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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider ending my relationship over rape jokes?

540 replies

Genie0709 · 22/04/2016 16:31

Really sorry if this is a bit of an essay but I would appreciate any opinions/advice.

For background, my partner and I are 27 and have been together for 2.5 years. We have known each other since we were about 16. He has been the most loving, supportive, faithful person since we got together. It is a wonderful relationship and we bring out the best in each other. Currently we don't live together but we have recently started looking to buy our first house.

Last night, I was watching a programme on our Ipad which is linked to his phone. At the time, he was on the train home from work. He and his friends were having a group conversation over imessage and every incoming message popped up at the top of the Ipad as I was watching iplayer. One text appeared referring to a girl as "the one that got away, hey MrGenie" and I couldn't help myself - I opened the group chat to see who they were talking about (please no lectures, I already feel terrible and have never felt a need to snoop before). I soon realised that my partner had sent to his friends an instagram picture of a girl in a dress with her chest out. My partner had commented that he didn't know what he would do if he saw her like that. Cue the most disgusting discussion between these men joking that she was asking to be raped wearing that, even a judge would agree, etc. Gang rape was also joked about. My partner was actively participating in this chat, talking about a time when he went home with this girl after a night out and had "finished" in the taxi before they even got home because she was so hot. They didn't end up sleeping together, which he said he was "still gutted about".

Needless to say I am devastated. Reading that conversation was like reading the messages of a stranger. I have never seen this vile side of him and I feel like I don't know him at all. To me, it is so out of character but maybe he is just an absolute arsehole when I am not around. I am disgusted by the things he said and disgusted by his friends. I feel disrespected, humiliated, terrified that I do not know my own boyfriend.

I have been at work today so have avoided seeing him, but we have an appointment with a mortgage adviser tonight so I am supposed to pick him up from work in an hour. Currently, I can't even bare the thought of looking at him.

Am I overreacting - is this something you could get over? I know that these texts were sick jokes but even joking about it crosses a line in my opinion. I am distraught at the thought of ending this relationship but he obviously has this revolting immature side of him that only comes out when he's with his laddy mates. I'm not sure how I would trust him when he goes out with these friends in the future, or how I would ever look his friends in the eye again.

OP posts:
Baconyum · 24/04/2016 18:58

Agree men don't get it...

...apparently neither do MNHQ as I reported several apologist posts and only one deletion throughout the entire thread and no comment from MNHQ whatsoever. As I said in my response to their weak email...makes a mockery of their we believe you campaign.

Lweji · 24/04/2016 19:12

There hasn't been the slightest suggestion that the OP's boyfriend treats her like an object to be used, yet.
The opinions and jokes he shares with others suggest that he may well hide his true feelings from her.
As most men who are abusers do.
The jokes can be a glimpse of his true self that hasn't shown up to the OP yet.
Would you allow this man to marry your daughter, chilled?
Would you confidently tell her that he's reliable?

NameChange30 · 24/04/2016 19:19

Personally I think chilledwarmth has had enough attention for one thread and he's clearly not listening and not going to get it, so I am going to do my best to ignore.

OP hope you're doing ok.

VestalVirgin · 24/04/2016 19:22

Thoughts become words become actions. That guy is already halfway there.

I would be rather surprised if his lack of respect for women would never show in his actions.

UptownFunk00 · 24/04/2016 19:24

Unfortunately (well fortunately) chilled doesn't know what it's like to have the opposite sex openly discuss what they are going to do to you even though you'd never agree to it. Finding out those you thought were decent people doing it.

I have and it's one of the most heartbreaking and anger inducing things ever.

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 19:29

He doesn't lack respect for women Vestal, the OP made that clear when she described what their relationship is like.

VestalVirgin · 24/04/2016 19:35

You're right, AnotherEmma. He's not listening, we could as well talk to a wall.

I shall follow your example.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 19:36

chilledwarmth you entirely missed the point. Thus very clearly demonstrating the kind of man you are.

makes jokes about certain things that really offend her they weren't making jokes about a thing they were laughing at the thought of violently assaulting a person they know.

He said to OP that's not really the way he thinks. Well if that were true then he would tell his friends, you know what that's not really the way I think. Otherwise he is both a liar and a rape culture loving misogynist who puts his wanky friends before someone he supposedly loves and respects. Making out his ex deserves raping and his current gf is unreasonable for wanting to go out with a man who doesn't treat women as other is appalling.

I wonder what he'll do when it us her they are laughing about gang raping.

Italiangreyhound · 24/04/2016 19:42

What I'm saying is that if you know that something offends you, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go ahead and read it because it will annoy you.

or rather

What I'm saying is that if you know that something offends people who are seriously having a discussion about that very thing, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense to go ahead make jokes you know will be offensive because it will annoy them.

