AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

[tomhardyonthewaltzers]

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

Paid his debt to society. Are you having a laugh?
What about all the innocents?

The first time could have been a mistake. It's not unheard of, or it
Wasn't years ago to get images from torrentz.
But ffs, he did it again. He deserves no sympathy.
He is scum.
He had a chance and he fucked it up.
Why does he get to continue to socialise
With people with morals?
We do t have to associate with anyone we don't want to regardless of who they are.

Have some of you learned fuck all from listening to the news?
It's because of you pathetic apologetics that abuse allowed to happen by the celebs.

Tell you what. How about all you that say what's the big deal. He has paid
His debt. He should be allowed to live his
Life. Why not take yourselfs and your families and go and live in a commune with all these guys who deserve to be
Able to live their lives.

Round of applause from me OP.

Thank you for making a stand.

And I second AnyFucker on the zero tolerance call.

There is no such thing as 'child porn' its pictures of child rape and abuse.

That's what porn is, though. Pictures of rape. I wonder why you are so offended by the wording of "child porn" ... or do you really believe that money can be a substitute for consent? Do you think "porn" is somehow a wonderful, sacred word that shouldn't be used for pictures of rape?

I wouldn't go to the wedding. What was she thinking, inviting that man? Inviting his girlfriend and crossing the "plus one" out on the invitation, okay.
But inviting him?
She should have known that this would mean many other people won't come.

Also, while we're at it, I hate it when people use the expression "he's served his time", to demand that everyone should just forget about it and move on. The fact that someone has served time means absolutely nothing other than that they got caught. Having been caught and gone to jail is in no way an indication of remorse or having gone through any meaningful change. They served their time because they had no other fucking choice not because they suddenly grew a conscience.

Pardon my French, but there are some right goady fuckers on this thread. Don't waste time on them.

SolidGoldBrass I have read your post and I'm stunned - and not in a good way. I won't be able to forget that. How unnerving that you post so prolifically on MN, with these attitudes.

Vestal are you seriously comparing child abuse images with consenting adults being paid to do porn?! That is not to say that all adults do consent, I'm not saying there shouldn't be a discussion about it. But some adults actively choose to be involved in that line of work. I can tell you now though, no child consents to it. It's not comparable.

For cate or anyone who thinks similarly - Google category/grade 5 images of child abuse and see what that is. Come back to the thread if you feel like that's something that you could pretend to not know even just for a day.

I'm not a 'hang the paedophile' hysteric. His punishment for the second time he was caught was a prison term. But a 'debt to society' in my view also involves some (not all apparently) people in that society not drawing a line under it and wiping the slate clean when it involves the sexual torture of children.

Served his time? No, he will never have served his time. I totally agree with you, OP, no way would I go and I'm horrified that people are telling you to pretty much get over it.

Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married.

^Then perhaps she shouldn't invite a fucking recidivist paedophile to her wedding.

Good for you, OP.^

Absolutely. What does the bride expect?!

Ratbag, no words, just a virtual hug, you brave person.

could there be a warning put on this thread not because of you OP,thank God there are people like you that get it!

More a warning for any other poor sod on here that might have been through the same as me.A warning that there are some Goady fuckers on this thread!

Some of the oppionions on here have affected me badly!

Surely any film showing sex scenes is pornohraphic? Pretty much all films ever made. Plus any dirty home videos.

The guy has been to jail and paid his debt to society.When are you going to let him move on with his life?

Um, never.

Some debts are never cleared.

Name changed for this.

I was in a similar position, a big event, lots of friends and family. One man there was being charged with similar offences (not then convicted but a close family member had confided in me and I knew he was guilty - since been convicted, suspended sentence).

Everyone else either seemed to put it aside - but most didn't actually know! So they were there with their dc and he was there. I felt so powerless and such a lone voice, I couldn't push the issue as the event was incredibly delicate and important.

I didn't do or say anything. I went with my dc. The person who's event it was is a very close friend and I just couldn't hurt her or ruin the day for her. I still feel angry, guilty, confused and powerless about the whole thing. It was three years ago.

OP stick to your guns and don't go. (Nothing bad happened, but that's not the point. That man shouldn't have been there).

I hope his kids are on the CP register.

I hate it when people use the expression "he's served his time", to demand that everyone should just forget about it and move on. The fact that someone has served time means absolutely nothing other than that they got caught. Having been caught and gone to jail is in no way an indication of remorse or having gone through any meaningful change. They served their time because they had no other fucking choice not because they suddenly grew a conscience.

Exactly. "They've served their time" just means "they were forced to go to prison" - nothing more, nothing less.

OP, just another person saying not only would I do the same, but I would be another person seriously thinking about my friendship group. The fact that they don't feel physically sick in his presence is quite worrying.

