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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 21:01

If people would willingly hang around with someone who did what he did, then he is not the only person with a problem.

BuunyChops · 19/04/2016 21:02

Right I wanted to check with friend before I posted

Friends father (call her A) was arrested for same crimes 3 times: 2 suspended sentences, finally went to jail on the 3rd occasion. Friend cut him off at the first arrest; interestingly she never questioned his guilt.

She has 3siblings. One did the same, one went back and forward and 4th kept doing the 'but he's family…'

Anyway after a few fights the siblings agreed not to talk of it but she and sibling B made it know that they would never attend any event that he did.

Last year sibling C the back/forward one had a party for her young child, invited the other sibs and cousins. A's DC were visiting her PIL abroad, but B was planning to attend with her 3 DC.

Anyway when she arrived he was there she left instantly and called and warned B who took her DC to McDonalds instead.

Anyway lots of pictures on FB with snide comments about the importance of family etc.

Within 2 weeks all the families with young children had been contacted by Social Services & the police. Turned out that he is under some sort of order that means he shouldn't have any contact with children under 12.

It's since come out that sibling D the 'but he's family' has been allowing him to babysit both her DC but also her DSS.

Why is this relevant? Well he basically used the party to start grooming some of the other parents offering to help them with childcare using the fact that he babysat his grandchildren to make him look safe.

And followed up one if his offers with a phone call to the Mum.

Maybe some abusers can/are reformed but as conviction didn't teach him anything I cant see him being accepted back in to their social group making any difference. It just normalises his actions.

Oh and sibling D is still being investigated by SS.

Heebiejeebie · 19/04/2016 21:04

Add - people are entitled to make their own judgement calls, you say. Unless that judgement call is not to socialise with a paedophile. In which case you're 'making it all about you' and you should cede to guilt tripping friends badgering you to come to the wedding?

Potterwolfie · 19/04/2016 21:05

Please make the decision based on how you feel and not because you feel guilted into doing what other people want, just to keep the peace, otherwise you might feel uneasy and coerced and angry about the whole thing in years to come. You're taking a tough stance for very good reason and it's entirely justified.

How you will feel now and long term, about your decision, is the most important thing.

Dragongirl10 · 19/04/2016 21:11

YANBU...what is wrong with those people! I would not go.

EverySecondCounts · 19/04/2016 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cosytoaster · 19/04/2016 21:12

YADNBU - I find it difficult to understand why this dangerous, vile man and his stupid girlfriend aren't being shunned by your friends.

GrimmauldPlace · 19/04/2016 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2016 21:15

Glad to read he died mrsf. Though I hope he did do some repayment of debts before hand as well

SolidGoldBrass · 19/04/2016 21:17

OP did not originally make it clear that the man had been convicted of downloading the most serious category of images. There are different categories of image, after all. Therefore there was at least a possibility that his offence had not been that serious and therefore his friends/partner, being closer to him and knowing more details, did not percieve him as a danger. (Am not expecting OP to provide specific identifying details and would consider that to be a very bad idea). There is no doubt that images of children being harmed, which can only be made by harming children, are an indefensible thing, but being guilty of one crime in a category doesn't make you guilty of every crime in that category, and it's not unheard of for hearsay and rumour to be printed as fact.

GrimmauldPlace · 19/04/2016 21:19

So which child abuse images would you class as not "that serious?" I'm genuinely interested in what you would class as acceptable?

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sixweekstowait · 19/04/2016 21:20

SGB - jfottfsofatfosm. I'm not wasting any more time on you

Waltermittythesequel · 19/04/2016 21:20

Add I'm glad you are basically a lone voice on this thread.

It sounds as though this group of friends are aware of the issues (and almost certainly condemn them) but out of loyalty to his partner are being polite

Where do you see they condemn the actions? By socialising with him? By pressuring OP to socialise with him?

His partner gave up her rights to loyalty when she stuck by him.

And, seriously, stop referring to it as child porn. You know what you're doing and it's fucking disgusting.

And as for vestal trying to derail with her comments on pornography; have some fucking respect for the posters here who are telling their stories.

FFS. This place disgusts me sometimes.

SquidgeyMidgey · 19/04/2016 21:21

Holy hell OP. YANBU in any way at all.

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 21:22

still trying to defend an indefensible comment i see..

i cant believe anyone would actively try and minimise someone being convicted twice and jailed for what he did.

GrimmauldPlace · 19/04/2016 21:22

Ha Stealth unfortunately there was no obvious debt repayment that I was aware of. You see, when you have certain people like the ones on this thread who make excuses for peadophiles and carry on like nothing, the perverts tend to get on with life. Like nothing happened.

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 21:26

OP, you shouldn't HAVE to tell us the category... he was JAILED for having those images in his possession.. TWICE.

You are right, 100%.

Don't ever for a minute think you're making the wrong choice to cut him off. I know i have never even entertained that thought with the scumbag DH & I have cut off for his foray into serious child sex abuse.

People like that don't deserve to have it swept under the carpet like it never happened.

Original poster
tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 21:31

SGB - I made it clear in the OP that he'd been caught the first time and got a suspended sentence but was caught a second time and imprisoned.

Your post said that maybe I didn't all the necessary information and just a suspended sentence suggested maybe it wasn't that bad and people were over-reacting etc. Proving you didn't read the OP properly.

In my response to you I mentioned the number of images and the categories as seemingly, making it explicitly clear in an OP that someone had been convicted twice and imprisoned on the second occasion might just be 'frothing' and hysteria and he might just have had some drawings?.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 19/04/2016 21:32

A child who is abused NEVER gets over it. Every day is ruined for them so if the bride is a bit upset at a friend not being there. So what.

Thank you to everyone who cares about victims and are willing to stand up for them.

Ratbagcatbag · 19/04/2016 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaraCarter · 19/04/2016 21:33

Therefore there was at least a possibility that his offence had not been that serious and therefore his friends/partner, being closer to him and knowing more details, did not percieve him as a danger
Because if he was a 'proper' convicted sex offender, there's no way any woman could have justified staying with him, eh? CoughChedEvanscough.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 21:35

SGB you should be disgusted with yourself and you owe the OP an apology.

Waltermittythesequel · 19/04/2016 21:36

I'm genuinely interested in what you would class as acceptable?

I am, too.

SGB what are acceptable child abuse images?

StealthPolarBear · 19/04/2016 21:36

Well I love in hope his death was lingering and painful then.