But I agree with Emma that Chilled has manopolized the conversation enough I won't be responding further to any of his comments unless there is a genuine desire to learn something.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 19:57

What can one who apparently knows everything already possibly have to learn?
Men are funnny. Women are miserable kill joys who are there to be objectified, raped, joked about, lied to, patronised and ignored and if they are offended by that they should piss off. That about sums it up.

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 20:03

"Would I stay in a relationship with someone who was a racist? No I wouldn't, because their outlook on life would be completely at odds with mine, to the point where I think we'd be incompatible. There hasn't been the slightest suggestion that the OP's boyfriend treats her like an object to be used, indeed all that she's said about him suggests he's very caring and loving and treats her well."

Chilled It does work the same way for misogyny as it does with racism you know. A misogynists outlook on life is completely at odds with a womans.

Another reason this bit of mansplaining dosnt fly is that there are plenty of racists who treat their partner well.

So why is your bar set higher in one instance but not in the other!

VestalVirgin · 24/04/2016 20:16

Another reason this bit of mansplaining dosnt fly is that there are plenty of racists who treat their partner well.

Yeah, because their partner is white.
Most black people do not enter into relationships with white Ku-Klux-Klan members, as the latter would not want this, so it is not (much of) a concern.

However, as exploiting women's reproductive potential is the point of patriarchy, men who hate women and view us as subhuman, have no problem whatsoever with marrying women. In fact, they desperately want to marry women, perhaps even more so than men who do not hate us.

Sometimes, they disguise their hatred for women very well. Sometimes, not so well. Sometimes, not at all.

If a man tells you what he is like, believe him. Even if he claims five seconds later that it was meant as joke.

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 20:19

SmallLegs, no it does not sum it up, because you're making stuff up, no one said that women are their to be raped, lied to, patronized, or ignored. Using words like "mansplaining" only serve to shut down debate, because it's like you're saying that no man is allowed to challenge your opinions or disagree with what you say. He can either agree, or he's "mansplaining" by disagreeing with you. Why isn't he allowed to express his views without that word being used?

HelenaDove · 24/04/2016 20:21

YY Vestal Agree.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 20:29

I never used the word mansplaining.
As I didn't think it needed saidWink

You are patronising us.
You are implying he should lie to his girlfriend (but be honest to his male friends)
That it is ok for them to objectify woman.
And if that it is ok to perpetuate rape culture.

And they are saying that women are there to be raped.

As for shutting down 'the debate' this wasn't a debate about whether male entitlement. It's not a competition for you to win. it is a thread about whether the OP should dump her bf for being an arsehole.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 20:30

A debate about male entitlement. Even.

Baconyum · 24/04/2016 20:32

I think ignoring the poster concerned is the best option.

SmallLegsOrSmallEggs · 24/04/2016 20:35

And I wasn't aware it was my duty as a woman to facilitate debate about whether or not women should find rape humour acceptable. It's a debate I would not give a shiny shit about shutting down so the boo hoo hoo you're not letting me have my opinion tack isn't going to work.

Cos yup men's opinions are so rarely heard or represented.

Lweji · 24/04/2016 20:36

I'd still like to know if you'd be happy for such a man to marry your daughter.
Would you tell her she'd just have to agree to disagree on this? Maybe also when he decided that he was going to have sex with her and she disagreed?

bumpertobumper · 24/04/2016 20:52

There is an interesting article by Barbara Ellen in the observer today which is very relevant to this situation
http://gu.com/p/4tt3b?CMP=ShareiOSAppp_Other
Cold sexual contempt drives too many men.

chilledwarmth · 24/04/2016 20:53

Hey Lweji. Based on what the OP said about how her boyfriend treats her, yes I'd be happy for someone like that to marry my daughter. What makes you think that he would rape her because she didn't want sex?

Lweji · 24/04/2016 20:59

What makes you think that he would rape her because she didn't want sex?

What he said makes me think it's always a possibility.

Like men joking about beating up others are also more likely to do it.

Baconyum · 24/04/2016 21:00

Would you want your daughter/sister/mother being with someone who probably discusses them as an object purely useful for sex?

Lweji · 24/04/2016 21:05

And if your daughter was the but of the "jokes"?

I know what my dad would think.

thesortingtwat · 24/04/2016 21:06

OP if you're still reading - my dh has a group of work colleagues who he's been working with for so long lthat we've all been to each others' weddings, know each others' kids etc etc. His nickname is 'the Victorian' because they all think he's a prude. I never knew why until he confided quite recently that it was because, whenever this group had done a big deal/were away on conference/stag do, they'd always round off the night by visiting sex workers. Dh wasn't interested, not his thing at all, he'd just take himself off for a drink or whatever and let them get on with it - hence the nickname. My point is that it is possible not to bow to peer pressure and that's what a decent man should do. It's not ok at all, what your bf did. And the fact that he instigated it shows that he's invested in this viewpoint. Also that he stalks his one night stand on social media and lusts after her. It's grim. Get rid.