To actually ask for your advice after being such a twat on my last post?

[YoJesse]

I recently got my arse handed to me on aibu after thinking my inlaws were being unreasonable around dh's 'recovery' from drink and drugs. He's still doing well but smoking a lot of weed daily. After taking advice from the last thread I got up the courage to question him on it and phrased it differently as in.I'd usually say smoking weed daily and instead called it 'taking drugs daily'. Well, he went crazy saying 'how could I call it that, it's not taking drug's and kind of angrily taking the piss out of me, telling me 'well then you take.drugs too,'(I smoke way, way less than him) and finally I was treated to a long sulk. All of this plus posters advice has made me think actually the weed smoking is a problem but I don't know how to get him to see it.

Any help or advice greatfully received.

Having "the occasional spliff" might mean 3 or 4 times a year at parties. You have that every week. It's not occasional use, just because it's less than your dh I think that is making it hard for you to see it for what it is. Good luck with the changes you are planning to make

I agree - how you're seeing it is relative to someone whose drug use is extreme. Doesn't mean there's no problem with your own use - but I think you do know that. Call it what you like, there's a dependency there.

When you spoke to AlAnon was it in the context of trying to address DH's addiction issues?

I'd still really encourage you to get some drug counselling, leaving DH aside. He's not interested in stopping, so you need to concentrate on yourself. The positive thing in all this is that your mindset is shifting - so focus on that above all else.

Ok, this is all a bit awful. I hate to think people think I'm not looking after my son properly. I am.

I know it's stupid but I thought smoking a couple of times a week or every now and then would not be a problem. Like people have said before maybe my compass is a bit screwed. if I was concerned about my own habits I'd always look at alcohol first but I know I'm smoking and drinking more than I used to. Not to the point I'm not fit to care for dh.
If I get help for this I'd feel like a bit of a fraud and the drug counselors would be a bit 'do you really think we have time to deal with you when we've got people with bigger problem's.'
There's a local DAAT service in our area. Will call them after work. Please don't think your advice isn't going in, it really is.

That's meant to be Ds (Freudian slip? )

Nobody said you needed to get yourself into rehab immediately

But if your "occasional" smoke and few scoops is not a problem then why not just stop. To prove it to yourself, and make sure you cannot be accused of being a hypocrite.

You can't though, can you ?

Having said all that, if you were asking for my advice going forward it would be to jettison your addict husband.

Life's too short to try and fix someone else. Look to your own situation.

He has to see it as a problem himself, and it's hard to get him to see that if he doesn't want to. I know from experience with my ex that smoking weed so regularly does have an effect on the person long term. It makes them more edgy and anxious, which means they fly off the handle quite often, and for no reason. I would have my ex start arguments because of the way I breathed, literally. He'd start accusing me of clearly having something to say so I should just spit it out, yet it would just be a bit of a sigh after a yawn. He worked different shifts each week, so if I asked what time he was due home at night, I'd be accused of trying to keep tabs on him, when I told him I just wanted to know hat time I just wanted to put tea on, he'd accuse me of dictating to his time and his life. Things were bad and he refused to see it, because as far as he was concerned 'weed has never been proven to kill'.
You say you smoke it yourself occasionally? Personally it's not something I do myself, however I don't judge you as a hypocrite in this situation. Occasionally drinking alcohol doesn't really do much harm, however if you drank it in excess every night then it is a very different matter, and that is the difference between yourself and your DH right now, although I do think you should consider giving up all together yourself to help him in quitting, if he's willing to do so; this has been proven to help aid alcoholics when they stop drinking.
But honestly, if he doesn't want to stop, then perhaps you may need to decide if he's worth all the crap he's putting on you.

