To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

[YoJesse]

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

It is horrible, and I sympathise. You're being brave in engaging with it all. I wish you luck.

Where I live weed is technically legal (medical usage). I feel it should be regulated the same as alcohol. And just like alcohol, some people can use it with no problem, others cannot. If you're able to smoke a bit with no problems, I'm good with that. EXCEPT that you are living with someone who apparently cannot. I truly believe that if you are living with an addict one of the worst things you can do is use the substance they're addicted to, be it weed or alcohol, around them.

My brother is a recovering alcoholic, I do not drink in front of him nor will I go around him if I've been drinking. If he were a recovering pothead, I wouldn't smoke in front of him or be stoned around him.

If you want him to stop, you need to stop, too.

Are you actually going to take/enact the advice you're being given?

You were given plenty of really good advice on the other thread none of which you seem to have taken. Your child was exposed to drug paraphernalia and dealers and you have ss involvement yet you're still minimising and denying the issues.

The best thing you can do is leave this addict and get clean yourself.

Thanks sleep, its like trying to see clearly through fog.

acrossthepond I agree. He's very good at tempting me into having a smoke with him
. It is only now I'm seeing it as an issue so this is all brand new to me. I've been around normalised, daily weed smoking for all my adult life so it takes quite a shift in my thinking. Does that make sense ?

Yes bacon I really am taking advice on board. Nothing is ever as simple as LTB in real life though. I know I've fucked up. The fact I've actually brought it up with dh is proving I'm taking advice on board.

Totally makes sense.

I was around it from my early to mid teens. I saw it as completely normal until about 10 years ago. I smoked daily for 15 years. I still have friends who do. I wouldn't touch it now, not because I'm dead set against it, just because it hold absolutely no interest for me.

You cant fix him. Leave.
If he still wants a wife and kids he can clean up his act and stop being such a man child.

So you now see it's not normal but you are willing to have your son grow up around adults smoking weed thus making him see it as normal. And so the cycle continues.
For the sake of your son leave! It doesn't have to be forever, if your dh gets clean great if not then you know what he cares about the most.
My dh's family smoke a lot of weed, isn't a problem according to them. However the cousin that was a heroin addict at 18 and the cousin that has been arrested under the influence numerous times prove that it was a problem.
Stop enabling him and put your ds first.

Sure it does. Just like someone raised in a family of drinkers wouldn't necessarily see drinking daily as an issue. The difference being that weed (in most places) is considered as 'illegal' and the focus is on the criminal aspect. Alcohol is legal and therefore 'ok'. But both are equally dangerous if the 'imbiber' can't handle them.

cricket I don't want the cycle to continue at all. Im already uncomfortable about dh smoking in front of him. Not indoors but in the park etc.
If I'm too scared to rock the boat by bringing up weed as a negative subject how the hell could I be brave enough to leave?

Hi Jesse. I'm glad you've posted again, and how different your tone is. As hard as the process is, it sounds like you're on your way.

I posted on your thread here and in relationships - have been thinking of you.

It does sound like he's not ready to quit, his over reaction screams of that. He is becoming abusive because you are challenging his addiction. It is okay for you to decide that you have reached your limit. You need to think of your DS here. Because he will be impacted.

I'd really suggest, like others have, that you both have some input from professionals, and if he won't join you, then make sure you access yourself. Also, as you have become aware of the co-dependant side of your relationship (well done. x) then maybe seeking out some abuse support as well.

You need to talk to someone, get some help yourself. I'm sure that NA or a substance abuse counsellor would point you in the right drection. You have had the strength to cope thus far. You have admitted there is a problem. This shows strength. Your dh anger is not your fault it's the addiction. Whatever you choose to do, you have shown strength to get this far.
Ask for help in rl. And put you and your son first. You can break the cycle if you want too.

You'll get the strength when you realise that to not find the strength will be to choose this loser that you are afraid of over your son.

Thanks voldy for all your support. Yes, getting support and advice in RL is definitely the next step. But it's a big one. I've put so much effort into creating and maintaining the image of a happy new family to friends and family I'm dreading it all crashing down around me.

If I'm too scared to rock the boat by bringing up weed as a negative subject how the hell could I be brave enough to leave?

Well, you did say:

I look at my tiny son and just think there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for him.

So I suppose what you have to ask yourself is: did you mean it.

Focus on your child, that really does make it easier to make hard decisions. But in a positive way, imagine him growing up in a healthy drug and alcohol free environment with you both relaxed and content in a home without any of this stress. Imagine how proud you'll be of yourself not normalising addiction for him. It's also possible it would be the kick his father needs to get properly clean too (though I would not depend on that).

Don't imagine it 'crashing' imagine a wall that's a barrier to your and your sons happiness and each step you take is a brick off the top of the wall tillmits low enough for you both to climb over and escape? You don't have to tell friends first, tell support workers, hcps, professionals that once it's dealt with you don't need to speak to again and certainly not socialise with.

Well done Op there has been a massive change in attitude from the beginning of your other thread.

Your dp is not in recovery. He has swopped one addiction for another. He isn't committed to keeping off alcohol with really is he? Not going to meetings? As I remember he did some really shitty stuff around your son too.

