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AIBU?

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Original poster

To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

211 replies

YoJesse · 19/03/2016 21:14

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

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Original poster
YoJesse · 22/03/2016 23:14

maximum you not rambling at all., it makes sense to me!!!

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Original poster
YoJesse · 22/03/2016 23:22

I think our carefully constructed reality would come crashing down. Easter is just around the corner. Staying with inlaws and then on to my family. Dreading ir

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MaximumHoldMousse · 23/03/2016 00:09

Heh, thanks glad it makes sense Smile I'd be inclined to maybe leave it till after these holidays have passed and you are back to normal. If you're all going away and seeing family it's likely that it'll cause extra tension anyway, without having the extra stress of quitting smoking.
Re-reading ur original post..
I had all sorts of arguments with my ex about quitting and got all sorts of arguments back! So just to warn you. The hardest for me to deal with was 'you have a problem with me smoking but you're on antidepressants, they're both mind-altering drugs!' Obvs only one of which was illegal.. and being taken under medical supervision.. etc. Mental gymnastics ensued! Basically I think like any drug (alcohol, nicotine) the person really needs to want to stop themself. Otherwise it is virtually impossible to stop. From re-reading your post I can't really tell if he wants to at this stage? So just to warn you it may be a hard slog, though of course worthy!! Does ur husband have friends he smokes with? Is heavily invested in stoner culture? I remember with my ex on the times when he did cut down he had to avoid the people he usually smoked with to avoid temptation. Maybe suggest this to your DH as well?

Throwingshadeagain · 23/03/2016 06:27

Hey Jesse.

Don't beat yourself up for getting stoned last night BUT do see it as yet more proof that you are powerless (I'm not using AA or NA jargon per se, but it's just the most apt way of putting it. I'm not in either organisation.).

Whether it's powerless to substances, to him, to the situation, it's almost kind of irrelevant, it's a toxic dynamic and one you have (both to an extent) tried to stop but failed because you have an addict at the heart of it all. So what I mean is the time for 'oh my god does this mean I'm addicted too or I'm part of the problem?' hand wringing is unnecessary - yes you have a problem too whichever way you look at it, the time for wondering about that is gone.

As others have said and you know very well (though that little voice in you is still saying 'maybe this time he really can cut down/keep at these levels') the 'drinking a little' will become 'drinking a lot'. He isn't and never was in recovery. He doesn't want to be, he is nowhere near that point. Once again, this is why until he cuts out the primary addiction i.e. weed it will always lead to booze, more weed, coke, pills, more weed...hospitalisation...social services... you know the rest.

Keep thinking, keep planning, keep listening to those instincts that know what you have to do. x

Costacoffeeplease · 23/03/2016 06:47

It's not a good sign that he's drinking, even just a little, he can't control it, it will get worse. It's good that you're planning getting to a meeting, hopefully it will set you on the right track to getting free of this situation

wonkylampshade · 23/03/2016 09:53

How are you feeling this morning Jesse?

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 10:34

A bit stupid tbh. I know I need to take action and I think that starts with me.
You've all given me some great recourses
nightshade has nailed it really. I know there's a problem and the time for dithering over the situation and saying what shall I do is over. I've been given the info and I've just got to take the plunge. The idea of actually leaving is so big and so scary and when he hasn't done anything shitty for a while it seems so extreme. And of course I love him so there's that!

I'm calling alanon later and I've had a look at DAAT.

I'm not an addict myself but I just keep making stupid mistakes. The day starts with me feeling a bit shit and I think right this isn't healthy, then by the evening I feel differently and have a drink or two. Usually that's it and I'm happy to stop there. Then a few days/weeks go by and I have another night where I drink a bit more and then a smoke and then I wake up feeling shit again. I had absolutely no problem not drinking /smoking whilst I was pregnant and breastfeeding so I know it's not addiction. Just habit. I want to cut it out to eliminate the 'well you smoke and drink too' argument. But tbh I enjoy it. Otherwise I wouldn't do it.

Sorry for the rambling post Grin

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wonkylampshade · 23/03/2016 10:51

Good luck with making that call. See if you can do it sooner rather than later - I know it's hard but you won't regret it.

And don't feel daft. It's so easy to fall into the pattern of anaesthetising yourself - you're protecting yourself in some ways, from having to deal with the tough reality of your situation.

