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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want to socialise with someone convicted of sexual offences related to children?

770 replies

tomhardyonthewaltzers · 19/04/2016 16:46

Am I losing my mind? because apparently I'm being unreasonable!.

A friends wedding is coming up. Invitation arrived ages ago and I accepted. I was really looking forward to it as would see lots of friends from Uni I haven't seen for years.

One of our old friendship group was several years ago convicted of making and distributing child abuse images. He got a suspended sentence. His GF was also part of our friendship group and she stuck by him. I cut contact with both of them.

A few years later he was caught again and jailed this time. GF found out she was pregnant just after he went inside. Again she stuck by him and they now have two children together and are still a couple but not living together since he was released.

They're both invited to the wedding which I only just found out. So I told friend who's getting married that I won't attend now because they're going.

So now I'm being pressured by the rest of the friendship group. Told that friend who's getting married is devastated, that her wedding won't be the same if I'm not there to watch her get married. Can't I just put my opinion aside for one day? That they don't want to see him either but wouldn't let the bride down. I was even called selfish!.

I CANNOT watch him laughing and joking at the reception or having a dance or whatever. I just can't watch him enjoy himself knowing what he's done and I am more angry with his partner really, although I know that's unfair but I just can't fathom her thought processes at all.

Would anyone on here be able to put it aside and go? I do feel guilty about letting my friend down and upsetting her and it seems like I'm the only one of our friendship group making this decision.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 21:39

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CookieDoughKid · 19/04/2016 21:40

I am with the previous poster who said I could not associate with people who are friends with a known paedophile.

Ydnbu it's vile and extremely disturbing.

TickedATeckofTicleTeppers · 19/04/2016 21:45

hy make this poor bride's day about this other guy's crime? You could have just said you were busy (too late) and instead you've set up this nasty drama where she effectively has to choose between guests.

No, the bride did when she invited the child abuser. Would drop all of them myself OP. Brides can choose the guest list when the guest list isn't a dangerous criminal.

Hmm Shock at SGB, she's come out with some doozies before but that's truly fucked up.

BoatyMcBoat · 19/04/2016 21:45

Perhaps your friend and the rest of them don't know how bad it was. Perhaps they think, like a few on this thread purport to think, that he was punished for a few dirty drawings or something.

I would be so tempted to send them each an email with a link to an informative page outlining clearly what is involved in category 5, (with s o m e o f i t spaced out so it didn't immediately fall prey to any auto blocking) with a comment like "this is what he was getting his jollies from. I shall never be anything but perturbed to have to be in the same space as him; to invite him to a traditionally family event, with children running around less well-supervised than usual as their parents think it is a safe place for them to play, is baffling."

I would find it hard to stop there, tbh, and would doubtless continue about the deceit practised on the parents of said children, being dishonest with people she loves at the start of her marriage, and so on. I would eventually end with some (mildly) sarcastic expression of how I hope they now all understand why I will not be there.

Not very dignified, I admit, but in that particular case, I'm not sure I'd care.

Anyway, op, glad you're how you are. YANBU.

For those of you who have suffered FlowersFlowers

VagueIdeas · 19/04/2016 21:45

I don't think we need to be getting into the different categories of child abuse images, do we? Surely possessing ANY images at all is indefensible?

The person I knew had an absolutely gargantuan quantity of images: tens of thousands. But because most of them were category one, that's not too bad?

Sorry, I don't buy that argument.

AddToBasket · 19/04/2016 21:46

OP, the point you are missing is not that you aren't entitled to take a strong view of this man's crime. It is that you are doing it at the expense of the bride and her wedding.

Why didn't you just say 'Sorry, can't make it'?' Or why didn't you accept but ask her quietly not to sit you anywhere near him? You have turned her wedding into a platform for your moral outrage. Really, you didn't need to do that. You could have been morally outraged on MN or anywhere else for that matter, but you've made a drama of her wedding. She was just being nice inviting you.

willselfless · 19/04/2016 21:49

SGB In the past you've been a poster I repected (and under one of my previous nn you gave me good advice on the relationships board).

However.... on this occasion you need to admit you've got it BADLY wrong and apologise.

OP Kudos to you! I know of someone you physically abused his dc and do all I can to avoid him. In your position, no way I'd go and I'd shout it from the rooftops.

GrimmauldPlace · 19/04/2016 21:49

Why should she, Add? She gave her reason for not attending. If the bride and other guests then want to defend him and expect the op to suck it up then surely they're the ones turning it in to a drama?!

