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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

211 replies

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:14

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 20/03/2016 21:33

The problem is that you are evolving faster than your dh for your son, you can see what is appropriate and as he gets older it's harder to maintain that lifestyle.

Honestly you are coming to terms with that and your dh isn't, I wish to send you all the strength to deal with this before it gets too far, part of that is reaching a point with your dh where he picks you or the lifestyle/ drugs.

It's not easy always being the adult and you have had that role for so long that you probably don't see it, you're the adult for your son and your husband, it's exhausting.

Original poster
YoJesse · 20/03/2016 21:48

I hate being the only adult. I've been in that role since getting the positive pregnancy test. It is exhaustingand I'm not very good at it . The day we found out he got totally fucked to 'celebrate'.
I don't know where to find the strength. I just want to relax in the evening but now these thoughts aren't going away. Something is changing in my mind.

OP posts:
curren · 21/03/2016 06:16

OP well done. Changing the mindset is the hardest thing.

I amazed with the change in you. These thing stake time but you are wading in the right direction

StableYard · 21/03/2016 06:58

The problem as I see it, is that you are both druggies and until you have given up then you can't expect him to make any changes by pointing out that he uses it too.

Throwingshadeagain · 21/03/2016 07:17

Very helpful StableYard and nice use of 'druggies'. Any advice or anything constructive to say?

YoYesse - yes your eyes are opening and it's scary, uncomfortable and huge.

In my opinion you need to a) quit your drug use completely and probably alcohol use too (you need to dig deep here and be honest with yourself - I know it's daunting - only you know if it's something you can control/manage or not and whether it's true that your drinking and smoking is as 'rare' as you have insisted. I strongly suspect you can't) and b) make moves to leave your dh.

The more information you have drip fed to us the more obvious it is how big a problem he has and how he is not ready to grow up yet and can't/won't kick the addictions that could end in you losing your son.

If you leave him, he just might sort himself out. If he doesn't well at least your ds isn't in that situation anymore. If he does sort himself out, there is a chance you can make it work with him.

Him getting wrecked when you found out you were pregnant is aglaring metaphor. Hold on to that, as painful as it is, and remind yourself that you want better for your son. Don't kid yourself it was 'different' for you as the daughter of an alcoholic. That your h is not as bad, the situation isn't as bad. Your son is tiny yet and he will know when he is older and he will be affected. Your husband has been hospitalised through his drug use! Social services have been involved! Keep reminding yourself of all of this when you start to minimise.

x

Throwingshadeagain · 21/03/2016 07:44

ps a previous poster spoke of the primary addiction. His is weed. That's why you and he cannot minimise it. He might scoff and sneer at anyone saying weed is bad. It's better than drinking isn't it etc etc etc blah blah blah. But it's his base addiction, the one that lead to everything else isn't it? Not only does it impair and stop him being an engaged and safe parent but if he continues his heavy smoking it will lead to abusing another substances again (And if he's not - yet - he's just upped his weed consumption).

whois · 21/03/2016 07:56

I can't believe people are saying the OP is it's as bad as her DP because she occasionally smokes weed.

If someone occasionally drinks alcohol ie on a night out with friends, or over a nice dinner... Is that just as bad as someone who drinks to get drunk every night? No of course it isn't.

wonkylampshade · 21/03/2016 07:58

Totally unhelpful and ignorant comment by Stableyard there - epitomising one of the reasons why this emotive and sensitive subject needs a topic on MN. It'd be a fantastic resource for people like Jesse and those of us with something constructive to contribute would know where to go to offer experience and advice. AIBU is not the place for vulnerable posters in awful situations to seek support.

Please say so here if you agree and they might introduce one:

Addiction / substance dependency topic?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2508852-Addiction-substance-dependency-topic

PosieReturningParker · 21/03/2016 07:59

Call an addiction helpline xxx

wonkylampshade · 21/03/2016 08:06

OP, I don't know if any of this might be useful to read over -some of the stuff about boundaries and self care in relationships might apply..

www.rehabs.com/pro-talk-articles/common-relationship-challenges-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-and-how-to-grow-through-them/

www.heysigmund.com/when-someone-you-love-has-an-addiction/

Piemernator · 21/03/2016 08:11

I wish illegal drug taking threads were not sidetracked with the comparison with alcohol every time. As much as alcohol causes all manner of unhappiness it is not illegal.