You're in a situation here where your little boy is being taken to the park by a dad who smokes a spliff while he's having a play. He's picked up a grinder at home and now has a social worker because his dad was hospitalised through drugs. Did you also say his dad passed out once while holding him? You're also drinking and smoking to the point where you can't type properly - that's happened twice on your threads. I'm so sorry but by definition, he's not in a safe situation while you and his dad are using drugs. During a mediation session about access, my ex once argued till he was blue in the face, with real conviction, that he should be allowed sole responsibility for our daughter while he was on heroin. Heroin! Because "he would never let anything happen to her". If it wasn't so frightening, it'd have been laughable.

Don't feel a fraud asking to access those services. They're there for people with drug and alcohol problems: you have a drug and alcohol problem.

My ultimate advice would also be to walk away from your DH. Concentrate on yourself and your boy. Not on mediating between your DH and the rest of the world - drugs steal, pure and simple. He's letting you rush around creating an empty myth around a family that only you are showing any commitment to. You deserve so much better Jesse, and so does your wee boy.

When things are bad I've imagined leaving him and visualised it in a really positive way. But then things improve and I almost forget the feelings that made me so angry and sad.
fpmd all of your post sounds achingly familiar except we barely argue as I've become really good at knowing what pisses him off and do my best to reduce those factors in our life. I know that's not a solution but I cant do confrontation and shake /cry if I do. Also somehow I always end up in the wrong and I'll say stuff I don't mean or apologise just to end it.
anyfucker I'm going to see how Easter is as it's going to be the first time for him socialising since he 'quit'. If he fucks it all up and gets really drunk and stoned in front of his family then I'll have to make steps to leave. Some of them have already told me to leave before so I'd have their support. Fuck I'm dreading the weekend.

I almost forget the feelings that made me so angry and sad.

Wold that be before or after you have been smoking/getting pissed with him ?

That was a bit mean, I am sorry.

You're not a fraud to be accessing help for yourself :) It's the honest & constructive thing to do.

I was in residential rehab for a month. I was drinking too much, and for the wrong reasons (to ignore the unbearable). It is truthful to say I wasn't "as addicted" as the rest of my group. This simply means I was lucky to be sent early!

They have a saying that addiction's like a lift that only goes down ... a very, very long way down. Some folks, like you and me, manage to get out at an early floor. Not so many stairs to climb back up to normality!

We are the lucky ones. The lift's stopping. Get the hell out!

I think it's called "hope"! You need to focus your hope on a better life for yourself and DS though, as trust me - this guy is not going to change. All you're doing for him is covering up how bad things are, and I'm willing to bet everyone knows how rotten the situation is anyway, despite your efforts.

In the kindest possible way, you have to stop kidding yourself here and try your best to see your situation for what it is.

Perfect analogy from GarlicShake.

yep

I suggest you step off that elevator and not let the actions of somebody else take you right down to the basement

You're a mumsnet legend, don't worry I can take it
lampshade I think we were posting at the same time. You're being harsh but honest. Yes written down like that it doesn't look good. I'll call DAAT tonight for myself and sort that out first. This post has gone in a direction I didn't expect.

I know you probably think it's irrelevant but that first night ds really wasn't there and the second night I wasn't off my face, just a bit tipsy. I know that sounds like minimising but I really don't want people to think I'd ever be a danger to ds.

The thing is, everyone else can see it in - and underneath all your posts - Jesse. You can't kid kidders. Many people on this thread know and understand addiction and denial only too well. I knew from your first thread you were minimising your own use.

Someone who is in such a serious situation (your dh's addictions, hospitalisation, social service involvement) would stop smoking in a shot... if they could. Because while you still smoke and drink, your h's chances of sobriety are nil and your chances of jeopardising your son's childhood are high. Pretty good reason to give up something that 'you just like' and that 'relaxes' you I'd think? But no you will carry on because it's just a harmless habit...right?

I was also going to say that not using during pregnancy is a red herring. Addicts can and do give up for weeks and months, if they know there is an end point.

Jesse I have Mumsnetted 'a bit tipsy' dozens and dozens of times (name changer of 10 years) - you were absolutely blotto. That alone shows me your denial.