Waltermittythesequel · 19/04/2016 21:50

Why should she? Why shouldn't the bride know that when she chooses to accept a scumbag like him into her life, others will choose to remove themselves.

Anything for a quiet life, is that it?

Or does the bride's special snowflake of a day take precedence over the safety of attending children?

m0therofdragons · 19/04/2016 21:51

Dh and I found out 2 of the old crowd were on the sex offender's register. We have mutual friends who don't get what our issue is with the guys. Apparently they only slept with underage teens and they were "young" and "immature" 24 year olds so it's not real paedophilia Hmm
Dh and I won't be spending any time with them ever.

LineyReborn · 19/04/2016 21:51

There's some weird fuckers on here.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 21:51

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Janecc · 19/04/2016 21:51

Omg this thread is so disturbing. I had no idea about categories. Regardless of whether it was a lesser offence or hardcore I would not want anything to do with child abusers or voyeurs of child porn. For gods sake, what is going on that some people could attack op. Thank you for being so brave and telling us this. In admiration.

willselfless · 19/04/2016 21:52

Arrghhh! who not you. What an awful typo

TaraCarter · 19/04/2016 21:52

Crikey, Add, I've seen people give more slack to men and women who refuse to attend their children's weddings if their own ex, the other parent, is there, 20 years post divorce!

Queenie73 · 19/04/2016 21:52

*OP, the point you are missing is not that you aren't entitled to take a strong view of this man's crime. It is that you are doing it at the expense of the bride and her wedding.

Why didn't you just say 'Sorry, can't make it'?' Or why didn't you accept but ask her quietly not to sit you anywhere near him? You have turned her wedding into a platform for your moral outrage. Really, you didn't need to do that. You could have been morally outraged on MN or anywhere else for that matter, but you've made a drama of her wedding. She was just being nice inviting you.*

Seriously? Really? I was just thinking that my earlier post was too liberal (can't think of the word I want, but liberal will do!) and then I read that crap!
If the OP feels that children are at risk, she has a duty to speak out about it. Niceness goes flying right out of the fucking window if it means that another person (any person, but in this instance the most vulnerable) could be harmed by being silent.

JessTitchener · 19/04/2016 21:54

Safety trumps etiquette every time.

MaddyHatter · 19/04/2016 21:54

Perhaps the OP feels that she is close enough to the Bride that she deserves to know the real reason she isn't going, and not some wishy washy made up 'there there love, its ok' excuse.

She may well not be the only person who declines, rescinds their acceptance or walks out if they see him there.

cosytoaster · 19/04/2016 21:55

It is that you are doing it at the expense of the bride and her wedding. - ffs the bride should have thought about that before inviting a paedophile - what an utterley stupid thing to post

CookieDoughKid · 19/04/2016 21:56

SGB I really hope your post was a complete joke. Absolutely shocking to read. And trying to normalise and minimise what's happened by socialising with a peodophile? God help your children if you have any.

LilacSpunkMonkey · 19/04/2016 21:57

Hold the fucking phones, I've been deleted? Seriously?

This thread is something else.

Valanice1989 · 19/04/2016 21:58

I really doubt there are many paedophiles who just stick to drawings/CGI, anyway. Looking at stuff like that would just increase their desire for the real thing. Once that boundary has been broken, it must be very tempting for them to think, "Well, the videos are out there anyway, millions of other people have already watched them, one more won't make a difference... refusing to watch the video won't undo what happened..."

AddtoBasket: I can't speak for the OP, but if I were in her position I would probably have to tell the truth because I wouldn't be able to think of a convincing lie as to why I was cancelling. It would take something pretty significant to justify accepting an invitation to a friend's wedding and then changing your mind.

MNHQ
PresidentOliviaMumsnet · 19/04/2016 21:59

Evening all
We totally get that this is obviously a heated topic.
BUT please keep the "fuck off you twats" to a minimum, yes?
And then the rest of your post won't be lost too, when we have to delete it.
Thanks

AddToBasket · 19/04/2016 21:59

I'm really not aware that I haven't answered questions. I'm honestly not trying to avoid them. However, there is a level of aggression here that is out of proportion.

The bride and groom have committed no crime, they are organising their wedding. They've decided their guest list. They invite the OP. They invite someone the OP objects to. It is their day.

If the OP or anyone else has belief that the children at the wedding are in danger they should pass that to the police. That isn't what's happening here. The OP is using someone else's day to air her views. For what actual outcome? She could have just said she was busy.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/04/2016 21:59

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