You seem to working your way out of being an enabler.

I can only repeat the advice before. For the sake of your son he needs to go. Recover then look at coming back. You can't save or change him. Your son needs to be your priority.

Cross reach provided the counselling I went to Jesse:

www.crossreach.org.uk/

I was initially pretty sceptical, but if you get the right person it can be life changing.

I can totally understand what you're saying about creating and maintaining the fiction of the happy family. I did exactly that...the pressure was enormous at times and I found myself covering up and smoothing over all sorts of things to hide what was in reality a stressful and abnormal situation.

Honestly, the times I made cheery excuses to leave family gatherings or social situations because I could sense and see he was like a cat on a hot tub roof.

Truthfully, when things finally did start to unravel nobody was surprised. Everyone knew things weren't right, even if they didn't know the detail.

Do your family know about the drugs?

Yeah, I'm the family's PR woman .
Oh God I've dreaded weddings etc. Every time it ends badly. My family are much further away than his so have kept things hidden from them (I think)!
I'm going to look seriously at counseling, meetings etc tonight. I think I got really put off as a teen being made to go to something called al a teen which was basically alanon for kids. (my Dad had a drink problem). Cold church halls and weak tea ugh!

Hi OP

I think you're brave for coming back , but far more pertinently brave to face up to the fact that your home is not a healthy one for your son at the moment.

I'm going to say something harsh.

I feel strongly and instinctively that you have a substance problem too. You might dismiss that as the hysterical pearl-clutching words of a middle class Mumsnetter who thinks smoking a joint or getting rat arsed sometimes is shocking and a sign of addiction (you would be far off the mark!).

You compare yourself favourably with your dh and other 'much worse' smokers, drinkers, drug takers and think you're ok. But deep down you know.

Your son wasn't at a family members house when you were shit faced on your last thread and you hadn't gone out. It wasn't 'rare' but in your mind it was because you probably struggle with days off, days on, different ways of managing it and it felt rare at the time.

My best guess is you were drinking and puffing with your husband as he/you had decided it was ok to have a blow out as you had both been 'good' and he was 'recovering'.

I think this is one of the main reasons why you can't or don't know how to deal with dh who has a worse problem.

I think his family see the both of you as co-dependant substance abusers and they despair.

Many of us on this thread know about addiction whether it's a family member, themselves, whether it's heroin or cigarettes. We know very well the minimising and denial. I myself do.

"It doesn't affect my mood or dictate my actions."

It will you know, that why people smoke it.

I think you find it hard to talk to your dh about using weed because you do it too.

You need to stop first, then think about where you want to go from there.

If you grew up with a Dad who drank, then I don't need me to explain what it's like to be the child in that kind of family.

Op if your smoking really is sociable then it shouldn't be too difficult to give it up. You will at least then add strength to your argument against it when you're able to say 'yes and I gave up' in response. The fact that he's able to 'tempt' you into smoking it with him is enabling him to minimise everything.

The reason you avoid conflict is because you've lived with an addiction for such a long time. Behind all the alcohol and drugs they may well be a good person, but addiction such as this is often accompanied by some form of emotional abuse when the addict is on a come down or having a hangover. Your dh's 'sulking' when you raise a valid point (albeit one that is undermined by your own snoking) is a symptom of this. You are enabling his behaviour, but I think you know that.

If you're insistent upon helping him then I'm afraid you need to give up smoking in the first instance to prove to him that you view it as a huge problem in your lives. I suspect he is not ready to see it as a problem and will spout lots of 'I've given up so much and come so far, you're now trying to take away the last little bit of fun I allow myself'. You then need to find your own boundaries and make a decision: is his smoking enough of an impact on you and (most importantly) your child to make you leave him? Or is it something you're willing to continue to enable?

Just out of interest, has anyone else close to you in the past had addictions like this - close family relatives etc? This is often a pattern that repeats itself if you've always been exposed to it and no action was taken. I too recommend getting some support for yourself through al anon.

How's your relationship with your family? Would you consider moving to be closer to them?

God, the weddings...I have been there and back - have the t-shirt and then some!

It's amazing how you can slowly be drawn in to a situation where you are the "cover". You're your dh's cover story...he can do what he likes because you're dashing around making everything look acceptable from the outside, or so you and he think. His family obviously know the score and openly show what they think. I reckon you'd be surprised how many other people have a pretty good idea of what's going on too.

See if you can go and talk to someone through adfam or cross reach or whatever services are in your area. When I went, I was able to take my dd along and she was looked after by two old ladies for an hour. I remember she was once looked after alongside a slightly older girl who was very obviously neglected . That was a poignant moment because I realised they were both essentially there for the same reasons.

I used to smoke a bit with XP in the early days, before I went through the same realisation you're going through now. I don't know if you have your own drug problem or not but it might be something to carefully consider. You're in a situation where your benchmarking is way off, and while what you're doing might be negligible compared to your DH, it might be worrying compared to the vast majority of other people.

Which other drugs has he been taking, out of interest?

Sorry op, just seen that your dad does have a drink problem which unfortunately supports my point.

I say all of this as the daughter of a man with a drink problem.