Whilst you're in the middle of this mess your perceptions and gauge of what's ok and acceptable are deeply skewed. How sad that you're dreading a long weekend bank holiday - Easter - family time, most people dread going back to work, not a fun weekend off

You need to get yourself clean and sober, and you need to ditch your spare part of a husband - previously you said you'd do anything to protect your son - easy to say, now's the time to do it

I don't mean to sound so callous and blunt, but you are currently in an abusive relationship. You watch everything you do or say so as not to set him off and that is not a way to live your life, and certainly not a way for your child to grow up. I was the exact same, and it's only when my mum told me straight that I started to actually see it. I can tell you want the best for your child, the fact that you're on here asking people for opinions and guidance and taking it on board, shows that you are not a bad parent.
I had to take my self out of the situation and I imagined my best friend telling me about all the different instances happening to her instead, and I knew then my mum was right, because if my friend had been telling me these stories about her partner, I would have told her to get out of the relationship.
I understand exactly what you're saying, about how you then remember the good times and it's difficult to then walk away, I've been there and took my ex back twice, but both times made me stronger because I knew I had the strength to tell him to go, and to cope without him, and this strength is what I ultimately remembered when I told him for the last time to leave.
I tell you now, until he can see the problem and he makes the choice to change (not have it forced on him by family or doctors etc), then nothing is going to change for you and your child, you are both better off without, and maybe you yourself will then also not want to drink or smoke, it may be a coping mechanism for you right now and you don't even realise it.
I hope things get better for you soon though, whichever road you choose to take.

I've become really good at knowing what pisses him off and do my best to reduce those factors in our life. I know that's not a solution but I cant do confrontation and shake /cry if I do. Also somehow I always end up in the wrong and I'll say stuff I don't mean or apologise just to end it.

Yeah. Remove the addiction and what is left is an abusive, eggshell-walking relationship.

And you are in denial about your own use; I'm sorry, but that is now very obvious.

Your son lives with two parents in an abusive relationship, one of whom has a problematic dependency on various substances, and the other a full-blown addiction. OP, you can't do his childhood over again. This is the one chance he gets, and it's down to you as to how solid a start he gets, and how secure an adult he gets to become. I'm not meaning to be unkind, but you seem very wrapped up in your H, and your own tortured relationships, and tbh there is not a huge lot of indication that you recognise DS as a fully qualifying human being in this situation, involved as much in it as you and his father and with exponentially more to lose.

throwingshade are you, were you an addict. I don't mean anything by the question and I'm not being shitty, just nosy!

Today's posts have been really hard to read. No one wants to be told they're not looking after their children properly.

fpmd and sleeponeday I do agree that our relationship was once abusive but doesn't seem it anymore. People change when they're drunk or whatever but I haven't seen that nasty side for months.

That's why I'm dreading the weekend. If he gets fucked at the first chance to be social, I don't think I can smooth it over anymore and I don't want to be apologising to everyone around me, including him for his behaviour. This will inevitably result in him getting pissed off with me for not 'backing him up' and I'll get the verbal backlash.

I've honestly come too far in the last few weeks to tolerate that anymore. As for my own issues, I am listening and have a tier 2 DAAT assessment appointment to be sent to me. (whatever the fuck that is).

No idea what it is, but it's definitely something on the road marked "This Way Up"

I've honestly come too far in the last few weeks to tolerate that anymore.

Good for you. Keep moving it along :)

Thanks garlicshake thanks for your positive posts. The whole lift comparison really made sense to me.

If your dh starts getting out of hand at the weekend is there any way you can just leave him to it Jesse?

If he wants to make an arse of himself just let him go on ahead.

You've got resolve - today's posts must have been pretty challenging for you but you're setting yourself on the right path. Can you make the weekend the start of a new approach to DH, one where you're not taking responsibility for him all the time?