To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

[YoJesse]

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

I'm ambivalent about weed. If it's helping him deal with his alcoholism then why not? Does he function OK? work etc?

I'm ok thanks throwingshade. At the end of the last thread it was the day after the night before and I was scared, paranoid and feeling like such a loser that yes I downplayed how much I drink and smoke myself (but I think you know this anyway).
It is a lot less than dh but a bit more frequent than I said. I am going to address this. I still absolutely promise ds was not about that night.
Thanks for clearing that up iggi I'll see if c of e does something similar.

Matt have you actually read the thread?

And are you saying that smoking weed cures alcoholism?

Keep going OP, sounds like you are on the right track.

It doesn't matter in what context you use it in. You are still using the same drug for the same effect it has on you, so as far as he sees it --. you have no right to tell him not to. Actually sounds reasonable to me.

Stop completely, take the moral high ground and show him, if you can do it, so can he.

This any use OP? Services for everyone affected by addiction, directly and within families:

www.addaction.org.uk

If he is a member of AA then he will know that dope smoking is not included in the definition of sobriety. If he's smoking dope he's not clean and sober- he needs to go to NA but you're not the person to tell him. Why don't you read some AA literature- available online - look at partners of alcoholics.

Also you could go to Al-anon who will help you and provide support. Good luck

Thanks jojo. He knows, I know. Been reading helpful links from lampshade today and even found an alanon group just round the corner tonight. But it's a bit of a leap and also I can't think of a good reason that I'd be leaving the house for however long in the evening. So next week I'll go.

That's great you've taken those steps Jesse. By saying you can't think of a good reason to be out the house for long, you mean you don't want dh to know you are going? How are things between you, is he still smoking and drinking? Are you talking about things or are you kind of in your own head at the moment? Don't worry about answering that if you don't want to talk about it.

Hey throwingshade yes I don't want him to know I'm going. I didn'tgo. I'm a bit in my own head like you said. You understand a lot. He's still smoking and started drinking a small amount again. I'm going to start meetings next week.

Op, also google DAAT services for your local council.

Thanks will do that. Thanks for al being patient with me. I've had a little drink and smoke tonight. I'll be honest. It for me just a tool to relax. I'm just going to be honest though.

Being honest is good. It can be a bit of a journey but honesty is where it starts. I have found DAAT really helpful so far. You've taken your first steps, you will progress!

I think everything will get better. He was on the phone to his mum tonight. This is good

It'll start to get better when you take some practical steps to get rid of drugs from your life and your son's life Jesse. Make a promise to yourself that you'll pick up the phone tomorrow and access some drug counselling.

You're halfway there in your mind already, which is huge. Don't put it off tomorrow, just pick up the phone and do it.

I've got a bit high tonight which I know is stupid, just weed though. I don't want to go to any type of counselling I'd I've taken anything. Shit, why do I bring myself down to his level. This really isn't me. He convinces me every time but it's my problem.

It is your problem. He's started drinking again so that is going to get much worse very quickly. And stop toking. If you can't stop, get help.

Sorry, that read badly. Things are still good but yes he's drinking a little again. I really wanted to be the person that went to the meeting tonight, not the fuck up that stayed at home

So next time be that person. Because you know this one is miserable.

And, I'm twenty years in the addictions and social work game... drinking a little turns into drinking a lot. If he could control it, he wouldn't have developed a drinking problem in the first place.

That's why he shouldn't have been using; because he wasn't in recovery.

I will be. Iwant to be. For my son more than anything else. I know now. We're seeing his family next week. So I think things will come to a head.

Getting and staying clean is really hard if you're in a relationship with someone who uses.

For my son more than anything else. No. For you, you numpty. You deserve a happy life; freedom from this cobblers. Because as long as you think you aren't worth saving, you won't save yourself. Your son will be OK when you are.

Just find a way to get out and get help.

Accessing help whilst you are using is the best way, you just need to find the right service for you.

I do understand, I did a stint at a service 4 years ago which just didn't suit me as I hadn't stopped drinking and it just made me feel like a fraud, guilty, anxious, a fuck up. Which just drove me to drink more.

But you keep looking and you'll find the right one.

I didn't read or partake in your prev thread but that sounds really difficult for you I am a 'weed widow', the love of my life chose it over me. I think for very heavy smokers it is incredibly hard to cut down and when they try to they can find the real world scary and stressful. Ymmv but also it seems to be more socially acceptable to be stoned in the daytime than drunk, because I think that it's not always obvious if someone's had a smoke? If they present as 'far out' or whatever people assume it's their personality not because they're stoned! (So not really socially acceptable, but easier to gwt away with!) Sorry am rambling a bit! Feel free to PM me tho x

Thanks. That makes sense mtstp you've given me great advice under a previous user name before.
If I'd thought of a good excuse id really would have gone tonight..

Take up Pilates, power walking, religion or volunteering if you need an excuse. Or just tell him the truth; that you are worried and need support. What do you think would happen if you told him the truth?