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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

211 replies

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:14

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

OP posts:
Lumpylumperson · 19/03/2016 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 19/03/2016 21:17

I don't have any advice but most mners have had their arse handed to them more than once.

Good luck with helping your dh

steff13 · 19/03/2016 21:19

Unfortunately, I don't think there is any way to make him see it.

Squeegle · 19/03/2016 21:21

It doesn't sound to me like he's fully committed to recovery....
I'm not sure you can get him to see something that is so obvious, if he's in such denial. I would be more thinking about how you can make the right choices for you so your life is not affected. Sulking and shouting is not an acceptable way to be treated in my (very humble) opinion. Do you sulk and shout at him? Why does he think he can treat you like this? Why do you accept it?

Floggingmolly · 19/03/2016 21:22

He's not in recovery if he's still smoking weed on a daily basis. Why do you define this as doing well?

Peppaismyhomegirl · 19/03/2016 21:22

It is taking drugs. I have seen first hand the affect it has on people's mental health, and also can vouch for the affect it had on mine. I am a much better person not having it in my life anymore and it does way more damage thank you could imagine. At the time, I would of argues with you that it wasn't a drug and did no harm.
I was wrong and wish I had never started using it. It wrecks lives.

CountryRoadTakeMeHome · 19/03/2016 21:26

I remember reading your last thread, maybe not start to finish. Did you say in your original thread that you "smoked" too?... Otherwise the word HYPOCRITE springs to mind.

Sincere apologies if I have misunderstood though!

abbsismyhero · 19/03/2016 21:27

he is self medicating on weed? my ex did this he "quit" pills and alcohol and only smoked weed so its okay as its "just" weed really its not okay

smoking is different its legal and does not make people psychotic (and weed can sometimes)

Original poster
YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:27

No I don't do sulking, and definitely not shouting. I'm not like that. I try to avoid any confrontation in all areas of my life. More a peacekeeper.

I define it as doing well because things have been worse and he is generally much nicer to be around.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 19/03/2016 21:29

Can you link the last thread? It's always good to get a bit of background and context.

Original poster
YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:32

Paul sorry I don't know how to.
country yes I smoke a little but not much and never on my own.

OP posts:
ClopySow · 19/03/2016 21:33

I used to smoke dope when i was younger. My ex smoked a lot more than me. I started seeing how much of an effect it had on our relationship and it really put me off. I stopped. He continued. We finished. It's a huge barrier in an emotional relationship.

He won't see it as long as you're smoking too, you'll be a hypocrite. He'll see you as a sanctimonious ex smoker if you give up and try to tell him. You are living with an addict. If he's not ready to see that, there's little you can do to change that. Stop trying to fix him and go and get yourself the help you need to move on from an addict.

CountryRoadTakeMeHome · 19/03/2016 21:38

jesse you ain't going to get through to him if you are still smoking too. Not much difference to be honest...

OhShutUpThomas · 19/03/2016 21:38

You can't really start preaching to him if you smoke it too.

If it's a problem, it's a problem for everyone. So you stop first and regain the moral high ground.

GeoffreysGoat · 19/03/2016 21:39

You can't change his behaviour

You can change your reaction to it

You can take steps to protect yourself, I would start by contacting whatever the drugs equivalent of al-anon is for some support

CountryRoadTakeMeHome · 19/03/2016 21:39

Exactly ^

Hairyfecker · 19/03/2016 21:46

I think giving up yourself would be a good way to demonstrate that you think it's serious. I take it there are no dcs involved?

Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 21:48

The problem is that drugs are like drink in that if you are addicted you cant just have the odd one.

You are expecting him to be the same as you are with weed and he simply cant do that in the same way that he cant just have a beer because he is an alcoholic.

So I agree that you need to stop smoking it, and face up to the fact that you are taking drugs too. It may not be the to same extent as him, but that is what you are doing. In that respect, he does have a point. You seem to minimising and excusing your own use, which is what he did to get himself to this point.

I suggest that you both get completely off them, its the only way it will work. If you give it up and he doesnt, then you can say that you are sick of the drugs because you have the moral high ground.

Original poster
YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:49

I know it seems hypocritical but his and my whole approach to it is different. It's a social relaxing activity for me. It doesn't affect my mood or dictate my actions. I totally hear you and honestly it was a shock for him to throw the 'well you smoke' card in my face at the mildest confrontation from me.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 19/03/2016 21:53

But dont you see that, whatever your reasons or reactions, you are legitimising smoking it by doing it yourself.

You really cant have a go at him about taking drugs when you take them yourself.

I do understand where you are coming from, but the fact is that until you remove that last defence he has, he will continue to use it as an excuse.

lorelei9 · 19/03/2016 21:54

Just trying to get context
I know someone who was a heroin addict, he was so ill on three different occasions I'm amazed he's still here
He now smokes a joint every day after work but his girlfriend doesn't worry about it bevause the bad tines were a different planet

I think we're all amazed he got off the heroin. So I'm wondering how bad your DH was in the past and how bad his smoking weed is now.

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2016 21:55

Is he in any kind of treatment programme? It would really help. He is still in denial and he needs help moving through the denial. He probably needs to regularly talk to somebody from outside your family, ideally a professional, who he can talk to honestly, who will ease him towards realising he still has a problem.

thecatfromjapan · 19/03/2016 21:56

I think it may well be the case that you will need to set up a drug free environment around him. I'm not a professional, though. Cthst is just what my intuition suggests.

Original poster
YoJesse · 19/03/2016 22:01

Yes, I totally get that until I stop he'll have that on me.
Things have been a lot worse in the past. He's more involved in family life than ever before but the previous post made me question our new normal and whether it's as great as I think it is.

Japan He attended a few aa meetings but not regularly.

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