn't see that.

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 17:20

Hey Italiangreyhound. No entitlement, just pointing out that if you are going to be offended over rape jokes, then it's probably not a good idea to continue reading the parts of this thread where such a joke was quoted.

SmallLegs re "can't talk about that because my girlfriend doesn't want me to" that's exactly what the case is here isn't it, so what would the issue be in him saying that?

Italiangreyhound · 24/04/2016 17:32

chilledwarmth posting things one knows others will be offended by and then telling them not to look here in case they are offended is a way of controlling who reads here and thereby who posts here. It is a way of shutting down debate in order to tell a rape joke that no one was at all interested in hearing. Even the person who asked about it I would wager was not interested in hearing it. I would go as far as to say 99.99% of people reading this thread are not interested in hearing any rape jokes, so posting them is unnecessary, offensive and controlling.

And I would imagine the OP hopes her boyfriend will see that this sort of talk is very harmful and will stop because he sees it is very harmful not because his girls friend tell him too. Or is it too much to expect men to actually see what we are talking about and become aware!!

EverySongbirdSays · 24/04/2016 17:58

chilledwarmth believing you can tell a woman what she should and should not read is peak male entitlement.

You have not covered yourself in glory in this thread whatsoever.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 18:13

chilled warmth you are as pathetic as the OPs (hopefully now ex) partner is.

Pathetic. Cant or dont want to see that its wrong so lay the blame and responsibility on the woman.

OP this is the kind of thing that leads to "I cant go to the stag do because my wife dosnt want me to" instead of "I would rather not go this time because i would like to spend some time with my wife and family as i dont get much time with them as it is"

"I cant because she wont let me" is used by a lot of pathetic twunts OP. SmallLegs is bang on!

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 18:25

Saying he won't talk about those things any more because he thinks its harmful isn't going to happen though, because he doesn't think its harmful. The only reason he wouldn't talk about it with them any more is because his girlfriend asked him not to, so explaining this by saying his girlfriend doesn't want him to is entirely accurate. They obviously have different feelings and opinions about this. He thinks its ok she doesn't, but that doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem. Couples don't need to agree on literally every single thing.

I have not, and won't, tell anyone that they can't read a thread. What I'm saying is that if you know that something offends you, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go ahead and read it because it will annoy you. As for shutting down debate, quoting a rape joke doesn't do that. But telling someone to "desist" from being allowed to say what they have to say very much IS.

Lweji · 24/04/2016 18:29

He thinks its ok she doesn't, but that doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem. Couples don't need to agree on literally every single thing.

You expect that in some couples the woman agrees that rape is a laughing matter?
That it's fine for a man to think rape is a matter to joke about?
Would you feel fine if a group of men leered over your photo and made jokes about raping you? Your best friend? Would you just agree to disagree?

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 18:34

Yes, because that's people for the most part do when they can't find common ground on issues. What exactly do you imagine I'd have a right to say to them? That I don't like rape jokes? I don't, but they obviously do, and their adults. I can't really say they aren't "allowed" to joke about stuff.

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 18:38

Someone writes/says something offensive
People object
Offender responds by telling people not to read/listen to offensive comments

Genius! Hmm
Only problem is, we don't have a crystal ball, so we don't know the comment is offensive until we read/hear it.

The only reliable way of not offending people is not to write/say offensive things.

And FYI (since we apparently need to point out the obvious) a rape joke is an offensive thing. THIS WHOLE THREAD was started on the premise that a rape joke is an offensive thing.

VestalVirgin · 24/04/2016 18:40

Couples don't need to agree on literally every single thing.

For there to be genuine disagreement, both partners need to respect each other as human beings.

If a woman perceives her partner as human being while he sees her as useful object, then that is not a disagreement, and they are not in a relationship, the woman is owned by the man - she just doesn't know it.

She will find out, though, and she won't be happy when she does.

Would you stay in a relationship where your partner is racist against the race to which you belong, and frequently says things that expose his deeply held belief that your race, and therefore you, are not really human, but mere objects to be used and thrown away?

(I assume you are white and therefore cannot really imagine this. Do not imagine "reverse racism", as that will not give you the accurate feeling. Imagine actual racism, the likes of which that leads to slavery and genocide.)

Lweji · 24/04/2016 18:43

chilledwarmth
I didn't ask exactly that.
I asked how would you feel if a mate joked about raping you. Would you still be friends and just agree to disagree?

EverySongbirdSays · 24/04/2016 18:44

chilledwarmth

You literally, literally told me to leave the thread if I didn't want to be subjected to rape jokes.

ODFOD Biscuit

Lweji · 24/04/2016 18:46

And there's the slight issue that someone who thinks rape is a good subject for a joke probably thinks rape is no big deal either and is also more likely to rape someone than people who don't make those jokes.

GarlicShake · 24/04/2016 18:50

Would you feel fine if a group of men leered over your photo and made jokes about raping you?

This probably doesn't work as intended because men generally don't live with the constant background threat of rape.

If you have a daughter, or sister that you care about, chilled, replace the girl in this story with her.

Alternatively (or as well), picture yourself overhearing a group of bigger & more violent men chortling as they discuss a detailed plan to beat the utter shit out of you, personally.

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 18:57

By not allowing people to say things that may offend, that is effectively shutting down debate far more than suggesting someone doesn't read something they know offends or upsets them.

Hey Vestal. From the OP's description it seems that they both respect each other as human beings, so what you've said there isn't a problem. Reverse racism is also "actual racism", no more acceptable . Would I stay in a relationship with someone who was a racist? No I wouldn't, because their outlook on life would be completely at odds with mine, to the point where I think we'd be incompatible. There hasn't been the slightest suggestion that the OP's boyfriend treats her like an object to be used, indeed all that she's said about him suggests he's very caring and loving and treats her well. So the question is does she feel able to stay in a relationship with a man who treats her well and respects her, but makes jokes about certain things that really offend her?

EverySongbirdSays · 24/04/2016 18:57

"men don't live with the constant background threat of rape"

So true garlic shake

Imagine you'd been in that group chat - and the others hadn't known the girl in the picture was your cousin

I'd imagine hopefully, you'd have gone apeshit why aren't women you dont know deserving of respect?