To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

[YoJesse]

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

Hope you and DS have a happy Easter, Jesse.

That's the plan lampshade. Easy to say now and I hope I won't let myself down.

Happy Easter sleeponeday and everyone.

Happy Easter to you too Jesse, hope you and your little boy have a hassle free weekend.

Hi Jesse, just checking in - wondering how your weekend was?

Hi lampshade I hope you had a good easter. mine was incident free but wasn't exactly a nice family holiday. He drank far less than he would usually but was sullen and irritable most of the time. Not sure where to go from here. Got alanon tonight so hoping that will help.

Hope it goes well tonight for you - I used to get a lot of moods, sullen behaviour and silent treatment. Is it directed at you, or just in general?

It's especially for me. He'll be slagging off a member of my family to me and making me worry he's going to start an argument with them so I do the calming him down routine (kind of like when he's really high/drunk) to avoid a scene. Not as tense this time as he was relatively sober. To his credit he was really involved with ds throughout the weekend. Getting up in the morning, playing with him etc.

He's controlling you with his moods - it's just the same dynamic as a sulking/tantrumming, spoiled child and parent when you break it all down. He's blaming you because he's not getting the indulgences he wants and believes he's entitled to.

I've gone through the same realisation you are going through and it's deeply unattractive.. He's making an effort in the Dad department but why does doing something so normal and average earn him brownie points? Only because he's such an intrinsically poor father. Think about the situation he's putting you and DS in - DS has a social worker because of him.

How was AlAnon last night? Does he know you went, and was it a group setting type of thing?

Yeah, it's not pretty. Just wished I could have had these realisations a couple of years back when ds was tiny and he was being a really nasty fucker. It's just confusing now that in comparison he's so much nicer now but it's now I'm (almost) ready to take action. I know you xh used to tell you he resented you getting pregnant, well mines never said it but his actions (as in behaving like he had no child or responsibility after 6pm definitely felt like it). I remember begging him not to go out again when ds was about 6 weeks old and not sleeping in the night and him getting really close and kind of angrily whispering 'i can do what I fucking want, I'm on fucking holiday' then I didn't see him till the early hours. I can't imagine him doing that now. All these little memories are resurfacing and making me realise how angry and hurt I still am.

On a positive note. I haven't smoked anything for a week and havn't drank at all for a few days. Alanon was good but it was a group thing and I didn't really want to talk. Interestingly a lot of the people there weren't much worse off than me. I imagined real horror stories but they were just life stories were alcohol was messing up family life. I'm going back next week.

Good job Jesse. Sounds like you're making progress

His moods could be resentment that he can't use as much as he wants, or controlling you or him being a 'dry drunk' who has cut down but done no work on himself so all the patterns are still there.

Just remember, his shitty moods are his, they don't belong to you.

Well done Jesse, you're taking such steady steps. Glad the meeting was useful too and well done on cutting back on your own use.

Some of what you're saying about you'd DH is resonating so strongly with me - I used to get the face to face, low voice, snarled statements too...almost presented like a threat in some ways. I'm so glad to be away from that man, I think about how my life could have turned out every single day. It really was in a steady downward trajectory despite his empty and ultimately insincere "attempts" to sort himself out.

I don't have the professional experience MrsTP has, but her posts are always insightful on this subject!