You are realising how bad the situation is and as painful as that realisation is for you hopefully your child will ultimately have a better life.

whois · 21/03/2016 08:15

I wish illegal drug taking threads were not sidetracked with the comparison with alcohol every time. As much as alcohol causes all manner of unhappiness it is not illegal.

And I wish threads about substance use and abuse wouldn't get sidetracked with people hysterically shouting 'it's illegal you druggie".

Being addicted to weed and smoking every day is a bad bad thing for this relationship and for the child. But I really don't see how telling the OP she is 'just as bad' helps. Do you??

wonkylampshade · 21/03/2016 08:38

If we have an addiction topic, the reactionary, judgemental posters in places like AIBU are less likely to derail things every time, and Jesse's thread could maybe be moved there.

Please, sensible posters, just pop a "yes" on the following thread:

Addiction / substance dependency topic?
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/site_stuff/2508852-Addiction-substance-dependency-topic

Having been there, got the hard earned and bitter experience and come out the other side I know what a desperate place it can be.

I realise I'm labouring the point but "addiction" really really really needs to be a defined topic on this forum.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/03/2016 15:11

Problem with that wonky is that the posts will get three albeit probably not hysterical posts and on AIBU they will get way more. Certainly a few unhelpful ones but also lots of sensible ones too.

Original poster
YoJesse · 21/03/2016 21:36

Thanks for ongoing responses. I haven't lefy the thread just had a shitty day. I was very much still reading and taking on board.
Please anyone that read sign lampshade talk list on the link. It's a really good idea.
It needs to be a separate topic.

OP posts:
LionsLedge · 21/03/2016 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
YoJesse · 21/03/2016 22:22

Thanks lion things are changing in my mind but softly softly. things don't even out overnight. I haven't psmoked weed since Friday night so it's not a nightly thing. A lot of such good advice from lovely people is helping but as I said before I hate confrontation.

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 22/03/2016 10:06

How are you doing Jesse? Did you give any thought to getting some counselling for yourself?

Original poster
YoJesse · 22/03/2016 10:18

Yes definitely. I've been on the adfam website too. Any particular type of counselling you found helpful like CBT or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
YoJesse · 22/03/2016 10:19

I'm feeling better today thanks

OP posts:
wonkylampshade · 22/03/2016 10:32

Mine was through cross reach - the woman I saw was great. She gave me clarity and strength and really helped me to recognise the horrible dynamics at play in my relationship at the time. I was basically being forced into the position of the responsible adult and he was almost like a self indulgent spoiled child in a way...

Every time I tried to talk to him about our situation he kicked off and accused me of having pnd, being unsupportive, minimised what he was doing. You name it, I was accused of it! He'd have done anything to keep his sweet situation I suppose: him using, spending cash on drugs - me keeping our home going financially and enabling him by making everything look OK to family and friends.

She was a great counsellor - approached me on a level and never made me feel pitied or weak. She gave me my confidence back. She left to go on maternity leave eventually and I went back to her replacement who looked at me oozing with sympathy and big eyes and I never went back!

wonkylampshade · 22/03/2016 10:34

Why don't you see if there's anyone you can go and talk to. Might give you some perspective on your situation.

Original poster
YoJesse · 22/03/2016 10:37

I looked up cross reach but it only came up with stuff in Scotland. I could be wrong though. Sounds like a good resource.

OP posts:
Throwingshadeagain · 22/03/2016 13:18

Sorry to address others on this thread and not OP for a moment, but just a couple of points:

Of course people can smoke weed or drink booze in moderation and without being addicted.

It's frustrating that many people seem to think that posters like myself are Pollyannas who think all weed smoking must mean 'addict'. I soooo don't - believe me! What I do think is that OP is and has minimised her own use...a lot. This goes back to the previous thread where she posted absolutely blotto and things didn't quite ring true (sorry OP).

It's not helpful for posters to say 'oh ignore the ignorant pearl clutters'. Because either OP has a more dysfunctional relationship with substances than she's ready to admit, or even if she's not she really must make steps to quit completely - given that her dh is an addict, given that he's allegedly trying to get clean and given that social services have already been involved.

Hope you are ok Jesse.

Iggi999 · 22/03/2016 13:33

Crossreach are run by the Church of Scotland. Does the C of E do anything similar? (The counselling isn't religious)

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