You aren't making it about you by stating the reason why you're not going to attend.

Anyone who knowingly stays friends with someone who has committed sexual offences to children are absolute fucking idiots. Tbh op, you're lucky to have had this attitude from them, you've found out what they are truly like: people willing to forgive and forget someone who enjoys child sex abuse.

Tell them that due to that, their friendship is no longer wanted and you won't be attending their wedding.

Arseholes.

OP, i'm so sorry your honest question is bringing some sick and twisted individuals onto your thread.

For those of you being upset by some of the opinions expressed, please believe, very, very few people think that way.

And Vestal, seriously? This is NOT the fucking thread to be trying to compare images of serious child abuse to pictures of people consenting to be photographed and being paid to do it. There is NO comparison. Sick.

Ratbagcatbag - thank you for sharing your story and your bravery. And OP - you are doing the right thing. The bride had a choice to invite him or not, and presumably you have made her feel bad about her poor choice. But that's for her to work through. You don't need to agonise - you have behaved according to your own conscience.

Maddy, I don't want to derail, but I thought Vestal's point was that saying that the term pornography implies consent is misleading - not all the women in porn consent, or consent to be filmed.

Sorry to derail, OP.

My ex friends husband served his sentence.

He did not pay any debt, to society or otherwise.

His victim has never truly recovered from what he did. Her family have never recovered from what he did.

I'm still good friends with their brother. A couple of years ago he got very drunk and told me that he wanted to kill this man. He'd even planned how he would do it. This is the kindest, most gentle person I've ever known and yet he was reduced to having fantasies about murdering someone.

Anyone who thinks that a few years in prison wiped the slate clean can get fucked.

This thread has really disappointed me for three reasons:

1. A bride kindly invited the OP to her wedding, she really was entitled to a polite 'no thank you' if the OP didn't want to go. The bride has committed no crime and - poor judgement or not - wedding are stressful. To the PP suggesting I'm 'making it all about me'. I appreciate your opinion but I don't think I have. I think I've made it all about HIM. To be frank, it wasn't the OPs place to make the bride's wedding day about anything but the bride. The OP has demanded her views get an airing with drama. What looks like crusading child concern is in fact moral righteousness at the expense of the bride.

2. Recidivism is a very serious concern with child abusers. Social isolation is a contributing factor to re-offending. Although it may seem as though casting them out into the social wilderness with nothing but their shame forever more is the right thing to do, studies have shown this is counter-intuitive. Isolation is a destructive force. OK, I know I don't want to be 'friends' with child porn viewers, but as a society we have to be able to cope with them attending normal life events once they have left prison.

3. The hysteria about the wedding invite is disproportionate. One guest's crime does not equal 'You need to cut contact with the whole lot of them'. I know these are emotive, disgusting crimes but this kind of reaction is ridiculous. People are entitled to make their own judgement calls. It sounds as though this group of friends are aware of the issues (and almost certainly condemn them) but out of loyalty to his partner are being polite.

I was just discussing this with my lodger and we both said there would be no way we would go to a wedding with a convicted paedo or socialise with one.

Until I realised that I had indeed invited a paedo to my fake wedding 6 years ago(don't ask!!!) my cousin was abused by her dad but her Mum (my mums cousin) stood by him and they all went for family therapy. This was over 20 years ago and as my cousin/friend (same year at school, in same classes) had remained friends with him I felt I had no choice but to. It was my friends wishes that I treated him as I always had.

Its very uncomfortable for me but at the time of inviting him to my fake wedding I actually didn't even consider what anyone else would think, I just felt I had to do it because they were my mums cousins. There is no way I would ever leave my child with them but my cousins have saying it's alright as they are boys and he's not interested in them, only his own female children i.e. no longer a threat to anyone as they are now grown ups.

It has really made me think and I have realised how much I pushed it aside. There is no way that I would now socialise with a friend once connoted of any type of sexual abuse whether physical or pictures and no way could I be friends with other people that stay friends with abusers. However, I am still stuck in the situation that my cousins who were abused have stayed in contact with their abuser.

Completely agree with you OP, would do exactly the same and from the sounds of your posts you are dealing with this situation with maturity and not making ultimatums and it all about you as some people have been so daft to suggest.

Really don't get the comment about some images being less bad than others or that if it's cgi rather than actual children then it's not so bad - the idea of abusing or sexual contact or torture or whatever with a child is just wrong, not to mention the risk that it progresses onto worse. Glad the majority of posts have agreed with you and cannot get my head around those other few posts, and I am a Christian with a live and let live attitude, and believe in rehabilitating offenders, but I'd not go. You're not ruining her wedding or any such nonsense, if she chooses to invite this individual then she's brought it on herself.