Only you can pick up the phone and each out for help. Wishing you lots of strength and resolve for every positive step you take today! Thanks

KinkyAfro · 23/03/2016 11:42

YoJessie, you are an addict

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 11:56

No, I'm not. Did you read my last post?

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KinkyAfro · 23/03/2016 13:08

So why don't you give up then? You've quoted a few times about your son and you don't want him growing up in this environment, so do something about it.

I just find it all a bit sad that grown adults sit around smoking weed, especially when there's kids around. That's just my opinion, obviously a lot of other posters disagree

Hairyfecker · 23/03/2016 13:37

Where does habit end and addiction begin? Despite being in the midst of this at the moment, you only lasted a few days before smoking again. That sounds pretty close to addiction to me. The pg thing is a red herring.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2016 18:29

Jesse, you are still in massive denial. The fact that you smoked again in the middle of all the support you have been getting on this thread and all the revelations you are supposed to have undergone is very telling.

You can't give it up, or you would have by now. Giving it up during doesn't count. You know there is an endpoint when you can indulge again.

More indicative is to be able to stop when there is no "reward" or being able to do it again when it suits.

AnyFucker · 23/03/2016 18:30

during pregnancy

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 19:12

But the support I've been getting is about my dh and his issues. It's been the kick I need and I've even spoken with an alanon volunteer this afternoon.

I don't Want to stop having the occasional spliff because I like it. I do want to stop because then his argument that 'well you smoke and drink too ' would become invalid. But if someone is eating a cake in front of you and your on a diet but you eat some it's just being weak minded not addicted.

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callitdelta7 · 23/03/2016 19:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KinkyAfro · 23/03/2016 19:34

So you're putting the drugs before your son then?

By not being willing to give it up is sending the wrong message to your partner. Why should he be expected to give up when you can't be arsed either.

Some role models your son has, poor kid deserves better

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 19:54

Wow, thanks for that Hmm.
I am willing to give it up but fucked up last night. I know I fucked up and will try not to again. Bad habits do not equal addiction.

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Lunar1 · 23/03/2016 20:00

You are a addict, things are so messy in your life right now that if you could just stop, you would.

wonkylampshade · 23/03/2016 20:20

I'm so sorry, I know you're feeling under fire Jesse but in your circumstances this is so much more than "fucking up". You must know that yourself. My heart goes out to you. I know the situation you are in and it's unbelievably hard to lift yourself out of it - but you know yourself things have to change, and I still admire you for coming back to ask for advice and support.

Well done for calling AlAnon today - are you going to go and talk to someone?

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 20:26

lampshade thanks so much for being so patient with me. I was so pissed off with myself this morning. and I felt rough as shite too.
I know this has to stop.

The volunteer was a lovely woman who has a (sober now) alcoholic husband so we chatted and she told me about the group I was going to go to last night. She recommends I speak to my gp about getting counseling so that's going to be the next move I make.

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wonkylampshade · 23/03/2016 20:51

That's good news and one step in the right direction. I was going to ask earlier if your GP knows everything that's going on in your life at the moment up thread but got waylaid!

Does your SW fully understand the situation you're in? I mean, they obviously know your DH has a serious problem, but do they know you're also struggling?

I want to tell you that at my lowest ebb I started downing a bottle of wine every night - I'm not a big drinker so that was a lot for me. I stopped when I began to open a second bottle when it was finished, because I knew I was developing a problem. I was basically using it as a crutch because the situation I was in was pretty much unbearable. At the time I was telling myself it was him with the problem - but looking back I was developing my own problem! It was partly to do with not coping. Stereotypical really. Only you know the full extent of your relationship with drugs and alcohol, but I think you'd acknowledge its not a healthy one, however you'd define it.

Original poster
YoJesse · 23/03/2016 21:26

No, gp and sw don't know I'm struggling (as far as I know). I know what you mean by anaesthetising yourself. I don't get to the point where I'm not fit to look after ds but do realise that it's more than I should. Weirdly if we are at a wedding or something similar I'm usually the most sober person ther because I'm on high alert for dh fucking about. It's when I'm at home I just want to relax and block it all out.

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AnyFucker · 24/03/2016 00:13

You need drugs to relax and block it out

By your own admission you have a problem of your own, Jesse

AnyFucker · 24/03/2016 00:15

How long ago was your first thread ?

A couple of weeks at most. You used during the course of that thread too. Stop lying to yourself.